h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The Arithmancer, wearing a robe that is covered with many equations written in a strange, glowing script, looks over his notes, and continues the preparations for his deathtrap. Converting all of the math in his tower from research into deadly applications of research turned out to be surprisingly easy. After looking over the notes one last time, The Arithmancer plugs various wires into the back of a blackboard, finishes designing the circuits on a strange-looking wristwatch, and begins pondering other methods of evil*

*The Arithmancer hears what sounds almost exactly like ball lightning striking the lightning rod outside of his window. He jumps, wonders how on Earth a bolt of lightning made it through the castle's weather-control system, and wonders if Dr. Harvey is up to more nonsense in the dungeons again*

*After a few more minutes, The Arithmancer hears the dinner gong, prompting him to activate his Bit-geoMapper, causing him to vanish in a cloud of ones and zeros to the Dinner Hall*

*A green alien suddenly smashes through the tower window, sending shards of glass in every direction. He pulls himself off the ground and dusts the glass off him, then curses as he realizes he lost his amulet. He looks around quite nervously...*

*All entrances and exits to the room seal themselves as a PA system activates*


Fool! You dare to enter the lair of The Arithmancer??? Then you shall surely perish!

*From the ceiling, a slot opens. What sounds like a dot matrix printer can be heard, and a single sheet of paper falls out*

This is the Fibonacci Laser Printer Of Doom! The Dot-Matrix sound is just for effect. Now then, this will, at intervals of a second, print pages that say "Bwa-HaHaHa!" As you saw, it begins with only one page. However, the next print out will be the next number in the Fibonacci sequence! It won't be long before literally thousands of papers will flood the chamber! Don't worry, we've tested this machine and it doesn't clog up. The papers are instantaneously transported when they become too big for the slot. Eventually the paper will either crush you too death, or you will die of paper cuts! I place my bets on the first one, as that will happen sooner. I predict your death in about....oh, five minutes. Let's estimate one minute per post, not counting this one. Bye-bye!



*Several sheets are beginning to fill the room*

*Kudos slaps himself on the forehead*

Oh, for the love of...

*looking up in despair, he notices a tiny unsealed window in the very top of the tower. Hoping to at least get some headroom, he starts climbing up toward it*

*The amount of sheets appearing at a time seems to be increasing. It has now gotten to the point where they are teleporting in. The teleportation seems to be coming from a fairly standard teleporter that isn't too far from where Kudos has climbed to (why it's mounted so high on the wall is anyone's guess). It might be difficult to get all of the sheets of paper out of the way quickly enough to use it, but as the window that Kudos saw suddenly closes and tripple locks before a mithril gate falls into plate, the teleporter may be the only possible way out*

This is just like that bloody Asteroid, isn't it? Grrrr...

*looks around for another way out, sees the teleporter*

Hmmmmm...

*sees a knob with three settings: In | Off | Out. Stretching to reach it, he manages to knock it to Off, but falls back down into the pile of papers before he can turn it to In, and thus escape to some random point in space*

*The printer shuts itself off, the last papers being ejected from the teleporters opening. Coincidentally, it seems just large enough for a large human to enter*

*Scrambling back up the pile, Kudos flips the switch to 'In' and barely manages to fit his spiked head into. He disappears to... wherever it's programmed to go to, but who knows what kind of insidious place THAT could be...*

*As it turns out, it is programmed to head to F125887?thread=28231&latest=1 where nearly everyone else of importance in the story is currently having tea and cookies in Dr. Harvey's Dungeon*

DON'T USE THAT LINK! Faulty teleportation wiring there sends you to Dusseldorf, Germany. Just so you know the name of the conversation is "The Dungeon." Lemme find a good link....

Hehehe... don't worry, I'll stagger over there myself.

Here, try this instead: F125887?thread=282313&skip=0&show=20

Yay! Now just go there and click on the last link to get you up to speed (or read the story, I don't care....)