h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I watched out of the train’s window where there were desolate waste lands of demolished buildings of cities and towns that have been laid to waste. It was only after 11 hours of watching this horrific scene that I found myself in the Highlands of Scotland where the villages and towns were brimming with life.

The teacher asked little Luke what he had experienced over the weekend and was shocked to learn that Luke's father had fallen into a well

When asked if his father was okay now, Luke replied "I think so, because he has stopped screaming for help"

I looked back at Earth, where massive heaps of rubble sent up mushroom-like clouds of green and black debris.

"Sir, you will be happy to learn that we will find a suitably Earthlike planet in the Triffic Nebula, said the robot Hal, "and the only bad news is that the triffids that roam the planet can be found everywhere except our fort in the frozen deserts near the North Pole."

I had been playing cops and robbers with little Timmy all afternoon so we were both pretty tired and went to bed early.

In the middle of the night I woke up and the last I experienced was little Timmy standing at the foot of my bed smiling grimly and snarling "eat lead, robber" while firing at me with my genuine Smith & Wes...

Some of the earlier stories in this thread had lulled me into a sense
of complacency -- grim beginnings that yielded to things being all right after all. But when I got past the quaint villages full of souvenir stores and friendly taverns, I noticed that the mountain track leading to my rented chalet had little streams of blood running down the sides, and what was that unearthly snarling sound that kept getting closer in the dark night?

It was night time when I was waiting to get the ferry to Lerwick on the mainland isle but I found the sea had turned into thick mud. The stress of seeing so much mud caused me to appear at the other end of the island while being chased by tall grey aliens.

UFOs had landed in my backyard, but I was relieved to see that they were small, cute, and purple, with white Smurf hats. Then they rushed toward me in a coordinated wave, and began biting chunks of flesh from my exposed legs.

It was a wind-swept, derelict rail-yard that was filled with abandoned, worn out trains that looked like they have not been in use for several centuries. The place was over grown with various types of plant life along with the surrounding cities, which were completely void of all life.

In my grandparents kitchen, there was a long closet which was also underneath the stairs. I went in the closet one day,and found that it had a lift which took me to an underground city.

As I live in a mobile home, I never imagined that there might be a cellar. Then, this morning, I opened a door I had never noticed before, and descended into a dungeon where large, carnivorous rabbits were practicing with large knives.

The underground city entrance was a two room garage that led out to a row of terraced cottages which were uninhabited. There was signs of recent human habitation but no-signs of where they all went.

We were stranded on an island whose population was rumoured to be cannibals so I asked one of the natives if there was any truth in this.
- No, we ate the last cannibal this Thursday, she replied smilingly while gently caressing my body ...

Starved, dazed, and weary, I crawled up on the beach after my ship went down offshore with all hands aboard except me. I kissed the sand in a spirit of thankfulness that I was still alive, but my reverie was interrupted b the sound of my mother-in-law, who always managed to get places ahead of me and cook monstrously awful meals.

The deserted underground was not deserted any-more due to the arrival of 24ft tall demonic looking monsters who were spitting at me with their long-pointed tongues that consumed me with fear and dread as I was enveloped in a fog of darkness. 50ft Nordic deities arrived to attack the demonic looking monsters who were increasing in size and ferocity.

It did!
It didn't!


2nd Episode
Bloody hell it did!
Run!

Doc! From the tests, you've got aids and dementia

Doc! But tomorrow, you'll have forgotten about it.

My cat was chasing the mice down the hall. Then I realized I had become a mouse too, and the cat was getting very near.

Light was beginning to flicker, all around me, as I watched everything fade away. It looked as though reality was glitching and as though all I was experiencing was part of a holoprogramme.

The whole of the city was starting to move and everything around me started to shake. Everything around me, morphed into a gigantic interstellar spaceship that was several miles in length and in width.