h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

All i want for xmas
is a leopard leotard
and a pair of wellies
it will make me look so smart



Thanks goes to 2legs for inspiration

All I want for Yule is to look cool
wearing my Arkenstone jewel.
Sitting by an log open fire
dreaming of living in the Shire.
A hobbit's life is my winter's wish
and a dish of the finest oily fish.
To have Harry Potter magical powers
and a garden full of flowers.
A world full of the creatures of Middle Earth
and Harry Potter would give us a lot of mirth.

All I want for Christmas
Is to keep it away,
Keep it away.
Snow and sleet and slushiness.
I'll need a sleigh,
I'll need a sleigh.

My cat Simba is good at Zumba
and his moves looks quite bizarre.
He thinks he either is a lion or a jaguar,
who loves to drive a car to the fish bar.

The cat who thinks he's a lion
Is one I must keep my eye on.
The cat who thinks he's a jaguar
Is really going too far.
The cat who thinks he's a horse
Is crazy, of course!

Crazy Horse was a very cool
He danced in the moonlight without any hat
dressed as a he made many men worry
they wished him deported to slave in a quarry

There was a pony called Tony
who ate palony sausage with macaroni.
He talked such a lot of baloney
when talking about his friend Joan a cony
who's an alleged expert in pallone.
She also said to have organised the grandest marriage ceremony
that was celebrated by a vicar who's a Shetland pony.

I once was engaged to a vicar,
Who started to drink lots of liquor.
I threatened to leave.
He said, "I believe
That only will make me much sicker."

Come to the church bring and buy sale
where you will hear many a tall tale.
Then you'll be recruited on the parish committee
where everyone is witty about getting down to the nitty-gritty.
You'll only have to promise that you'll attend evening song
and it won't be long before you'll feel that you finely belong.

Everybody is talking about you new ways of walking.
This inspires you to think outside the box when eating Lox.
As eating fish makes people creative when they're chalking
pictures of Fawkes the phoenix onto building blocks.

This then will make life seem to be set on repeat which is quite a feat.
It will feel like you are in a time loop given you permanent deja vu
and not having a clue why it makes you want to bleat when it begins to sleet.
You'll get answers by travelling to Peru to meet Lulu a gnu on a retreat in Peru.

I think outside the Bachs
When I hear Mr. Handel.
No greater music rocks,
Nor holds a candle.

What you are experiencing is not real.
You are in fact a character in a superhero comic book.
This is where it starts to get completely surreal
and you find yourself next to a fast flowing brook.

You'll probably find yourself breaking the fourth wall
and lightening up the mood with references to pop culture.
You may even think you're on DS9* playing a game of baseball
on the holosuite and being chased by a very talkative vulture.


*DS9 Deep Space Nine, the name of a space station near Bajor

I am not a character in a comic book.
You aren't seeing the world very well
If you think that way when you look.
Or listen with a open mind to what I tell.

I loved comic books in my youth,
Outgrowing them since -- that's the truth.
Alas, Hollywood
Oft adapts them -- not good!
That's why movies now are uncouth.

Oh, Oh, there goes Flo with Joe going with the flow
as they play the banjo to make it heavily snow
by tomorrow which will be coming from Bordeaux.
This is a weather event that is caused by Northern Blocking*
which will have all winter weather enthusiasts rocking.
This will be proceeded by a sudden stratospheric warming
which will be quite heart warming and it will be quite transforming.
The SSW** will reach dizzy heights and make quite a spectacular show.


*Northern Block is a meteorological term
**Sudden stratospheric warming

There's something to be said for snow.
When falling, it makes a nice show.
But after a while
I regard it with bile,
When seven-foot drifts are my foe.

The ink in my fountain pen
turned a lethal blend
of Bombay Sapphire and vitriol
the night she wrote
I was too old

I stand in my driveway, shovel in hand.
There's no place to put all this snow.
"White Christmas" is one tune I just cannot stand.
I'll join Bing on the "Road to Rio."

Come and walk this way to the best tasting food for a gourmet.
Go to the cafe restaurant and try the latest sorbet and soufflé.
Ride in a horse drawn cabriolet to see the musical Cabaret
where they have a matinee show this coming Saturday.

Rhymes about food
Often get me in the mood.
Too often I'm grumpy
When my road is bumpy,
But coffee and pie
Tell tenseness goodbye.