h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Dr. Harvey is cackling like a maniac in the Dungeon. The conditions are just right. His latest invention is lying on the workbench, waiting for the final touch*

Harvey-FRITZ! Apply....THE SPECIAL INGREDIENT!

Fritz-*A hunch-backed individual who speaks with a stressed Midwestern accent* But master! I don't know if we should!

Harvey-DO IT I SAY!

Fritz-Sir! I must protest! This is inhumane! You can't just dabble like this, and....

Harvey-DABBLE??? I don't dabble, Fritz! I calculate, I speculate, I hypothesize, and I take risks. BUT I NEVER DABBLE! NOW APPLY THE SPECIAL INGREDIENT!

Fritz-Yes, master....

*Fritz grudgingly complies as Dr. Harvey cackles in an ever higher-pitched voice in anticipation of his completed project. A giant creature, seemingly sewn together from body parts, slowly rises from its bed*

Harvey-Ah, it lives! Look who finally woke up!

*The monster shrugs*

Harvey-SAM! Get out of that bed! Fritz and I have finished my latest creation! IT'S BETTER AND MORE TWISTED THAN EVER BEFORE!

*Sam the monster rises from its bed and slowly plods over to the workbench*

Harvey-And now, let us partake of the fruits of our labors!

Fritz-Sir! Adding a third sampling of your special super-jalapeno sauce is insane!

Harvey-That it may be, Fritz! BUT I DARED TO PUSH THE BORDER EVEN FURTEHR! Now then, everyone eat!

*The three each pick up a taco and take a bite. Fritz and Sam throw their tacos back onto their plates, but Dr. Harvey grins with glee and pleasure*

Harvey-It's wonderful! It's a fiery, spicy bliss! A nitro-nirvana! A magnificently molten mystery! A sumptuously spicy snack of sans-sane proportions! AND IT'S MY CREATION! Bwa-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*cough! Cough! Hack, wheeze, cough*HELP ME YOU*cough, hack, hack* WORTHLESS ASSISTANTS!!!

*Fritz and Sam perform the heimlich, and it appears as if they are very practiced in it*

Fritz-You've gotta stop laughing when you eat, master.

*Sam nods*

Harvey-You dimwitted duo! You slapped together sources of sub-simian slime! You pair o' pathetic parapatetics! You....

Fritz-*Interupting before Harvey enters an infinite loop of strangely rhymed insults* Sir, shouldn't you be getting ready for the....visitors?

*Dr. Harvey looks at Fritz with a total look of incomprehension. After just a few moments, a look of shock crosses his face*

Harvey-THE VISITORS! Of course. Well, I just happen to have the perfect project ready! It's over there, charging in the electrical system. The battery has just enough power to-

*At this exact moment, an unexpected blast of ball lightning hits a lightning rod far above, and transmits 1.21 Gigawatts to Harvey's electrical system. The machien to which the system was connected explodes, and Dr. Harvey simply stares, slack-jawed*

Fritz-Um, look master, I know that you've been working hard on that, but we can just-

Harvey-AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! What're we gonna do???!!!???!!!

Fritz-Master, there are plenty of older projects lying around.

*Sam nods*

Harvey-I know, but....but this was DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY FOR THESE VISITORS!

Fritz-Why not demonstrate your battle suit? So far, that's been your most potent invention to date.

Harvey-*blinks for a few moments* Yes, that'll do it! The Full-Newtonian-Reversal-Spray-Enhanced-Martial-Arts-Programmed Battle Suit! That'll do perfectly!

*As Dr. Harvey finishes putting on his battle suit, he hears the dinner gong. He smiles mischieviously*

Harvey-If my calculations are correct, I believe that tonight is Mexican night at dinner! I shall introduce my fellow scientists to my NITRO NIRVANA SAUCE! Bwa-HaHaHaHaHa!

Fritz-Sir, I beg you! Please, this isn't-

Harvey-SILENCE! *Picks up the pot of Nitro Nirvana Sauce, activates the battle suits teleportation function, and vanishes as he shouts one last message*

Guard the lair until I get back! Remember that we're expecting visitors!

*Dr. Harvey teleports in, looking very frightened*

Harvey-TRINSTAR ESCAPED!

Fritz-What???

*Sam looks terrified*

Harvey-Don't worry! We're safe in here, even if he gets his slimy little hands on the Stone. We're expecting the others to arrive shortly with the council members in tow. Oh, and I believe that Dr. Sartasmus has a guest this evening as well.

Fritz-Really?

Harvey-Yes, he enjoyed my Nitro Nirvana Sauce.

*Fritz is spared from having to come up with anything to say to this as Greg The Great appears*

Greg-My mutants have been instructed to battle Trinstar on sight if he sees them.

Harvey-Good, good....

*The Arithmancer and Dr. Greklas teleport in*

Arithmancer-I've set up the traps!

Greklas-And I've released all of my robots....oh, wait! There is the one in the tech wing still battling some council members! I'd better send them some instructions....

*Greklas begins typing on his wristwatch*

[Yar and Mog appear.]

[Yar] Yo.

*GL and Witty teleport into the dungeon.*

*WM looks around.*

It'll be fun for GL to try and follow this maze of links, huh?



[Cut to Vegeta and Bulma, watching all this on a video tape]

[Vegeta] Jeez, I /hate/ it when they keep jumping around the whole castle. It's just as annoying as when it keeps jumping between this and --

[On the screen, it cuts to the other group in the crypt.]

[Vegeta] -- the others ... arrrghhhh!!

*Dr. Harvey, a wild-eyed man simultaneously wearing a traditional lab coat along with some form of exo-skeleton, runs up to the four of them*

Harvey-Council members! I'm sorry that I can not attack you at the moment, there are some rather pressing circumstances, so the inspection of my lair's security system will have to wait.

Greklas-*Interrupting* You see, council members, your other group wandered into the lair of Dr. Sartasmus who, you will remember from the information that we sent you, is a master alchemist of the highest order, one of the few to both create the Philosopher's Stone *and* the Elixir Of Life before aging significantly in the process. Despite the many warnings that we included in our message, your fellow council members released the Great Daemon Trinstar from Dr. Sartasmus' Machine Of Imprisonment, and he is now attempting to steal the Philosopher's Stone so that he can gain unimaginable power and destroy the Galaxy. Presumably.

Greg-Yeah, we never really checked his intentions. But he's a bad one, you know.

Harvey-We'll all be safe in these Dungeons, mind you. The same formula that makes me impenetrable from any attack while I wear this armor was used to fortify this Dungeon. People can only enter and exit via teleportation at this level of security, and they can only teleport in if we want them to.

[Yar] Cool. That explains why getting to this room was so easy, but getting to the teleporter was so fun.

Harvey-Yes! Precisely!

*Turning to Greklas*

Harvey-Didn't I tell you that someone else would see it my way??? Didn't I?

Greklas-*as if with a maddening amount of patience* Yes, yes Harvey,....

Harvey-Now then, how to pass the time until Sartasmus rounds up the rest of the council members....oh! I can demonstrate some of my greatest creations!

Arithmancer-Stop, you fool!

Harvey-*Pulling a pot of some mysterious substance off of a bunsen burner* BEHOLD! My latest culinary masterpiece. I call it....NITRO NIRVANA SAUCE!!!

*The other scientists are sighing heavily and staring at the floor*

[Yar] ..............

Harvey-*Pulling out a taco of some sort* Now then, the other scientists won't even attempt to try this sauce, claiming that it's "simply too hot." However, we recently had a visitor around here who thought otherwise. A visitor by the name of....oh, what was that name again? "Masque Of The Red...." something or other.

Greg-We'll check later. He was Dr. Sartasmus' visitor.

Harvey-Yes. Well anyway, HE at least seemed to think that it was delicious!

[Yar] [evenly] Oh, really?

Harvey-Oh, yes. Mr. Masque enjoyed it a great deal, as a matter of fact. It was just today, really. Where is he now?

Greklas-With Sartasmus, I believe. Tending to the Trinstar problem in his crypt in an attempt to get the other council members to come here, I believe.

Harvey-Ah. Of course. Now then,.... *Harvey ladles a good deal of the sauce onto a taco and holds it out for YK* Here, try it! You'll like it!

*Meanwhile, The Arithmancer has been hastily scribbling on some parchment. He holds it up so that Harvey can't see it*


If you value the use of your taste buds, DO NOT EAT ANYTHING THAT THE SAUCE TOUCHES!

[Yar] Hmmm ... No, no, I must defer that pleasure to my companion here.

[He hands it to Mog, who takes a bite. Immediately, his eyes go all and his face turns read and flames come out of his ears and mouth, and he starts running around the room making a noise like a train whistle, leaving behind a trail of smoke.]

Well, that was an interesting reaction. I think I'll pass.

*Hearing this, Harvey nearly fills a bowl with the hot sauce, and puts a few corn chips and sprinkles of cheese into it*

Harvey-This one's a brave one! Eat up!

Greklas-Now then, council members, to business while we wait. We had intended to meet in the dining room, but the situation with Trinstar has forced us to relocate.

Greklas-Our lairs, as you know, were set to "dummy" levels of security, effectively ensuring your survival. The giant squid guardian was easily placated instead of fighting to the death, Greg's mutants only attacked in small numbers and never with nearly as much force as possible, and I instructed my stealth robots to go easy on you and to also use only my Toy Warriors against you. Naturally the fights were easier than what you would have experienced had you been true invaders, but I'm curious as to how you rank us.

Greg-For one thing, I'd also like to know if you are from the Supervillains Committy, or the Mad Scientists Committy. We were, as you know, expecting both organizations to call. I believe that what you have seen so far will have definitely proved us as a capable team of supervillains, though it's difficult to show our madness working in concert. Dr. Harvey is the maddest of us all, really, and his lair is now being used for other purposes. Dinner, for instance.

*Dr. Harvey, meanwhile, is picking up a piece of paper and mumbling to himself*

Harvey-Given the waves of a Jacob's Ladder....position a giant one behind the goals at the Super Bowl....activate them whenever a goal is scored....use the Ladder to manipulate the TV and radio frequencies....input subliminal messages....YES IT COULD WORK!

*The scientists all stare*

Greg-As I was saying, he's fairly mad that one....

[Vegeta] Oh, really? Never woulda guessed. [nudges Bulma] YOU say something!


[Yar] Well, I'd've thought that obvious. And which do we /look/ like we're from?


[Bulma] Well, let's see: you're wearing red, blue, and yellow, and you have a cute sidekick. Also, there's a reasonably cute girl, an Intelligent Older Guy, and a bishonen* there, so I'd say you're a group of Heroes.


[*Literally, "cute guy" with emphasis on the definition of "cute". Figuratively, it generally means an excessively but quietly hansome guy with (relatively) long hair, i.e. Legolas in the movie.]

Greklas-If I were to hazard a guess, I would think that you people were members of the supervillainny board. I mean, the lady's gun, this gentleman's super suit, my intelligence indicate that you failed to use the Force on some of my inventions making me believe you to be a Sith, and this fellow over here seems to be some form of character imbued with cartoonish powers. Not exactly traditional Mad Scientist Garb, if I may say so.

Arithmancer-However, looks can be deceiving. I mean, Greklas wears the traditional lab coat, but Dr. Harvey's wearing battle armor when not a nineteenth century lab suit, Greg generally just has a T-Shirt and Blue Jeans on (opting to wear a lab coat only when in his own lab), I wear this cloak with mathematical equations on them, and Dr. Sartasmus is always sporting that lab coat/mystic robe article that he's never gotten around to naming.

Greg-You see our dillemma. We have no way of knowing which board you represent unless you tell us. For all we know, some of you may be on both boards. Being a supervillain and mad scientist aren't mutually exclusive, of course, otherwise we wouldn't be expecting both groups on this trip.

Harvey-But wherever you come from, tell us quickly please. As soon as we deal with Trinstar we'll be heading for the Andromeda Way Prison for a fairly massive jail break. I mean, I don't know how comfortable you people would be flying straight into the most effective prison in the Galaxy.

hell!
thought id stumbled across Count Draculas castle not Frankenstiens! lmao

'makes hasty exit'

I hate it when people do that.


[Yar] A little of both, actually. I'm a Villain, [points to Mog] he's a minion of a Mad Scientist who was busy with an experiment and couldn't come ...