h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've ordered a lovely air filter,
In case all my air goes off-kilter.
I hope that it works.
There must be some perks
To having clean air to the hilt(-er).

Hands, knees and boomps-a-daisy
I like a bustle that bends
So come on Maisey and Scorsese
join in with your dear friends

What is a boomp between mates
Hands, knees and don't be lazy
Come to the gate with your dinner plates
and dance like crazy when the sun's hazy

I sing myself to sleep
a song from the darkest hour
Counting sheep jumping over a jeep
as I watch the ivy creep up the tower

Secrets that I cannot keep
inside of the day
with worries that I reap
when they day is cold and grey

Swing from high to deep
extremes of sweet and sour
that I don't want to keep
which goes through my mind every hour

A secret is something to keep
When you are out minding your sheep.
Just don't tell me, please.
I'd blab it with ease,
And then you would think me a creep.

Chicken feet and carrots and the neck of a swan!
One who kisses the girls has an ugly habit!
I was born in England and you were born in Skaane
If you will be my little man, I will be your wife.

(This is an ancient rhyme. Origin unknown. There is a slightly different version in Skaane (part of Sweden closest to Denmark))

Should we create a new thread with silly haikus?

I call this one: "Retired with Schadenfreude":
- - -
Late summer morning
neighbours rush to their workplace
where is my coffee?

- - -

Someone asked me why I resorted to communicate in haikus. I answered:

No time for ballads.
I am a pensioner now.
We are all busy.

Enjoy yourself when putting up the kitchen shelf.
It is easy now since you've become friends with a cheesy cow.
Ever since you convinced yourself that your an elf living in Delph
where everyone practises Tao when using a farmer's plough.

It is later than you think for a drink of gin at the kitchen sink.
As times passes by when you wonder what happened to your bow tie.
So go and make a psychic link with an Eurasian mink
as you go with the flow when wearing pink that makes the boys wink.

You work as an office clerk for years and years
cosplaying as Captain Kirk which will banish all your fears.
You are always on the go with Jo and Flo playing the banjo
and drinking wine from Bordeaux in the Weasley's burrow.

You never take a minute off, to put on your falconers glove
to hold an Eagle owl or to paint a turtle dove that is in love.
You are too busy making dough with your beau Joe
as you want to make a wintery show by making it heavily snow.

Someday you say that you will own a Cairngorm cafe
where you keep your horses and sleigh at the Episcopalian abbey.
You will have your fun in the sun when eating a Chelsea bun
with a Jedi nun with a lightsaber and a phaser which is set to stun.
You want to have rest and recreation when you're a multi millionaire
as a result of heartfelt prayer to the cosmic bear and the mare.

You are going to take the ocean cruise trip with your friend Pip
who likes to kip and to skip which makes him look hip.
Not matter what may, you will be having your sway at the soiree
where you watch Renee and Henri's sentient dancing toupee.
You have got your reservations made, as part of your crusade
where your hair will be braided when visiting Florida Glades.

You just cannot get away when your visiting the seaside quay
to pray that you will be able to go and watch premier ballet.
Next year for sure, you will be able to take a worldwide tour
and that all you need is a brochure which is bought on Yorkshire Moor.
You will see the world when you will get a long kiss curl
but now all you want is your dreams to unfurl by finding the black pearl.
You will be getting around by working as a clown wearing a crown
that wants to paint the town and wear the most regal gown.

I'm waiting for good things to come.
I sit, here, just beating my drum
A great deal of cash?
I'd throw a big bash,
And then give my neighbors all some.

Haiku by a Robot:

Seven hundred ten
Seven hundred eleven
Seven hundred twelve

Poetry bots have come to town,
Turning everything upside down.
They don't know from art,
andn don't give a fart
About finer points. They merit a frown.

It cannot be a surprise
that robots can never apprize
the finer values of poems
after all they are nothing but golems

Your hearts of hearts will be getting another wheelbarrow
which is your dream of dreams to use it to make ice cream.
Your friend Oliver Queen aka the Green Arrow
has caught rainbow trout, salmon and bream that tastes supreme.

He has joined the Central City Barry Allen aka Flash quartette
and will be eating quiche Lorraine and sandwiches made from baguettes.
Don't fret about transport as Oliver has his own private jet
which he owned since he was a 12 year old cadet who played a cornet.

If you want to get ahead, get a hat and play cricket with a bat.
You will be rewarded with a zed bed by Ned and Jed who have just wed.
And you will also be rewarded with a bedspread for your flat
to add to your cat's assorted tat and to the vintage cognac brandy vat.

You will never see Bub at the pub or the nightclub in a hot tub
as he is friends with Bob who sobs over his lost key fob.
You don't dare to dance as you could have a fine romance
in France with Lance who lives in a Scottish minister's manse.

Bill the whale has had his fill of krill and swill when waiting at the till
with Jack wearing his mac in his garden shack eating mutton rack.
Dill will wear lots of frills as he takes a chill pill when using a bit and drill
who has got the knack of making a quick midnight cheese snack.

Enjoy your self when putting up the kitchen shelf
as it is easier now since you have got the know how.
It will help with your physical vigour and health
to come a member of the intellectual high brow.

It is later than you think
for your last drink.
Time's up at the bar
so don't forget your guitar.
The Pub will be closing at ten
when the landlady says Amen.

Have a knees up, where everyone says yup
to the pup sitting in a large silver goblet cup.
Do as you please when eating vintage blue cheese
Say hello to the honey bees who are a bit of a tease.
They will be joined by a high-flying sales rep who's full of pep
about Johnny Depp who he saw sitting on a doorstep.

[aside]

Brendan Behan was once invited to Oxford to take part in a debate about the difference between prose and poetry.
His opponent spoke for almost two hours. Behan rose to his feet and promised to be brief.
He recited an old Dublin Rhyme:
"There was a young fella named Rollocks
He worked for Ferrier Pollocks
As he walked on the Strand
With a girl by his hand
The water came up to his ankles"
- That, - declared Behan, - is prose. But if the tide had been it it would have been poetry."

It's a waste of space when doing an about face
said the outer space ace called Trace The Mace.
Dance the jig when on the Enterprise's brig
for not looking after "I am Groot" sapling's twig.
Go on a hike to the Mardyke to fish for pike
where you may see a shrike riding on a trike.
Watch a dog jog in the fog and rest on fallen log
drinking a bowlful of eggnog with a toad and a frog.

The sunlight is nice hereabouts.
I cannot hear any loud shouts.
The air, it feels nice,
Not like fire nor ice,
A perfect Fall da, no one doubts.

Oh my funny one, where have you gone?
Are you searching for Ron, the errant swan?
When are you going to give me some time
when the clock chimes nine in my home in Blenheim.
Will you be wearing your antique silk kimono
which was made by my friends Mona and Jonah?
Will you be shouting attention to Hun the bun
by telling her your favourite joke and pun?
Will you be visiting Newcastle upon Tyne
and will you be drinking fine wine at the Magpies shrine?

the fall is here - make no mistake
the leaves are cluttering up my rake
the spiders will spider
they are so much brighter
i can't even knit for pete's sake