I'm not going to talk about the competition at the top here. Unless you've read the ALT text, you may not be aware that the wonderful Malabarista spent ages designing the big graphic at the top of our articles, and the reason you're not aware of that fact is that I think I've been too absent-minded to mention it anywhere. So first of all, huge kudos and thank-you's to Malabarista for her fine work; I'm sure you'll agree that it's wonderful, and suits the competition perfectly. Apologies for not mentioning it before.

I have to say, it's been a superb first week. All our contestants have been working hard, and our scores for each are below. Of particularly notable mention is McKay, who joined in as a non-contestant and came up with the superb 'She'll be Coming Round The Mountain'; a very entertaining piece and one that fits perfectly in the spirit of the contest. The next challenge is at the foot of the page, so please feel free to take up the gauntlet and join in if you wish.

It's been a tough week for the judges, but without further ado here are your scores:

Galaxy Babe

A lesson in "How to write..." I can cross this subject off my list of "to be written" (thank goodness).

7/10

Pinniped

Well-researched and heartfelt, but this is not an easy piece to read. It's too simplistic to say that the subject matter makes its dispiriting quality inevitable. There is a spitefulness about it that risks demeaning the valour along with the stupidity.

Counter-emotions are important in balanced writing. In the case of harrowing subjects, a glimpse of hope draws the reader on, so beware of such relentless pessimism in future. Don't let your writing slip into any one dominant mood, in fact. If you sense it doing so, rework it to make a compensating adjustment.

6/10

Skankyrich

This is an excellent effort. It must have been very difficult to write a piece about this particular medical condition without making it emotionally overblown, and you've avoided that pitfall very well. It's a very competent piece and I like what you've done with the challenge, but I don't think you've overly stretched yourself here. A promising start. I think the key for you will be to show that you can do more than write comprehensively and correctly, and that you can bring more imagination and wit into your work.

7/10

Galaxy Babe

I love Beatrice's tongue-in-cheek style, informative yet amusing, I'm still giggling 5 days after first reading.

6/10

Pinniped

Even when the subject is shallow, the writing needn't be. This is basically workmanlike but rather boring. The question at the beginning is potentially interesting, but never developed. Nearly all of the wearers mentioned are not real people, so the piece finishes up describing a parody of the garment rather the garment itself.

'Ease of getting into and out of' is a grammatical equivalent of wearing a shellsuit. Room for improvement here.

5/10

Skankyrich

This doesn't do much for me, I'm afraid. It does tell us everything we need to know about shellsuits and in that sense you've done it justice, but it's more or less a series of facts strung together. You've written some superb stuff in the past, but this doesn't hit those heights, and your personal style doesn't really come across. I think we'll see better from you as the competition wears on, because you have much, much, more in you.

4/10

Galaxy Babe

Unbelievably-fast, thorough research in a very short time, very impressive, couldn't fault this at all.

7/10

Pinniped

It annoys me to admit it, but this is pretty good. The subject is execrable, but the quality of writing is high and the research is deep. All far too good for the content, in fact.

One of the hallmarks of the Edited Guide is the straight-faced Entry tinged with a sense of its own ridiculousness. This catches it. Another is the smile-inducing last line, and again this example scores, although the ellipsis is unnecessary.

A promising start, this one. Well done.

7/10

Skankyrich

Thoroughly-researched and with occasional snippets of clever wit, this is a very good Entry apparently written by someone who yearns for the old days of the TMNT comics. There's a hell of a lot of information in here, and it's presented in a very clear way. Given the extent of the detail you provide, it seems churlish to judge your style – there's little time to draw breath, let alone allow room for that to come across – but I'd really like to see your own 'voice' a little more in future pieces.

6/10

Galaxy Babe

This poetry stuff...I can see I'm going to have to search for more. This is very thought-provoking, David B, and something I never expected.

6/10

Pinniped

The originality of the piece is lauded in the AWW comments, but the same analogy appeared in the first UG Entry ever. That's not to suggest derivative writing, only that novelty has a deeper basis than just metaphor.

Figurative writing such as this needs to invoke a variety of responses in the reader. However in this piece the physical aspect of the shell is reiterated to the exclusion of other perceptions of it. We only need to hear that a shell is a hard enclosure once. After that, it might go on to cast darkness, or muffle sound, or it might seem to arrest time. It could be a warm womb instead of cold armour. None of the possible sensory alternatives are explored, though, and so the poem is ultimately quite repetitive.

There's another grievous repetition too – the second use of the word 'conceal'. If you assume you've finished writing instead of combing to prove it, mistakes like that can happen.

5/10

Skankyrich

Perhaps not the most original interpretation of the challenge, but put together very competently with good changes of pace and a nice rythmn. It's a quiet, personal, understated kind of piece, and I found it rather touching. It's not going to pull up any trees, but of all the entrants it's the one that I found myself going back to and re-reading the most often. It's going to be interesting to see how your gentle approach translates into other pieces, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.

5/10

Galaxy Babe

One reviewer said: "evocative, conveying well the futility of war" and I couldn't have said it better myself. A true story rewritten from the perspective of an eye-witness, a full stretch indeed...

8/10

Pinniped

Everyone here knows that the writer is both talented and prolific. At one level this example of his work demonstrates this, but at another it disappoints. It reads like an excision from something else, and even invites a suspicion that it existed before the challenge subject was set. The artificial (and pretentious) title and the dead-cut ending reinforce this weakness. The second paragraph compounds it, and could for all appearances be a further layer of cutting and pasting from somewhere else entirely.

Though I'll concede that the narrative, dialogue and evocation of the scene are all very stylish, the overriding impression here is nonetheless of self-indulgence. Diligent readers will spot that the name of Seth Maguire is borrowed from a recurrent character in the paintings of the Stuckist artist Charles Thompson, who was of course a schoolfriend of Douglas Adams. In other words, please try to inhabit the same page as your reader in future weeks, Dmitri, or you'll find their concentration and patience might wander off.

6/10

Skankyrich

This must be what being dipped in liquid nitrogen feels like. Reading from a modern perspective, it's quite clear that this is only a sliver of Seth's tale, and of a much wider story involving millions. And you pull us out as swiftly as you drop us in, giving it enormous impact. Much of this piece is implicit and lets us judge for ourselves, which only adds to its power, and your attention to detail is admirable. I'd love to see what you'd bring to a PR piece, because you have a real skill for narratives that could easily be turned to EG-style pieces.

6/10

Galaxy Babe

Loved this. Simple, yet telling - I got the crab, his effort, his urge to move and rejoiced when he found his new home.

6/10

Pinniped

An interesting poem with strong imagery. It's fun to read, moreover.

Although the AWW thread gives the game away, one of the strengths in a stand-alone reading is that the poem's subject is open to the reader's interpretation. The whole thing is a simile. It could be about a hermit crab, but it could also be about someone who is like a hermit crab. The AWW thread also shows the author resisted advice to smooth out the broken structure. That was a good call. It's the tentative metre here that really evokes the subject.

That said, the second last stanza takes the stultified style to extremes, and flirts with banality. Easy, tiger, in stretches to come.

7/10

Skankyrich

I do like the reverse-analogy premise behind this; it was refreshing to see human characteristics being brought out in the crab rather than using the crab as a metaphor for human behaviour. The use of language throughout is very clever, and it appears to me that you've thought carefully about every word. On the downside, I'm not entirely convinced by the pace all the way through, and you could perhaps use changes of pace and rythmn more effectively. But this piece does ram home the fact that you're a multi-dimensional writer willing to stretch yourself, and that alone makes you a strong contender.

6/10

Galaxy Babe

"Not very exciting" said Waz as she submitted this piece. I beg to differ. I was hooked from beginning to end and will be performing my own investigations on wood walks from now on, although I have yet to see a red squirrel in my neck of the woods (rofl) there are just too many greys. Not that I'm complaining, I love the little critters. I don't know if there's a difference between red and grey squirrel hazelnut-shelling but I love the "modus operandi" take on it, and the Researcher's Sherlock Holmes impersonation.

7/10

Pinniped

Some writers have a homing instinct for their comfort zones. Here, Waz has taken full advantage of a loose-fitting challenge to write a beautiful little piece with a subject and style that we've seen many times before. All that said, the way this piece is structured is as satisfyingly forensic as the content and some of the phrasing is a delight, though PR purists might wince at varmints and unexplained latin abbreviations.

A more legitimate criticism as a PR piece is the rather extreme topic drift at the end. Meanwhile Waz is playing it safe and off to a solid start, but future stretches won't be so benign and dormouse-adorable.

6/10

Skankyrich

This could have been a very dry wildlife-identification entry, but you've skilfully avoided that trap with a fun title and conversational style. It's useful and informative, but still a very good read. The negative for me is that the detective idea doesn't quite work as it is; it needs a bit of refining and developing to be convincing. That would come with time and revision – the timescale has worked against you a little, perhaps – and it shows that you're willing to experiment with new ideas. Rather than take tentative steps, Waz, throw yourself into it, because on the basis of this all the pieces are there.

6/10

Galaxy Babe

On a beach somewhere, a parent is picking up a shell and teaching their child how to hear the sea. This transcends language, race, religion and culture, and if aliens landed tomorrow and asked for a collection of rituals unique to Earth, this would be there.

7/10

Pinniped

Simple but effective, this is among the most natural-sounding offerings of this first week. It works as a prospective Edited Guide piece without any sense that it was written for a different purpose. The subtitles are particularly neat, one alluding to the Post's challenge introduction and its different whooshing noise, and another invoking yet another shell-usage.

To make writing seem as effortless as this is a gift. It hadn't better have actually been effortless, mind, else we'll get you next time.

7/10

Skankyrich

This does pretty much what it says on the tin. In terms of interpreting the challenge, you've taken this very literally, and although the piece is nicely written I don't feel you've really stretched yourself. It's technically a good piece, and I particularly like the first paragraph, but I couldn't remember much about it ten minutes later. You're up with the very best writers here, Matt, but you're going to have to push yourself harder if you're going to get the scores from me that your talent deserves.

4/10

Galaxy Babe

There's the Researcher's thoughts, and not a lot else. It didn't teach me anything, or inspire me to find out anything else about the subject, or leave me wanting more. This could have been a journal entry I was reading, and I just didn't get it at all.

2/10

Pinniped

Pretty cocksure writing, conversational and confident. This whole piece is nicely constructed and well-judged. It's amusing without trying to be side-splitting, for instance, and it goes off at a few entertaining tangents. Though brief, it's the right length. Though it's very lightly founded in its subject, it's brimming with facts. One reservation: a surfeit of pub quizzes has left me half-sure that the coconut isn't actually a nut. Good job that this is in the AWW, where veracity is optional.

(I thought I'd worked out who Merry Anne is, btw, but my candidate would never have got the year of Hamlet wrong).

6/10

Skankyrich

Quite a nice, succinct, thoughtful piece, albeit in a throwaway kind of way. It made me pause for thought at almost every line, and it demanded a couple of re-reads from me. It does fail a couple of acid tests; I can't see myself recommending it to anyone or coming back to it in the future. It does have merit, and it's not out of place in this company. A reasonably good start, then, and I'm looking forward to seeing what else you come up with.

4/10

Galaxy Babe

I learned nothing from this; room for improvement here.

2/10

Pinniped

Rather like the eggshells it describes, this piece is fragile and insubstantial. It's a brave try, but not really brave enough. It comes across as self-conscious. It's flat in style and shallow in content.

The Edited Guide format, ostensibly inclusive and forgiving of tentative writing, has a tendency instead to expose it. Unless the subject jumps right into your lap, it will usually be easier to start in the AWW genre. It's always difficult to write successfully when you're short of ideas, but under EG constraints where factual context is everything, it's pretty well impossible.

4/10

Skankyrich

It strikes me that, given time, this could be a great collaborative Entry. I'm sure lots of people would have their own ideas and suggestions to add to it – in fact, as the week has worn on, people have indeed been posting their own ideas and suggestions to the PR thread. I do feel it's difficult to write this kind of piece on your own, because so many people have their own ideas that are worth adding. If you listen to the kind words of peers in the thread you can make this into a very good Entry, but at the moment it's just a good start.

3/10

Galaxy Babe

Firstly may I say I'm not a poet, and I don't like poetry that much. It's not something I "get". Secondly, I wasn't banking on a shell poem submission, like I was other things, so this was a bit of a surprise. Thirdly, when I saw the topic, I expected it to be mawkish, and probably designed to make me weep. So, imagine my surprise when I read it through, re-read it, then read it again, and marvelled at the story there, feeling the longing of the workers for their homeland, yet desperate for work so they could earn a living, and the utter horror of "no land beckoned" made me gasp. Even though I knew the story, the way this poem was written - in holding back on the loss of the people but concentrating on the merciless sea reclaiming what it already owned - well, all I can do is nod and bow to the author and send a prayer heavenwards for all souls lost at sea. MVP you've made a convert of me.

8/10

Pinniped

Certainly thought-provoking, with strong and troubling mood and imagery, but ultimately too pessimistic for my taste. With this subject, and a hint of eulogy rather than dirge, and just a little more attention to chiming rather than beating out the words, the piece could be really special.

It's still good, and it has a precision of word-choice that commands respect if not always pleasure. The self-challenge in the writing shows through here.

When I succumb to the urge to write with this kind of pent-up revulsion and despair, I find I can't write any other way for days afterwards. Let's hope the same doesn't happen to mVp.

7/10

Skankyrich

Certainly a stark and moving poem. The contrast between the anonymous workers and the cold, beautiful scene really works; there's an inevitability about nature that is as cold in this piece as the gangmasters, but you describe the scene beautifully as well. Condensing the whole story into one 28-verse poem, wasting not a word, is an impressive feat. It's a very clever and well thought-out piece, and certainly one of the most memorable from this batch. But then, poetry is your forte – I hope you transfer these skills to less lyrical challenges.

7/10

Galaxy Babe

This is exactly how I envisaged stretching the word "shell". Psycorp even posted his Entry with "Stretching the use of the word "Shell" perhaps" and I let out a little squeal of glee. Then I read the Entry and wept. History is what defines us as a people and it needs to be told in just this way: report the facts, and let your audience feel their own emotion.

7/10

Pinniped

Definitely Edited Guide-worthy in its own right. The closing point about this event being the first example of bombarding civilians to settle a military issue is cleverly observed and a strong conclusion. The descriptive prose is measured, the structure is considered and the clarity of the piece is exemplary.

If only we had an acceptance of a little dramatic licence instead of Peer Review's demand for impassive factual accuracy. No writer, least of all a heart-on-sleeve one like Psy, can entirely keep the opinion out of an Entry, and repressing opinion takes the edge off the imagery. Psy belongs to a core of seasoned and accomplished hootooers who've very nearly learned to avoid this, but I'm still getting a disappointing tinge of sullen indignance as I read, when really it should be outrage and horror and wide-eyed amazement at scenes like these. Once you've decided to recount the razing and plundering of a city, didn't you ought to do it with shameless panache?

7/10

Skankyrich

A fairly straight historical piece that gives you much credit, not least for your interpretation of the challenge. I particularly liked the way you let the horrors unfold; without being blatant or judgemental in your choice of words, you left us in no doubt that an atrocity was coming up, and you paced it very well. You've chosen Peer Review for this piece, but I wonder what you would have been able to do with the piece had you expressed yourself more freely in AWW. I feel you're well inside your comfort zone with this piece, and there's a bit of stretch to come from you yet. Even so, a very good start.

7/10

Galaxy Babe

If I had to pick a favourite, this would be it. The words "I had to stop myself" in Tibley Bobley's opening post made me yearn to read more after I'd read it. In a word, excellent.

8/10

Pinniped

Sheer joy to read and a true stretch. This is the kind of AWW/EG fusion writing we should all aspire to, imaginatively conceived and then carried off with real style. That makes it brilliant twice – few would have dreamed up the device, and few of those would have attempted it, let alone got it right. It's genuinely educational too, unless of course you're a creationist. And it's a masterful piece of antisocial bird rehabilitation. I bet she could make starlings seem sweet. Even pigeons too, maybe.

In case TB gets too puffed up, though, there's still room for improvement. That it goes on too long in one vein is my main issue, and the irrepressible murder-inviting cheerfulness of the cuckoo-narrator, though beautifully written, only conspires to make it seem even longer.

8/10

Skankyrich

As a wildlifey kind of guy, I found this piece laugh-out-loud funny and full of information. As if the cuckoo itself isn't enough to write about, we even learn that the marsh warbler is in serious decline. It's an incredibly clever piece, beautifully written and carefully assembled. You may be inadvertently playing to one of the judges here, I thought this was terrific. I can think of any number of my friends who I'd recommend this to.

8/10

Galaxy Babe

Trout's interweaving of the different shells really struck a chord. When I first suggested the word 'shell' to the others I said something along the lines of 'we may get submissions as diverse as the History of Shell Oil to the life cycle of the hermit crab', so I'm feeling pretty smug right now.

8/10

Pinniped

The best of a generally strong first challenge response, and the reasons why should be obvious to all who read it. The twining themes, the sheer cleverness of the narrative and the tangential viewpoints are utterly compelling. Don't be fooled by the easy style, either. To be as careless as Trout, you need to be extremely thorough and to be as louche, you have to be scrupulous. It's no coincidence that this was the last piece submitted. Most contestants posted theirs, in fact, during the first few hours, and it's doubtful that anyone will attain this standard of writing if they carry on that way.

Peaked too early? Probably not, damn the smug salmonid, but Trout can be beaten, even in the unlikely event that he stays mean and motivated through to the end.

So read this carefully, everyone. Admire it and then chase it down. We came a mere fingernail from a first-week 10 here. What a relief that a fingernail can be such a long way.

9/10

Skankyrich

Admirable work here, and just pips Tibley's entry for my favourite of the week. I love the interweaving strands working almost like mini-chapters of a complex novel, and the way they merge is very, very clever. The amount of research that has gone into this is fairly staggering, even down to the detail of the coat of arms, but for all that it's written in a very relaxed manner. This sets the bar just a little higher – an excellent statement of intent.

8/10

So here are the rankings based on the judges' scores alone:

Now, if you have any sense, you'll disagree with that table. Fortunately, this isn't the end of the story. We want you to help shape the table by voting for your favourite piece. Here's how you do it:

1. You may vote once, and once only. Please email your votes to The Stretchers. If you can't use this direct link, hovering your mouse over the link should reveal our email address. If you cannot get the link to work, simply post below and we'll try to help you. You must quote your username and h2g2 Researcher number (U-number) with your vote; votes without these will be rejected without query.

2. Votes received after the deadline or cast onsite will not be counted.

3. If you're taking part, do not ask other people to vote for you. This is not a popularity contest, and we hope that everyone will vote for the piece they genuinely feel is best each issue. We reserve the right to discount votes if we feel that contestants are canvassing, votes are being traded or unusual voting patterns are developing.

4. Contestants are perfectly entitled to vote for their own pieces if they feel their writing is the best submitted; however, please note that we will be on the look-out for dodgy voting patterns, and that includes contestants who consistently vote for themselves.

5. Votes will be tallied using a formula that normalises the votes cast and scores given, then returns a number between 0 and 2. We will publish the rankings, but not the actual scores as they are rather undramatic, relative rather than absolute, and fairly meaningless to look at. In the event of a tie, whichever piece is scored highest by Skankyrich is ranked highest. If there is still a tie, Skankyrich will decide who is placed higher.

You don't have long. Your vote must be in by midnight UK time on Thursday, 29th January or your vote will not be counted.

So on to our next challenge. As before, you have seven days to complete your piece, and when it is completed you must submit it to Peer Review and notify us on the Submissions Thread below. Here's your next challenge:

This challenge involves writing a Peer Review piece about something you consider emotionally overblown. You can pick any subject matter you like, but it must be something that the unwashed masses get all worked up about in one way or another. Go prick a balloon with your rationality.

The Stretcher Archive

Galaxy Babe, Pinniped and Skankyrich

22.01.09 Front Page

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