Current Quotes and Leaderboard

Leaderboards: 1st QuarterJanuaryFebruaryMarch

31/03/2012: I am going to hunt down all Mu Beta's post and point and laugh at EVERY SINGLE TYPO - Sho

30/03/2012: Jedward update: their latest hashtag is #Jedwecan. Which I thought was suprisingly mature and politically aware for the young scamps! - Beatrice De'Ath

29/03/2012: Well, I should think it was. Everyone scored negative points. - Baron Grim

28/03/2012: I'm wasted on this audience. - Edward the Bonobo

27/03/2012: If there is a hell, a place of eternal torture, geological epochs spent there could not rival for psychological damage the sheer inanity of a weekend spent in Brussels. - Hoovooloo

26/03/2012: I really don't see the point of watching porn, but then I don't see the point of watching cricket, either. To each their own interests As long as it doesn't result in my partner demanding that *I* wear cricket pads... - Malabarista

25/03/2012: Actually wanted to stay in the car park and listen to Melvin Bragg discuss 14th century poetry but had to go evacuate the liquid nitrogen tanks. - Clive the flying ostrich

24/03/2012: Okay, slapping horses while wearing no clothing seems just...so wrong... - Dmitri Gheorgheni

23/03/2012: It's a very small oven if it is. Compare the size of the bricks - it's maybe 10 inches by 6 (at a guess). Also ovens, or plate warmers, don't usually have a lock and key. Nor are they a few inches above ground level. I reckon the original idea of a hidey-hole is right and I would suggest hitting it a lot with a hammer were it not clear from the photo that that has already been tried. - hygienicdispenser

22/03/2012: If it turns out your house was once owned by a woman going by the name of Pandora then run like hell! - Whisky

21/03/2012: I thought the Kardashians were conspiring with the Romulans in The Neutral Zone. but suspect I have a frame-of-reference error. - Clive the flying ostrich

20/03/2012: I'd like a lobster in the shape of...a lobster.


I'd call it Malcolm. We could have the most wonderful chats. - Edward the Bonobo

19/03/2012: Tea. Earl Grey. Hot. - Mr603

18/03/2012: I've thought about this FAR too much, haven't I? - Hoovooloo

17/03/2012: So I went to watch it last night. As I was going through the planner on my box I decided to delete a series of programmes on it that I haven't yet watched and was unlikely to now.

So I pressed delete...delete...delete...delete...delete...delete...delete…


Guess what happened.... - Orcus

16/03/2012: Oh yes. Colour me excited too. That first episode was very neatly done, and I'm looking forward to watching more. - Geggs

15/03/2012: The F's are flagged mines. One of the ?'s is a mine and one isn't. You simply have to guess which.


Stupid game - Icy North

14/03/2012: Is Paul Gambaccini the Grim Reaper?


I mean really, every time someone in the music world dies he's there isn't he...


We should look in his closets to see where he keeps his sickle... - Orcus

13/03/2012: It was so poorly written and politically dodgy that I would've hurled it aside if I wasn't reading it on Kindle. - Edward the Bonobo

12/03/2012: I have asked Hubby, who is from Norwich, what he would call someone from his county and he has Nor-folking-idea. - Deakie

11/03/2012: * ** *** Insert your perversion here. - Edward the Bonobo

10/03/2012: Today spring opened its arms and beckoned Devonians to abandon the log fire, open the windows and cut the grass. 20C in the sunshine, 12C elsewhere. Waiting for the snowstorms now. - Devonseaglass

09/03/2012: Everything in the dictionary is obvious by definition. - KB

08/03/2012: I loved it when I was pregnant with #1 because the doc gave me a sample pot every time to bring with a sample in it next time. As long as I was being treated by him I at least had a pot to p**s in - Sho

07/03/2012: ... unless (like me) you continually pick up a calf/knee/thigh/willpower injury on week 4 and decide to get back on the fags and kebabs for a fortnight. - Mr603

06/03/2012: I couldn't find five people/ subjects/whatever every time - but it wouldn't let me skip to the next tutorial page. Feck! I ended up having to follow Jamie Oliver! - Edward the Bonobo

05/03/2012: defo not The Bar Humbug....damn miserable place by all accounts. - Effers

04/03/2012: Well, the collective noun for h2g2 researchers is "a drift"... - Mrs Zen

03/03/2012: Stop searching!


I made it up! - anhaga

02/03/2012: I must say that attending this meet was worth every minute of the 13 1/2 hours I spent on aircraft getting to and fro. - Witty Moniker

01/03/2012: ... if you want to retain your respect for me, if you want to continue to see me as a responsible adult who can be trusted to operate an aircraft or a power tool, climb a cliff or program an industrial computer, then do not, whatever you do, under ANY circumstances ever hand me a lightsaber. - Hoovooloo

29/02/2012: It was probably hairballs from all the cats on the interwebs. - Pink Paisley

28/02/2012: 'But if I put it there, won't Uncle Fred be upset?' - clzoomer

27/02/2012: I suspect that the night romance died you were probably taken in for questioning. - McKay The Disorganised

26/02/2012: I don't know why I'm making so many typing mistakes this lunch break. Perhaps my keyboard is offended that I'm experimenting with it. - Trillian's Child

25/02/2012: Whatever bacteria there are on my dishcloths are *my* bacteria, and I'm used to them by now. - paulh

24/02/2012: My keyboard looks a bit like it's been attacked by a madman with a hammer. It's for this very reason that I've pried off all the keys that I don't need but are very annoying when hit by accident: Caps Lock, Alt Gr, Insert, F11... - Mu Beta

23/02/2012: It's a little known fact that the speed limit in many states in the U.S. is set at 75 miles per hour precisely to prevent people from reaching 88 and disrupting the space-time continuum. - Irving Washington

22/02/2012: I'm always wondering where I left my tea, usually because I look down and see my mug empty and can't remember having drunk it so it must have wandered off somewhere... - Pastey

21/02/2012: I'm rather surprised by how noisy a mechanical valve is - he's not so much the Tinman as the ticking crocodile from Peter Pan! - Beatrice De'Ath

20/02/2012: I want to meet whoever invented central heating and kiss them. On the mouth if necessary. - Agapanthus

19/02/2012: Finding Memo - an office adventure - swl

18/02/2012: Here I was thinking it would be a thread about female mud wrestling. - Xanatic

17/02/2012: The other question I get asked is 'what do you do with your son when you are at work?' To which I answer…. 'chain him to the radiator and hope the dogs don’t steal his food'. Rather than the more truthful and saner 'his dad looks after him'. Interestingly the looks of surprise are nearly as great with the second answer as the first … - Storm

16/02/2012: "Would you mind driving way out beyond the other end of town to a particular little abattoir to pick up two twenty litre buckets of fresh pigs blood so I can make black pudding for U2 (yes, that U2) and their road crew? Oh, and you'll have to bring your own buckets." - anhaga

15/02/2012: Er....I need to use google in a less pornographic way, I think. - Mu Beta

14/02/2012: I wonder if spiders have a sense of self - Rudest Elf

13/02/2012: He told his wife that he was studying European and Scandinavian traditional folk dance at night school.


The truth was that he was ogling lap and pole dancers in a Harrogate night club. - Triquack

12/02/2012: I see Pastey's trialling the new "Verbosity Filter" - Icy North

11/02/2012: I'm all stitched up like a kipper. I feel like the Frankenstein monster, with a big scar and sutures, although sadly I've no bolts coming out of my neck. - Gnomon

10/02/2012: Cats are supreme beings that devour whatever please them. We, their bottom dwlling minions, are not to question that. - dragonqueen

09/02/2012: Over this side of the pond if someone says they're a patriot critics call them nationalists. This isn't helped by people who are nationalists calling themselves patriots. - Mr. Dreadful

08/02/2012: I think I'd be Willy Whiskers the Moustachioed Explorer. I might go for sideburns too, and a pith helmet. Just so I can say Pith Helmet a lot during my act... - Robyn Hoode

07/02/2012: It's hard to think of Netherton as a village. I think of it more as a safari park. - Edward the Bonobo

06/02/2012: I've only ever seen one grouse. If I ever see a second one, I'll come back here and find out what to call them. - paulh

05/02/2012: My son spent an entire day sightseeing around Salisbury with a pair of pants on his head...


We refer to this as The Day of the Headpants. - kelli

04/02/2012: Could I please nominate Post 195 as an early entrant in the category 'most wanton cruelty to the humble apostrophe 2012'? - Mu Beta

03/02/2012: In films, rocks don't seem to come off well at all. Even in the Railway Children, which I re-watched recently, they are the baddies. - Trillian's Child

02/02/2012: I'm refusing the tea this week on Jury Duty because it's served in polystyrene cups. - Galaxy Babe

01/02/2012: I find that just a single pint of beer has a VERY large affect on my ability to play the piano.


Before? Ray Charles.


After? Les Dawson. - Mu Beta

31/01/2012: Are you looking for feedback? - Gnomon

30/01/2012: As Abraham Lincoln said, "The problem with the internet is that some people tell lies." - McKay The Disorganised

29/01/2012: My table has no manners whatsoever !!!!


It sits there moodily and sullen, and doesn't even say thanks you when I buff it's legs with my J-Cloth.
- atinythorn

28/01/2012: "Have you tried depressing the 'F' key?"


Hey, F key - the banking system is screwed, global warming's accelerating, the oil's running out, we're no nearer solving how to do fusion, the euro's likely to collapse and probably in a few years China will rule the world. Also, you look fat.


That should do it. - Hoovooloo

27/01/2012: So we might have a salmon that didn't feel the pain of the hook but wriggled because it was self-aware enough to know it was about to be eaten. Hmm. - Edward the Bonobo

26/01/2012: Just one contrived date. It will only occur once but yes time passes quickly in h2g2 community life.

Another good reason for joining. - Ancient Brit

24/01/2012: When I told my husband that today's Doodle celebrated the birth of Nicolas Stenos, hubby asked, "Did he invent stenography?" - Cheerful Dragon

23/01/2012: Tom Baker's voice is like chocolate. - Hoovooloo

22/01/2012: I think of my Belly as a fuel tank for a sex machine.


And it holds a lot of fuel. - highamexpat

21/01/2012: I did find a website with instuctions for making a dress dummy of yourself with duct tape - this looks like so much fun I will probably make one of these, and get so distracted by it I may never get around to making the clothing... - kelli

20/01/2012: Today I put the finishing touches to a program which scans random edited entries looking for dodgy characters which don't display properly on some browsers, such as £, ° and é.



I press a button the program, and within about 3 seconds it will have found an entry with one of the these characters in it. I then can edit the entry and replace the character by hand. This lunch hour, I've edited about 50 entries and fixed up these characters in them. - Gnomon

19/01/2012: Look down.



See that spare tyres of squidgyness?



Takes years of practice to hone it to that shape - atinyhorn

18/01/2012: Do you know, I think we've finally found Mrs Zen's job title on the h2g2 committee... - Icy North

17/01/2012: Just changed kidney for buttock, which is not a sentence I was anticipating typing when I got up this morning. - Hoovooloo

16/01/2012: Chainsaw shopping in London on Saturday. - eatsmice

15/01/2012: The correct way to eat peas is of course to place your knife so it lays along the plate, then push a pea onto the tip of the knife with your fork. Then you smash down on the handle of the fork, so it tips and sends the pea flying up into the air where you catch it with your mouth. - Xanatic

14/01/2012: "I've had 2 children! I've had a tattoo! I've ridden a Harley across Florida and lunched with an astronaut! I've crossed the River Gambia on the Banjul-Barra ferry! I can do this!" - Beatrice De'Ath

13/01/2012: Only the truly dedicated crackpots got a public hearing in the old days. - anhaga

12/01/2012: My sister got an unwanted item of clothing (I think it was a dressing gown) from my grandmother and gave it to a local charity shop, only for my grandmother to give exactly the same one back to her a month later... - Bluebottle

11/01/2012:Even the bobbies here are armed with nothing more deadly than an accusing cry of "What's all this then?", and in the case of violent mob attack, a whistle. It disperses them every time. - Icy North

10/01/2012:anyone have estonian moose recipes, if i can't go authtentic I am almost tempted to add a bit - Peanut

09/01/2012:“I had a red error message today that said Catastrophic Failure - and then had an OK box. - Mrs Zen

08/01/2012: Pandas are common in Scotland. There are twice as many as there are Tory MPs. - Edward the Bonobo

07/01/2012:*carefully whistles past the thread without mentioning the "wobble" of the Earth's precession...* - SpaceCadette

06/01/2012: I've just successfully put off writing a piece that's got to be ready on Thursday by switching the doors on my fridge freezer from left to right, a task I have in turn been putting off for about two years.


I'm rather proud of that, I think I'll have a cup of and an Eccles cake - Gosho

05/01/2012: I think it takes a brave man to go through 2legs' backlog. - Mu Beta

04/01/2012: Gnomon is an . - ~jwf~

03/01/2012: I am just as worried about him as I am about Mrs Agnes Quont of 29 The Mews, Penge. - Pink Paisley

02/01/2012: Looks like we'll have a New Year's Eve in shorts and tank tops again! - KWDave

01/01/2012: … but she turns 15 and I can hear rumblings in the works that she wants to be out with her daft mates - which means that #2 will either want to tag along or do her own thing with her equally daft mates. Which means my usual Champagne glugging enjoyment of Dinner for One and Jooles Holland will be curtailed because I'll have to drive them to wherever it is and collect them again afterwards. - Sho