h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

About what his grandfather would do if he saw him.

I have no idea...but from what I understand, his grandfather has ways of MAKING him tock.

I'm getting sooooo ticked off with all this....



Bassman

Your posts tickle my fancy.

With their elaborate word- play.

A feather bed, on the other hand,
tickles my fanny.

You do know that means something totally different on this side of the pond don't you?



Bassman

*gasps for breath he is laughing so hard at Paul's post*

Back in Roman days, as you may know, slavery was part of life. People went to slave markets to buy and sell slaves from all over the known world.
One particular slave market holder became well known for his special promotional contests - people would come from all over the Empire to win one of his slaves.
His most popular contest was a game where you had to try to throw a coin into a Roman urn. If you've seen pictures, you'll know that these urns have very narrow necks, so the game was quite challenging, but if you succeeded, you would win a slave from the market, so the prizes were good.
One day, a fairly poor woman returned from the market with a slave. Her husband immediately berated her for spending so much money to buy a slave, but she told him that she had won the contest, so it had only cost a single penny.
"After all," she said "You've always told me that a penny urned is a penny slaved."

*bangs head against tasteful oak veneer coffee table*

Somebody has remodelled the oak block?

mainly using my head i suspect.

Oh, hang on, thats just my

Don't hang over too far, or you might fall into the bowl.

Or the urn.

I take no credit for this entry, except by way of sharing it with the rest of Hoo-Too-dom. It's such a punny little ditty, I couldn't be so shellfish as to hoard it all to myself. If you've never had a "Wet Dream," dive right into this one. You won't flounder for laughs, so stickleback and enjoy. As a noted philosopher once said, "Seize the carp!"


Wet Dreams (The Fish Song)
by Kip Addottahttp://www.kipaddotta.com/


It was April the forty-first,
Being a quadruple leap year.
I was driving in downtown Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop,
So I was in a rented Stingray
And it was overheating.

So I pulled into a Shell Station.
They said I’d blown a seal.
I said, “Fix the damn thing
And leave my private life out of it,
Okay, pal?”

While they were doing that,
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar—
A real dive—
But I knew the owner.
He used to play for the Dolphins.
I said “Hi, Gil!!!”
You have to yell, he’s hard of herring.

Think I had a wet dream…
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream…
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream…

Gil was also down on his luck;
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.
I bellied up to the sandbar;
He poured me the usual.

Rusty snail, hold the grunion,
Shaken not stirred,
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side,
Heavy on the mako.

I slipped him a fin—
On porpoise.
I was feeling good;
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry’s squids,
For the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded;
We were packed in like sardines.
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal.
What sole!

Tommy was rockin’ the place with a very popular tuna,
Salmon Chanted Evening,
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers—
Probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she’s giving me the eye.
So I figured this is my chance for a little fun;
You know, piece of Pisces.

But she said things I just couldn’t fathom.
She was too deep, seemed to be under a lot of pressure.
Boy, could she drink!
She drank like a…
She drank a lot.

I said, “What’s your sign?”
She said, “Aquarium.”
I said, “Great, let’s get tanked!”

Think I had a wet dream…
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream…
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream…

I invited her to my place for a midnight bait.
I said, “Come on, baby, it’ll only take a few minnows.”
She threw me that same old line:
“Not tonight; I’ve got a haddock.”

And she wasn’t kidding either,
‘Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock
I’d ever seen come down the pike.
He was covered with mussels.

He came over to me and said,
“Listen, shrimp, don’t you come trollin’ around here.”
What a crab!
This guy was steamed;
I could see the anchor in his eyes.

I turned to him; I said,
“A-balone, you’re just being shellfish!”
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble, and so did Gil
‘Cause he was already on the phone to the cods

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch;
I catch him with a left hook;
He eels over.
It was a fluke, but there he was
Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel.
Kelpless.

I sai,d “Forget the cods, Gil,
This guy’s gonna need a sturgeon.”
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend.
She came over to me, she said,
“Hey, big boy, you’re really a game fish.
What’s your name?”
I said, “Marlin.”

Think I had a wet dream…
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream…
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream…

Well, from then on we had a whale of a time.
I took her to dinner; I took her to dance;
I bought her a bouquet of flounders;
And then I went home with her.
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams!

Think I had a wet dream…
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream…
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream…
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream…
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream…
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream…
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

*THOCK!*

*Su8bmerges head into fishbowl* ..

I suppose we were glassking for it.

i eely sink thats besides the pond,but i dont want to get involved in a quari, um this specifish sub -ject..

I think you lot have been puffin stuff that
shouldn't otter be puffin.