h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The chickens come in to the house to make a den
and write in their dairy using their best fountain pen.
The cat meditates on a yoga mat wearing a bowler hat
with a bobcat sharing chitchat about collecting a vat full of tat.

If you eat the stew, you'll able to be an expert in jujitsu
or transform into a cockatoo or even transport yourself to Peru.
Inside the fridge there is a portal that will transport you to a bridge
guarded by a giant midge which will take you to Oxbridge.

diary not dairy

The diary was found in a dairy.
Was it risque? No, not very.
No romance, because
The authoress was
Seven years old, and so merry.

Jack and Jill
Felt very ill,
And put the blame on God.
God disputed
The blame imputed,
And sent them to Cape Cod.

I got lost in the frost and got covered in alecost
I got lost in the fog with my pet dog when having a jog.
I got my car exhaust embossed and then had it glossed.
I got lost in my thoughts where I wanted visit a wintry Prague.

Embossed exhaust is a thought most tiring.
Lost in fog? I've been there many times.
The frost comes closer each day; Fall's expiring.
Prague's a beautiful place in sunny climes.

[Thinker, I get lots of good ideas from reading your work. ]

Women are from Venus
Men are from Mars
How fruitful they are
the wandering stars

"We are from Pluto"
I heard a dog tell us
but that can't be right
You think he meant Sirius?

I come from the great planet Terra,
The home of the Trumps and the tides.
Our greatest philosopher is Berra,
And Disney has the greatest rides.

Oh, I do not care if a large black bear has become the city mayor.
And goes by the name of Claire who daily says a prayer for a affair.
Oh, I don't care about Sydney* who has become friends with Blair who's a hare
that makes the best knitwear when sitting in his armchair wearing a headsquare.

I really love it a little bit when I'm feeling full of humour and grit
when I am writing out a chit for my services in teaching people not to quit.
I help people learn how to become healthy and fit and how to crotchet and knit
and help them write a comedy skit about a making the best banana split.

*Sydney the Squirrel the weather forecasting seer

I got this feeling I have been reeling on the ceiling,
covered in potato peelings which is quite appealing.
I have even been caught freewheeling inside a shieling**
with a displaced ciuthach* that opened it's mouth and began squealing.
It told me that it would help me to write poetry with more feeling
and even give me the powers of healing, invisibility and concealing.

It was a summer's day when I was attacked by the fey at the cafe
by the bonnie banks and brae of Loch Lomond where there was quite a fray.
Shouting and fighting as they practised their ballet and croquet
some even argued over a soufflé on the best way to crotchet.
The leader of them was a padre who said everything is okay
as he will calm the situation by bringing a band who plays reggae.

When the ramble had gone there was fawn called Ron on the lawn
talking to a giant chess pawn called Shawn about the life of Don Juan.
There was a swan called Khan who could talk in Klingon when eating a prawn
and reciting quotes from the Lord of the Rings spoken by Lord Aragorn.
We all laughed as we began practising with our baton at the beauty salon
next to the cafe where Renee with his sentient dancing toupee called Hosea.

I then crashed my car next to the bar which was quite bizarre
as the bar changed into a Middle-Eastern bazaar run by a Czar
who smoke a long cigar when playing a sitar about the Elven lady, Evening Star***
where he sparred with an orc and a troll looking up to the lodestar.
I have written my strange encounter in my memoirs along with my time with a jaguar
on an animal spirit vision quest as I longed to find my animal guide and avatar.

*Ciuthach A cave dwelling spirit localised to the Highlands of Scotland

**Shieling A shepherd's hut

***Evening Star or Evenstar Lord of the Rings Arwen

Sydney, Blair, and Clair set sail
In a beautiful pea-green boat.
One had money, anther had honey,
And one was prized for her coat.

I got into your new car and drove it over a narrow bridge
with your fridge which has a fridge magnet shaped like a midge.
I drove as fast as I could and drove in to a box full of fudge
that was guarded by two men dressed as a Victorian lord and judge.
I could not slow down due to being distracted by a flying partridge
who was flying towards your car holding an old-fashioned music cartridge.

Then I tried hard to think what to do but my hair started to burn
as I turned around to see that my mind caused a fire in the grass and fern.
All this did was help me to discern why I was unable to learn how to turn
your car due to having psychosomatic heartburn that made my stomach churn.
The only thing that comforted was the thought of a drinking a glass of sauterne
to stop me worrying about my concern about going to the Swiss city of Berne.

As I put the fire out in my hair and outside, I began to neigh and to bray.
My mind began to stray of thoughts of being stuck in a noisy crowded soiree
at a party where all they served was sorbet and cold soufflé by the cafe gourmet
on a cold winter's day where the entry fee was an ornament made from clay.
I could not stop thinking about the travelling by sleigh on a murky brae
where I lost my way to the town's local drama group play about a valet
who had a special beret that gave her inspiration to write a cabaret.
All I could think of what would happen if I didn't know what to say
when it was my part in the play when all I could do is shout out 'hey'.

I have taken your shoulder bag with one of your videos of "Fun with Flags"
which has a clip of you dressed in the very best designer clothe rags.
I find mealtimes a drag as only ever eat is Klingon style mutton scrag
and listen to your jokes about a deer stag wearing a designer clothes tag
reading a your magical life mag about encounters with a goblin and a hag
that causes time to lag which is caused by the arrival of the greylag.*

I then watched as bear saying a prayer to the air of a request for hair
for a dare and to be able to grow pears and dance in the village square.
The bear prayed for a lair and a comfy rocking chair way from the sun's glare
and to have the flair to wear 70's trouser flares to wear at the fun fair.
This is the most surreal experience I have had since I heard a fanfare
at a summer party where everyone was dressed in thermals and woollen-ware.

You told me that were journey on a different road and sing in church mode.
You also told me that you have use morse code to communicate with a toad
and that you travelling by rail-road could make your superpowers explode.
You even said that you have been bestowed with the desire to right an ode
to travelling down the bye-roads to the villages where time has slowed
down and which is the perfect place to build your traditional eco-abode.

You said that you wanted to see me travel by boat down the river Firth.
You did not think that I came from planet Earth or I could experience mirth
whenever I am lying asleep in bed in my cabin on the Orient Express berth.
You even said I have never being visited by Santa who has a wide girth
and that I am like the Ferengi and they way they value latinum's worth.
You say that my only ambition is to go and live in the Scottish city of Perth
and that by finding my purpose where my talents will grow causing my rebirth.

You said that I have a strange dream of wanting to explore outer space.
by travelling in a warp-drive space craft to make first contact with an alien race.
You told me that doing this will fill me with many blessings and graces
from the various space chases that I have with many flying space aces
who's planetary food delicacies include dishes made with exotic looking plaice.
You even foretold that I will cause reality and time to be replaced
with a more bizarre one where cities are empty and villages are crowded.
There will even where portals will appear when they are completely shrouded.

You tell me that you don't me to leave as you will get me to meet Argus Flitch.
You told me he is a squib who could not even summon a flying golden snitch.
You even tried to bribe me with the philosopher's stone by saying it will make me rich.
You even told me that you could teach me to play quidditch without a hitch.
You even promised me to give me magical powers and transform into a witch.
You said you had a cure for every sickness and whenever head begins to itch.

I forget to mention that the greylag is breed of goose.

Here is my poem re-done:Poem inspired by the song ‘I don’t care, I love it!’

It was a summer's day when I was attacked by the fey at the cafe
by the bonnie banks and brae of Loch Lomond where there was quite a fray.
Shouting and fighting as they practised their ballet and croquet
while others argued over a soufflé on the best way to crotchet.
The leader of them was a padre who said everything is going to be okay
as he will calm the situation by bringing a band who plays reggae.

It feels like I have dancing on the ceiling which I find to be quite appealing.
I have even been caught by my neighbours freewheeling inside a shieling*
with a displaced ciuthach** that opened its mouth and began squealing.
It told me that it would help me to write poetry with more feeling
and even give me the powers of healing, invisibility and concealing.

When the crowd had gone there was fawn called Ron on the lawn
talking to a giant chess pawn called Shawn about the life of Don Juan.
There was a swan called Khan who could talk in Klingon when eating a prawn
and reciting quotes from the Lord of the Rings spoken by Lord Aragorn.
We all laughed as we began practising with our baton at the beauty salon
next to the cafe where Renee with his sentient dancing toupee called Hosea.

I then crashed your car next to the bar which was quite bizarre
as the bar changed into a Middle-Eastern bazaar run by a czar
who smokes a long cigar when singing about the Elven lady, Evening Star***
where he sparred with an orc and a troll as they looked up to the lodestar.
I have recorded my experiences in my memoirs of my time with a jaguar
on an animal spirit vision quest as I longed to find my animal guide and avatar.

I got into your new car and drove it over a narrow bridge
with your fridge which has a fridge magnet shaped like a midge.
I drove as fast as I could and drove in to a box full of fudge
that was guarded by two men dressed as a Victorian lord and judge.
I could not slow down due to being distracted by a flying partridge
that was flying towards your car holding an old-fashioned music cartridge.

Then I tried hard to think what to do but my hair started to burn
as I turned around to see that my mind caused a fire in the grass and fern.
All this did was help me to discern why I was unable to learn how to turn
your car due to having psychosomatic heartburn that made my stomach churn.
The only thing that comforted was the thought of drinking a glass of sauterne
to help me relax when deciding if I should go on holiday to the city of Berne.

As I put the fire out in my hair and outside, I hear the sound of a donkey bray.
My mind began to stray of thoughts of time I was at very noisy soiree
where all they served was sorbet and cold soufflé by the cafe gourmet.
It was on winter's day where there was an entry fee of a pot made of clay.
I could not stop thinking about the time I travelled by sleigh on a murky brae
when I lost my way to take part in drama group play about a valet
who had a special beret that gave her inspiration to write a cabaret.
All I could think of what would happen if I didn't know what to say
when it was my part in the play; I would run behind the bale of hay.

I have taken your shoulder bag with one of your videos of "Fun with Flags"
which has a clip of you dressed in the very best designer clothes rags.
I find mealtimes a drag as we only ever eat is Klingon style mutton scrag
and listen to your jokes about a deer stag wearing a designer clothes tag
reading a your magical life mag about encounters with a goblin and a hag
that causes time to lag which is caused by the arrival of the greylag.****

A man dressed as a bear was saying a prayer to the air of a request for hair
for a dare and to be able to grow pears and dance in the village square.
The bear prayed for a lair and a comfy rocking chair way from the sun's glare
and to have the flair to wear 70's trouser flares to wear at the fun fair.
This is the most surreal experience I have had since I heard a fanfare
at a summer party where everyone was dressed in thermals and woollen-ware.

You told me that I am travelling on a different road carrying a heavy load.
You also told me that you have used Morse code to communicate with a toad
and that travelling by rail-road would make your superpowers explode.
You even said that you have been bestowed with the desire to right an ode
about travelling down the bye-roads to the village where time has slowed
and that it is the perfect place to build your traditional eco-abode.

You wanted to travel to the East side of Scotland by boat down the river Firth;
and that the thought of me travelling on a steam train filled you with mirth
to imagine me reading “Death on the Orient Express” in my cabin berth.
You don’t believe that I ever been visited by Santa who has a wide girth
and that I am like the Ferengi in the way they measure gold by it’s worth.
You say that my only ambition is to go and live in the Scottish city of Perth
to discover my life’s purpose through my talent that will lead to my rebirth.

You said that I have a strange dream of wanting to explore outer space,
by travelling in a warp-drive spacecraft to make first contact with an alien race.
You told me that doing this will fill me with many blessings and graces
from the various space chases that I have with many flying space aces
whose planetary food delicacies include dishes made with exotic looking plaice.
You even foretold that I will cause reality and time to be replaced
with a more bizarre one where cities are empty and villages are crowded.
There will be discoveries of portals that will appear completely shrouded.

You promised me that you will get me to meet Hogwart’s Argus Flitch.
You told me he is a squib who could not even summon a flying golden snitch.
You even tried to bribe me with the philosopher's stone to make me very rich.
You even told me that you could teach me to play quidditch without a hitch.
You even promised me to transform into a very talented and powerful witch.
You said you have made a balm for dry scalps with a persistent itch.

*Shieling A shepherd's hut
**Ciuthach A cave dwelling spirit localised to the Highlands of Scotland
***Evening Star or Evenstar Lord of the Rings Arwen
****Greylag, a breed of geese
*****Sydney the Squirrel the weather forecasting seer

My limericks are all short and sweet.
I think they'll knock you off your feet,
So please hold on tight.
If I go on all night,
Then please don't ask me to repeat.

I do not care if you’re an armchair climate doctrinaire who loves to glare
at the long range weather models which you compare to a mild fest nightmare.
I don’t care how many times you run up and down the stairs waiving your arms in the air.
You say that I am unaware of the strong polar vortex that will lead to a winter being mediocre.
You say that the chance of snowy weather is the same as a bear becoming Lord Mayor.
You say that it is a folly to prepare for colder weather with an order of knit wear.

Snow seems like a low blow.
Hail is what we bring to the chief.
Rain brings wetness to those below.
To the drought-stricken it brings relief.

I love the times when we ran off with Sydney* on a daring winter midnight flit.
I love it when you’re wearing an odd woollen mitt which is a very poor fit.
I love it when you say that you’re happy that I become creative in the moonlit
sky when making my patchwork quilt which I got out of a needlework kit.
I love it when I transmit my humour, wisdom and wit when doing the splits
eating banana split ice cream talking to a car-parking permits hermit from the Outer Limits.

*Sydney the squirrel, the unofficial mascot of all of the weather forecast forums and of those true 'coldies' in the UK, British Isles and Europe who prefer cold dry winter weather

You are so hard to please when it comes to eating blue veined vintage cheese.
You even refuse to eat honey without first going to the hive and inspecting the bees.
You say that you want to have the very best with a Yule log and 7 Christmas trees.
You told me that you will be getting me organic cotton clothing with a silk chemise.
You like to go tease me with promise UK wide snow and that you will buy me a pair of skis.
You say that the weather is going to freeze according to your sister Louise.

Squirrels are chewing the power lines
That light the lights on Boston Common's trees.
How to stop them? We've tried fines,
But that didn't work, everyone agrees.


[This is a true story. Well, not about the fines, but the squirrels really are causing chaos]