h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Vegeta] And all of a sudden, the laws of physics takes note.

harvey=only partially correct, you clod of a canine! the force that returns to me charges this suit. the mere act of standing provides the energy to move this thing's fancy martial arts motors. returning energy powers my jet pack, weaponry, and the like. honestly, i had plenty of testing opportunities when i duelled with this thing in the arena of khazan with theFPL.

*the arithmancer quickly rolls to the side, causing the blast to hit a crate filled with harvey's cooking supplies, from which some expensive looking bottles of water from gnosticus iv rolls. he stands as the purple glow becomed greater. he starts to draw onthe very air itself*


a=b
a^2=ab
a^2-b^2=ab-b^2
(a+b)(a-b)=b(a-b)
a+b=b
b+b=b
2b=b
2=1


*there are now 2 identical arithmancers, one of which rushes at wm, while the other continues todraw onthe air. meanwhile, greklas manages to shoot at yk one more time before simply falling to sleep*

Ah, so if you want to power your suit and there's no one around, you can just punch the wall for a while. Very clever.

Now, let's see if I can use your suit to my advantage.

*GL takes a quick look over his shoulder, then leaps, feet first at Dr. Harvey. Just as he makes contact with both feet, GL straightens his knees. The force from the leap, and from the knee straightening, returns to GL, along with the reaction from these forces. The result is that GL is propelled at incredible speed directly at the two Arithmancers, who happen to be aligned with GL's flight path, one behind the other.*


Yes! Perfect timing! With any luck, I'll get them both. Get a strike, as it were. Yuk yuk yuk. Oh. Hmmmm. Hope this helmet is as good as the rest of the suit...

[Vegeta] [deadpan] Doesn't his sense of humor just bowl you over?


[Yar lightsaber-deflects the shot towards the ceiling, then regards the two Arithmancers.]

[Yar] Gotta think of something else ...


[Vegeta] [as Yar] "... but I'm incapable of thinking!"


[Yar] Wait, I know!

[He swoops down, grabs one of the spilled bottles, and waves it through the words that Arithmancer-2 is drawing in the air whilst making rude faces. ]

*The arithmancer drawing the words doesn't seem to mind, as the words seem to stay where they were even with the bottled water wave*


2=1 // Given.
2*2=2*1 // Multiplicative Identity Property
4=2 // Result of multiplication
4=2=1 // Communinitive Property Of Equality
Call FibbonocciSequence() // magicmathlib24.h


*As he finishes that equation, GL bowls through the one rushing at Witty. Two more arithmancer's appear, each looking ready for a brawl. The arithmancer who was writing the equation is bowled over as well*

Harvey-HEY! Come back here and fight!

*Harvey picks up what seems to be a cauldron of his Nitro Nirvana Hot Sauce, dips something resembling a cross between a cucumber and a stuffed animal into it, and hurls it at GL*

Harvey-SAM!!! FRITZ!!! GET IN HERE, BE READY TO BRAWL!!!

*A few doors away, the sounds of a hunch-backed lab assistant and a slow, lumbering monster can be heard approaching*

*GL picks himself up just in time to catch a glancing blow from the hot torpedo.*

Hey! That better not leave a stain!

*GL notices that he is standing in the middle of a set of equations. He ponders them for a minute, then writes some of his own*

4=2 proven
2=1 proven
2-1 = 1-1 subtraction from both sides
1 = 0

Therefore

4=0

*GL looks at the Arithmancers, waiting for them to disappear.*

[Vegeta] Hey, I thought "Attack of the Clones" was a Star Wars movie!


[Yar] Oh, a Burly Brawl, eh?


[Vegeta] Whatever.

[Then GL writes his equation]

[Vegeta] Oh ... I guess it's attack of the "nothings" then.

*The first Arithmancer stands up, looks at GL, and chortles*

Arithmancer-Oh, this is rich. Did you notice the purple glowing around me? Only what I and the other Arithmancers write will remain, while yours vanishes into oblivion. Just because you are currently in the field of energy upon which the numbers can be written does not mean that you can control them as we do. I hope you like the numbers, though, as this place will soon become very crowded. I've just activated a Fibonacci Sequence into the spell, and left myself out of the mix. There was once no clone of myself. Then there was one, and for a short amount of time there was still one. But then there were two, and now there are three clones of myself. But when the next number in the sequence is reached,....

*With a flash, two more clones appear, making the total number of clones present equal to five*

Arithmancer-Five clones! Starting to get the math lesson yet? Five clones plus the original means six, meaning that your team is already outnumbered. But perhaps you need a math lesson, hmmm?

*The two new Arithmancers run over to GL, removing large, dusty, leatherbound books from their robes that are entitled "The basics of Nth Dimensional Hyper-Calulus As Determined By Several Dull Mathematics Professors". They both open to different sections of the book and begin reading, effectively sending pure waves of dull boredom in GL's direction*

*Meanwhile, a door opens and Fritz and Sam enter. Fritz, the hunch-backed lab assistant, seems to be carrying what appears to be a combination between a Jacbos' Ladder and a pistol, while Sam merely swings his massive arms. They both rush in WM's direction*

[Vegeta] Yep! That's a /burly/ brawl, all right!


[Yar casts Bolt3 on three of the Arithmancers. There's no motion involved, so there's no Newtonian effects to affect, right?]

*GL's eyes begin to droop, but then suddenly he gets the sensation that his suit is excited, which means that GL experiences a jolt of energy. GL's pop-up display is spewing out equations faster than GL can read, but he catches a glimpse of a few hyper-integral signs and hyper-derivatives and the words "higher dimensions" and, inexplicably, "Bob". The suit is positively vibrating with energy now and GL has a strong urge to say things like "Aha!" and "Eureka!".

Finally, the display slows down and starts giving GL instructions.


The best way to thwart a fibonaccial reproducing mathemetician is to effect a binomial expansion on a mathemeticians biggest weakness - girls. A binomial expansion multiplies quicker than a fibonacci sequence, so soon the mathemeticians will be swamped with girls and will wither. According to advanced nth dimensional hyper-calculus, which I just inferred from the basic stuff these guys are reading, you should be able to start such a binomial expansion by first finding a suitable female, then by calculating her nth dimensional hyper-integral and finally by...well...it gets complicated, but I think I can do it.


*GL quickly scans the room and his eyes lock onto Witty*

Okay, I think Witty is a suitable female. Now, to calculate her, um, nth something...


Never mind, I've already calculated it. It's 42. Now initiating binomial expansion...


*Two Witty clones appear. A few minutes later 4 more appear.*

Hey, Wittys! Go see if you can get a kiss from the Arithmancers!

[Vegeta and Bulma exchange a glance.]

[Vegeta] Okay, there is just NO WAY I can comment about this. It's already just ... priceless.

Witty Classic (the original): We're on it, Garius. In the meantime, could you take care of these lugs for me? *gestures to Fritz and Sam*

*Witty C straightens the seams on her stockings and smoothes her peplum. She pinches her cheeks and bites her lips, not having time to touch up her make-up. She does her slinkiest walk over to the original Arithmancer and gestures to writing on the haze. The other Wittys each pick an Arithmancer clone and go to work.*

Ooooooh, this is so fascinating. You must be sooo smart! How did you get to be so smart?

*The original Arithmancer gulps, and concentrates for a moment. The glow around the other Arithmancers fades*

Arithmancer-Clever,....very clever. The mathematical inertia seems to have brought the sequences to a standstill, thankfully without destroying both parties.

*The Arithmancers all vanish in a cloud of binary numbers, including those who just sufferred substantial injuries from YK, and the original appears just behind GL's shoulder*

Arithmancer-I want that suit. I personally wrote that leather book, and no one has understood what I was talking about until now.

*Meanwhile, Fritz and Sam haven't been around long enough to really grasp the situation. Fritz aims the Jacob's Ladder at one of the Witty clones and fires, sending an arc of electricity in her direction while Sam leaps in the air and strikes in YK's direction*

*Dr. Harvey seems to have affixed a wet-dry vac to a cauldron full of his Nitro Nirvana sauce, and set it on reverse. He flies towards the original Witty*

Harvey-You never did get around to trying my sauce. TAKE THIS SPECIAL CONCENTRATED DOSE OF IT, TELL ME HOW YOU LIKE IT!!!

*He shoots*

[Vegeta] [wincing as Sam leaps] Ooh. Not smart.


[Yar throws two chi blasts, then points his lightsaber straight at Sam so that if he doesn't alter his course, the term "impale" would apply.]

*Due to the nature of physics, it isn't possible for Sam to alter his course at the present moment, thus making him be impaled with the light sabre. Also due to the nature of physics, he's far too large to be thrown off course like that, and is now within a good strangling distance of YK, which he attempts. Presumably due to the nature of whatever dark science created him, he seems little more than concerned by the hyper-charged beam of energy going straight through him*

Harvey-Go ahead, try it. Sam's been designed to be repairable. Unlike a normal human lackey that is weak and mortal, this guy can be tossed into the path of a steam roller and be brought back to health by the next day, assuming that I can find enough of his vital parts and am close enough to a graveyard.

*As he says this he begins rifling through a pile of his inventions while waiting to see WM's reaction to the super-concentrated Nitro Nirvana Sauce. Meanwhile, The Arithmancer is speaking to Garius softly*

Arithmancer-You know, Pi isn't a truly infinite strain of numbers. It works out to be so using Earths system of counting, I'll admit, but using a system that I learned while studying under the tutelage of the Grand High CalcuMage of a distant society in a time far removed from our own before I became the most knowledgeable mathemantician in this reality, I learned how to logically break it down to twenty-six digits. If you give me the suit for only two days of studying, I can explain it to you logically, and you can calculate circles to a greater accuracy than anyone but myself. OR, if you so decline, I will explain it to you in such a way that will cause all of your neurons to collapse, thus sending you into a hideously painful psychosis. It's the type of thing that has to be explained fairly precisely, you see.

*Witty deploys a kevlar umbrella and places it in front of her, diverting the sauce around her.*

Come, come now, gentlemen. This is no way encourage our cooperation.

Harvey-*Looking up from his inventions* Oh yeah? We tried politely asking you, thus prompting a few chi blasts. We tried telling you, more chi blasts, and a few destroyed inventions. Then we try to make you, and you're actively trying to destroy us now, if I can gather the type of calculations that your friend in the super suit is doing over there correctly. So, what is the fourth option?

Detente?

After all, we appear to be fairly evenly matched. Perhaps the chi blasts were a little hasty on our part.

Come on, boys. Can't we discuss over tea? *Bats eyelashes some more.*

Pi can be further reduced to 21 digits.



Only 26 digits? I think that's 5 too many, isn't it?



Well, never mind. It's all child's play anyway.


Anyhow, now that we're talking anyway, perhaps Witty1's idea of tea and a chat is a good one. Perhaps we have some common goals. Like finding Afgncaap5, for instance.

Arithmancer-It's about 7 too many depending on who you ask. 26 digits is what they knew for certain to be workable, and others who heard of their work at that time expounded various theories that ranged down to 19. I, naturally, had other things in mind such as the creation of my Infinite Capacitance Processor for use in such inventions as my Limit Laser. And believe me, I'd rather be speaking than seeing my experiments and life threatened.

Harvey-We have tea in great abundance as well. Still, while we may both wish to find Afgncaap5, I believe that we have different missions after that point. You want to rescue him and take him back home, I presume, while we would probably prefer to keep him as a hostage here for the rest of his existence, which may turn out to be very short if we so choose.

Arithmancer-*Obviously wanting to talk shop with Garius* Well, as we seem evenly matched at the moment, perhaps we shall continue this battle once Afgncaap5 is found, but work together until then.

Harvey-It's possible that-

*Just then, Dr. Greklas' eyes flash open. His wings activate, and he buzzes around the top of the room in an irritating fashion*

Harvey-Don't mind him. His race requires very little sleep. Too much of it can really mess with his metabolism and make him hyper. Anyway, while I agree with the principle of holding off the battle until then, presumably after we leave this castle, but then Afgncaap5 will most likely join their forces.

Greg-*Who is pulling himself off the floor, and presumably heard the last several posts* Keep in mind, Harvey, that we'll have Sartasmus with us then. Probably. That'd most likely even the odds again, what with his near-immortality and all.

Harvey-True! In that case, I suggest that we accept the gracious offer from our competitors. Sam, stop strangling that Jedi, get down here, and limp back to the medical lab so that the machines can patch you up. Fritz, to the kitchen for some tea preparation!

*The three scientists who are coherent sit at a table that robots rush to, rapidly cleaning and preparing for dinner. Moments later, more chairs are added, the robots vanish, and Greklas' buzzing seems to be slowing somewhat*

Arithmancer-He should come too in a few minutes....anyway, Mr. Lupus, might I inquire as to where that super suit of yours came from? It has a few familiar markings on it, but I've never seen designs quite like it. Sartasmus might have a better idea, he's more into artifact collecting.

*Greg pulls out a vial and drinks from it, presumably to restore lost health*