h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Affy4 finishes his climb down into the cave and finds himself in a maze of twisty passages all alike*

Affy4-Bah! I've seen twistier.....

*Affy4 applies his ancient adventuring skills properly, and over about twenty minutes makes his way to the other end where he encounters what he perceives as a miniature kraken wearing armour. The squid seems angry*

Squid-Who dares enter my demesne???

Affy4-I am an adventurer from a distant land, and am on a quest to find my way back to it! I believe that you were in a battle with friends of mine to whom I owe a favour!

Squid-Begone, pest! Your troupe of friends could not defeat me....I allowed them to pass me unharmed once they proved themselves worthy! Keep in mind that they were many, while you are but one! I see no problem in destroying you right now, for my duty is past!

Affy4-What type of monster are you? To whom were you indebted?

Squid-I am eternally indebted to my creators, five scientists who live in the castle above! They created me. The Greg and Sartasmus provided me with great physical strength and power, the Arithmancer taught me how to always overcome the obstacle if I am outnumbered, Greklas gave me cybernetic enhancements, and Harvey provided me with a potion that made me invulnerable on those cybernetic enhancements. Without them, I would not exist. I owe each of them for creating me. But when I am in this cavernous maze that I personally dug out of this spatially bounded floating isle, I am my own master!

Affy4-I fear not your claims, Sub-Kraken! I've wrested with larger versions of you, large enough to sink the mightiest sea vessels! That you are not in water will only prove to be your downfall, or creature of the lightning magic born of the water!

Squid-Kraken? What far away world do you come from where such foolish fantasies are entertained??? Krakens are the result of stories that were exaggerated, tall tales of my own species, The Giant Squid!

Affy4-I have fought these "exaggerations" in the seas of my world, Quendor! You are foolish to not wear that impenetrable armor around your entire skin, creature of the deep, for I have bested your betters!

*Affy4 draws a sword not unlike that which Afgncaap5 owns and charges as the Squid raises its tentacles in expectation*

Affy4-Well, that was certainly surprising.

Squid-I'll say.

Affy4-Never seen cave moss catch on fire before.

Squid-Especially not due to highly pressurized water spray.

*The two look at each other. Awkward silence ensues*

Affy4-So....

Squid-Yeah....

Affy4-Sorry about the-

Squid-No problem, sorry 'bout-

Affy4-Don't mention it....

*Another awkward silence*

*For some reason, the Squid flinches*

Affy4-What is it?

Squid-I've just felt a great evil enter our reality. Great than any of my leaders.

Affy4-We must vanquish it!

Squid-Very noble, hero. We may be able to if we head to the channel of alterations.

*The Squid picks Affy4 up, and hurtles down a long corridor until they reach a strange looking machine*

Squid-This machine can alter magic, and was created by The Arithmancer and Dr. Sartasmus. We may be able to affect reality for some from here.

Affy4-What if I press this button?

*Before the Squid can stop him, Affy4 presses a button and and a monitor lights up. It shows a grenade vanishing into a Lich's wormhole. The machine focusses on the wormhole, and the grenade is removed from it. The monitor flickers off just as surprise registers on the Lich's face*

Squid-You've, um....just transported a highly dangerous explosive to some unknown time and space.

Affy4-Oh. Sorry.

Squid-No problem.

Squid-*Looks from a monitor* I don't believe that we would be capable of saving anyone from here. The machine seems to have been automatically locked out after you tampered with the button.

Affy4-Are there any other devices of lightning magic located down here?

Squid-Yes, other electronic devices include a master control room not far from here.

Affy4-Let us be off, then!

*The two continue down the passage*

*Affy4 and the Squid arrive in a large room of complex machinery and equipment, most of it beeping or whirring*

Affy4-What's this?

Squid-That's the artificial gravity control. You can use it to turn off the gravity on the castle grounds.

Affy4-What?

Squid-Things won't fall down.

Affy4-Ah....

Affy4-And that?

Squid-That's the Castle-Wide PA microphone. When activated, everyone within the Castle can hear what you speak into it.

Affy4-Ah. And this?

Squid-Statis field generator. It halts time from progressing within certain areas of the Castle grounds.

Affy4-That sounds neat! Where's it set to?

Squid-The same place that the reality-altering device was set to, I believe. All the controls target the same area at the same time.

*The Squid turns on a monitor indicating the same location in the Crypt. However, it now appears as though Trinstar is the only one standing within the area that the field would affect*

*Affy4 leans in close to look at Trinstar, not noticing that he's pressed the button on the table he's leaning on*

Affy4-A daemon if I ever saw one! Seems kinda still, though....

Squid-You've activated the stasis field.

Affy4-Eh?

Squid-The stasis field. That daemon isn't going to move unless we turn it off.

Affy4-Should we?

Squid-Not yet. My masters will want it done properly.

Affy4-Looks like they're out of there.

Squid-The sensors over here indicate that some are still in the hallway, making their way through a teleportation field. We'll want that field to at least be turned off before we even consider contacting anyone.

Affy4-Everyone's gone now!

Squid-Patience. I'll contact them later. In the meantime, it's my job to ensure the safe trip to the Andromeda Way Prison

Affy4-A prison?

Squid-Yes. The most powerful of evil villains are sent there when captured. The security system is phenomenal, so I don't recommend interfering with anything.

*A viewscreen snaps on, and a planet can be seen. The planet in question is A1074494 even though one can't reach it yet*

Squid-There! The Andromeda Way Prison!

*The Squid hits a signalling bell to alert the scientists to the planet's appearance*

Squid-Okay, we're about out of the Galaxy now....just gotta compensate for the Oort cloud forces....

Affy4-Um....neat?

Squid-Now then, they've just communicated with each other.

Affy4-What's that mean?

Squid-It means that they'll start teleporting soon. Hit that blue lever, would you?

*Affy4 obliges*

*The Squid and Affy4 watch as the teleportation device and Harvey's computer are both severely damaged. The entire castle shudders and the Squid quickly begins pressing buttons and pulling levers. The castle eventually stabilizes*

Squid-Close one. We almost crashed.

*After some talks with scientists (read The Dungeon Forum if you really care), the Squid sets up a shuttlecraft to go to the Prison's surface*

Affy4-What're you doing there?

Squid-Just setting up a shuttlecraft to head to the surface.

Affy4-I wanna go too!

Squid-Then get on that pad on the floor. It'll teleport you to the back. Don't say a word to anyone, though, I don't know if my masters would appreciate someone like you just appearing. I was supposed to have killed you, you know.

Affy4-Yes, but you're prevented from doing that due to those....things...that happened during our....battle....

Squid-Never talk about those again.

*So saying, Affy4 steps onto the pad and teleports into the shuttlecraft*