h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My mouse is acting quite badly.
I don't know why, (saying quite sadly),
A virus,,perhaps?
That's scary! it's taps
. It' making me mad(ly).

Dave holds a rave in his bear cave
with the help of his friend Maeve.
They are brave when having a close shave
when working on a stone lathe.

Don and Ron eat salad brawn
on their garden lawn at the break of dawn.
They are visited by a fawn and swan
where they live in Milan.

Tone loves to moan when on the phone
to Joan about his clone who has created a cyclone.
This was caused when the clone played the trombone
by the river Rhone when sitting on his throne.

My mouse a bit better today.
I hope it is well on its way
To functioning better.
I do not know whether
It's just got some griping to say.

And when October goes
when the Easterly wind blows.
The leaves begin to fly
as I say goodbye to you Abhy.

The grey overcast sky
when I watch a flyby.
Is then I remember you
the last time we met over a fondue.

The same dreams appears
which banishes all my fears.
I see you close to me
in my arms that fills me with glee.

It won't be long before I see you again.
We will meet on the Stathspey steam train.
This where we will be making our home
in Aviemore in a house that's topped with a dome.

I don't know why trees cannot fly.
I wish I could watch them fly by.
Their roots all would wiggle.
The children would giggle,
And we would eat all sorts of pie.

I want to go on a hike to Hawick
with my long wooden walking stick.
I can do a magic trick
that creates a candlewick and a brick.

I want to go on a hike to the Mardyke
where I spotted a great grey shrike.
I will ride on my red and blue trike
to a wooden pike statue on the rambler's pike.

You left me spinning like a disco
at a nightclub in San Francisco.
Trying but I do not know
where I put my banjo and bandeau.
If I can stand straight
I am prepared to learn how to skate.
You took me left
to define what is a gill cleft.
You knew I was right
about how to become a Jedi knight.
I have to strive all through the day
wondering when will I ever visit the quay.

I never knew what you were capable of
when you first lost my turtle dove.
Baby, I would have kept my heart
for Bart and his shopping cart.
But I gave it up
to the pup that likes to say yup.
Baby, I fell in love
with gardening and then grew a foxglove.
Now I do not know where to start
on making my bramble and raspberry tart.

It is so cold with nobody to hold me
and make me a pot of tea.
You are so wrong in leaving me
to go and move to Wick by the Sea.
You would never leave me by myself
with the elf called Delph on the shelf.
Out in the middle of nowhere
on a wing and a prayer with a bear.
Now, I am lost
where everything around me is covered in frost.
Trying to make it on my own
with my guitar and my trombone.

You left me broken like a record
and like a lost chord.
You left me baby
at the motorway lay-by.
I do not want to play anymore
when I am in the boat holding the oar.
I missed every sign
when I was sitting by the River Tyne.
I believed every lie
about why you will not wear a tie.
Oh woah, let the Easterly wind blow
as the heavy snow begins to flow.

You took my heart off my sleeve
when I began to basket weave.
Baby, I will be taking it back
Jack who's a bit of an anorak.
Baby, here I come
with my bass drum and bottle of rum.
You, took advantage of me
by going on a huge shopping spree.
I do not appreciate that
with they way you decorate the flat.
You sun of a gun
why will you not join me in the fun run?

When I was a little girl
I had a large kiss curl.
I had a rag doll
that had a satin shawl.
The only doll I ever had
and it made me feel so glad.
It was so precious to me
and it made me feel carefree.
I love you in the same way
as you banish all the grey.
But only now my love has grown
since I got this new phone.

And my love gets stronger every day
whenever I visit the parfait cafe.
And it gets deeper, let me say
whenever I am practising ballet.

And do I love you oh my
and it is making me feel fit and spry.
Yeh river deep mountain high
and I do not know why?

Oh I lost you would I cry?
Would I find you to be the best guy?
Oh I love you baby
and will invite you for afternoon tea.

When you were a young boy
you were filled with joy.
Did you have a puppy
that inspired you to become a yuppie?
That always followed you around
which you chose as your favourite Afghan hound.
No, I will never let you down
when I am in town wearing my best gown.

Because it grows stronger, like a river flows
when it is so cold that the inside of the windows froze.
And it gets bigger baby, heaven knows
why I compose prose about my favourite rose.
And it gets sweeter baby, as it grows
but nobody knows except those fluent in Faroese.

I love you baby like a flower loves the spring
Which is my thing to sit on my garden swing.
And I love you baby like a school boy loves his pet
As well as those who like to travel by jet.
And I love you baby, maybe when I am drinking tea
Or singing to the honey bee who wants to be free.

It's my party Marty
it's only for the hale and hearty.
I'll cry if I want to, so why don't you go.
As you would cry if it happened to you.

Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone
as the last time they saw him was on the lawn.
But Judy left the same time as him
when the lights began to dim.

Was he holding her hand
as he walked to the dancing band?
When he was supposed to be mine
in the evening at nine where will wine and dine.

I'm back with a brand new computer.
It's faster, but not a bit cuter.
It works much the same,
And Free cell's my game,
I haven't yet had to reboot 'er.

Take me out to the ball game.
Take me out with the crowd.
We will see the Grande dame
who will sing out loud.
She will banish the grey cloud
with the help of her flame.

Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Let me root, root, root for the home team.
Along with my friends will be wearing our our anoraks
as we chant and scream when eating ice cream.
We will get the knack when eating our snacks
watching our team win, which will be our dream.

The elves gave old Santa a gift.
They hope it will give him a lift.
It keeps the blood warm,
Is good in a storm,
And melts the occasional drift.


(Hint: it contains some alcohol)

I was born in the waggon of a travelling show
where we stopped at every town and meadow.
My mamma used to dance for the money that they throw
while Joe and Flo would go with the flow.
Papa do whatever he could when wearing his hood
as he preached a little gospel and sell bottles of Doctor Good.
Then he would tell a story about how mamma could make it snow
and Mamma's secret recipe on how to make sourdough.

Ronnie and Donny met with Bonnie and Yanni
who met together at three, underneath the willow tree.
They're swooning as they go spooning
when rose pruning while softly crooning.
Their love is strong and true said Sue to Hugh
as they watch them kiss and say adieu.