h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*You come to a massive oaken door that stretches fully twenty feet above you. You stop and stare at this door, wondering just how in the hell you're supposed to move this thing, when it suddenly swings open just slightly, seemingly of its own accord. You peer nervously at the utter blackness thus revealed, wondering if you should really go inside at all, but then you remember that you have urgent business indeed with the God of BLEEP!, so you cautiously proceed inside.
The door glides silently shut behind you, cutting off all exterior light. As your eyes adjust to the dim reddish light that permeates the massive interior of the Temple of BLEEP!, you gasp in wonder at all the strange, arcane, and downright arousing items that are to be seen.
To your right, there is an ancient, massive table of some dark stone that glows eerily in the darkness of the Temple. Piled high on top of it are bottles, cans, and mugs full of stout, bags upon bags of beef jerky and beernuts, and a half dozen or so sacrificial virgins, all pale, blonde, and scantily clad.
To your left, you see hundreds of bookcases groaning under the weight of the thousands of books they contain, all neatly arranged so that you cannot see one single title, but can tell only that they are surely of arcane and dangerous content, likely for no mortal eyes at all. Beyond the bookcases are braziers with sweet and mysterious incense burning within them, tall candleholders containing pitch black candles that burn eternally, and a massive pentagram traced in glowing white powder on the floor, with a stein of stout and a long, ornate dagger in the center, and a stern gargoyle overlooking all.

And directly ahead of you...
Your eyes travel first to the three ornate platinum armchairs directly in front of you, about twenty feet away. In the far right chair sits a lovely woman all in black, and you instinctively recognize this to be Michele, First Priestess of BLEEP! In the far left chair sits another lovely woman, all in white, whom you recognize to be Batty, Second Priestess of BLEEP! and Keeper of the Holieth Nuts. Your eyes travel to the middle chair, which you find empty.
Wondering at this, your eyes inadvertently traverse the tall golden pillars rising behind the middle chair, and you suddenly recognize this to be the Great Throne of BLEEP!
Falling to your knees in awe, you gaze at the stone gargoyles clinging to the sides of the throne, all glaring down at you as if hoping you'll sneeze so they can eat you. Above the throne hangs a massive golden coin, emblazoned with an image of a beautiful woman holding a fork that impales a wiener.
As your mind reels with the import of what you are seeing, a sound akin to that of heavy thunder at a distance roils and echoes across the expanse of the Temple, and you hear a voice.*

"WELCOME TO THE TEMPLE OF , MY CHILD. SPEAKETH THAT WHICH LAYETH UPON YOUR MIND AND SOUL, SO THAT WE, THE GOD OF , MAY CLEANSETH YOUR PSYCHE AND , , AND ALSO .
SPEAKETH, OH HUMBLE WORSHIPER, AND WE SHALL LISTENETH."

Oh mighty God of , thou who is the wearer of the fully loaded holy loincloth , I your humble servant Michele do praise you for your supreme wisdom in selecting only blond virgins for sacrifice... (seeing as I am a brunette and Batty is a redhead) and thus cleansing the world of the vile, pesky blond scourge.

*No offense to any of my blond friends of course *



*sprinkles beer nuts before the great God Thog*

OUR MOST LOYAL AND ABLE DAUGHTER AN FIRST PRIESTESS, YOU PLEASE US TO NO END.... THANK YOU FOR THE BEERNUTS...

::pauses to munch beernuts::


CONTINUE YOUR HOLY QUEST, MY PRIESTESS, FOR EVERYONE IN THE WORLD MUST SOON KNOW THE MULTITUDE OF JOYS TO BE FOUND IN , , AND OF COURSE WE CANNOT FORGET . MAY YOU HAVE MUCH LUCK IN , MY PRIESTESS.

::materializes a , munches on some more beernuts, and climbs off his throne to go sacrifice some virgins::

*enters with a twitch of the Holy Tail, carrying a basket filled with jerky and beernuts for the great God* Oh Thog, great God of . Your loyal servant [and one in full agreement on the blond virgins thing] and priestess is here to do your bidding, along with her most holy sister in dom, Michele.

May the be with you sister Batty! (I always knew the blonds had it coming! )

*Meditates about Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of (and the holy loincloth of course! *

Ommmmm.....

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*gathers up a basket full of beernuts and beef jerky, in preparation of going forth into the word and spreading a little today*

SPREAD THE FAR AND WIDE, MY PRIESTESS... PEOPLE JUST AREN'T GETTING ENOUGH THESE DAYS, NOT TO EVEN MENTION ...::

*snags some beernuts and jerky*

Not enough ?? What a tragedy!!

*prepares herself to go forth and with wild abandon*

*wanders in, notices the bookcase, pulls out an ageing green book and settles down to read, a bad containing beernute & at her side*

*pauses reading for a second to laugh & point at the dumb blonds*

omy

GREETINGS AND MANY S TO YOU, MY CHILD... WELCOME TO THE TEMPLE OF ... DOST THOU COMEST SEEKING SUCCORANCE OR TO PETITION US, OR DOTH THEE SIMPLY COMEST TO SIT AND PERUSE THE FORBIDDEN BOOKS OF ANCIENT AND LONG-FORGOTTEN ING KNOWLEDGE? AS THEE WISH, OF COURSE, ALL THAT IS REQUIRED IS THAT THOU LEAVEST A SMALL OFFERING, PERHAPS OF STOUT OR BEERNUTS, OR PERHAPS THOU KNOWEST OF A YOUNG PALE VIRGIN BLONDE THAT WE MIGHT SACRIFICE AFTER A SEEMLY PERIOD OF ING, S and ?

*glances at the herd of virgins looking for one better equipped to her own purposes than Thog's* There's one... nice and dumb-looking too...

*looks up*

um...hi

i camest to discover what this magnificent place is... ur welcome to some beernuts & from the bag *is relieved she came prepared*.

umm.. would u mind terribly if i continued this book? ive just got to the part of the ceremony where the & the blonds!



omy

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*continues reading occasionally giggling at what happens to the ing blonds!*

omy

::munches on some more of omy's beernuts, steals a swig of her , then wanders off to find a nice blonde virgin to , , , , , , and then sacrifice::




Ahhhhhhhh, this is the life...

Excuse me but I don't remember you specifying that the in virgins were all to be "female"... what are we supposed to do with all of these pale blond male virgins? (opens a door to the left of the throne. Inside is several dozen studly pale blond male virgins, munching on beernuts and beef jerky)

Oh yes, and they all look really dumb!



Oooooohhhh Baaaattteeeeeeeeee... I have a suprise for youuuuuuu!

ICKETH!!!!! ICKETH!!!! EWWWWWWWWETH!!!! GET THEM OUT!!!! YOU, MY LOYAL AND ABLE PRIESTESSES CAN ING HAVE THEM, JUST ING GETTETH THEM ING OUTETH!!!!

Yes, oh most eth on high - it shall be done immediately!

*steps into the male virgin's room, shuts the door*

Okay virgins... listen up! You all received a number when you first got here. I want all of the odd numbers on the left side of the room, and the even numbers on the right. I will be *ahem* instructing those of you with odd numbers and Priestess Batty will be instructing those of you with even numbers.

*herds her virgins into an adjoining small room to the left. Decorated only with large pillows all over the floor, and various small tables around the outer edge of the room ladened with beernuts, beef jerky and . Priestess Michele closes the door behind her. Within a few minutes several loud !!!, Oooohhhs, Aaaahhhhs, a lot of heavy breathing and a few can be heard eminating from the room. Suddenly the door opens and one male virgin tries to escape... a female arm reaches out and drags him kicking and screaming back into the room . The door closes and locks behind him...*

*priestess Batty enters her own room, dragging the escapee she found hiding with the others with her* Just follow me, blondie... all will become apparent in a few minutes...

*sounds frighteningly reminiscent of Wild Kingdom emanate from inside the room, peppered with a few mighty WOOHOOs and a yelp or two*

*one virgin escapes the room, flitzing his way into the herd of dingy female future Hooters waitresses, shreiking at the top of his nilly voice that he's saving himself for the great God of and even gave up Interior Design School for it*