h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ekee thump, said the bicyle pump,
to the tree stump with the hump.
So they started to shimmy.
down the chimmney, chased by Jimmy.
Who was in a spin with his thingummy.
Ended up in the pub, drinking gin,
as they played their violins.
Making them go a funny shade of blue,
as they listened to Peggy Sue,
the singing kangaroo from Peru.

Racist

In case my case is in my case
My face in my face
My grace in time of grace
I shall race in that race on Race Day........
It's the Race of Races, so they say.................

Hip
Hip
Hooray.

I cashed in my chips
When the man with three hips
Said "Hip hip hip hooray"
Yes, that was quite a day....

My name maybe dipstick
Perhaps it's 'cuz I'm thick
If you search for oil
Then lance my boil
That'll get on your wick.

Rounding up feathers is what I do.
It's not at all glamorous, that is true.
Feathers are nonconformist, every last one,
And so you see, my work is never done.

Rounding up feathers is what I do.
After awhile, I feel deja vu.
When I first started, they said I would find
Sooner or later I'd lose my mind.

I am a lamb and when I can't sleep
I count jumping men, I learned this from a sheep.

I love my Lucinda, the world's fairest lass,
The fairest that e'er cross the planet did pass,
And he who can't see this is truly an *ss.

Her eyes are bewitching, and so is her nose,
And everything else between them and her toes.
(I've scrutinized them many times, goodness knows!)

I love my Lucinda. She's truly a jewel.
I know that most other men see her and drool,
But I have laid claim to her (I'm not a fool!)

I
used
to
write
sideways
at
90
degrees
in
the
sun
like
this

kiss a me give and
forward step would girls the so
this like
backwards wrote I then but

around
me
messed
they
and
joked
just
they
because
down
upside
wrote
I
then
so

Sheep like to bleat when they are on their feet,
as they go and greet the goats who love to compete.
Having races where the prize is a bed with clean sheets,
and to live in a house, in the village street.
Where they will feast on meals made from wheat,
as well as salads with added herbs, that taste very sweet.

There isn't a jam that goes well with lamb.
There's no special preserve that with goat I would serve.
And to spread lemon curd on an elephant herd.
Is like marmite with mermaids, the very last word.

Wading in the sea, in the sea, in the sea
Is my favorite, favorite, favorite thing.
From yon island I hear, I hear, I hear a melody
From the mermaids, the mermaids, the mermaids who sing.

Truly, madly, deeply I search the aisles
For marinated sugarcoated crocodiles,
To grill at next Saturday's barbecue,
Accompanied by elephant foot fondue.

The clouds parted to reveal
A massive ship with hull of steel,
But all the rest was made of lace.
It sank each time it tried to race.

They tiptoed through the garden late at night,
Observing sll the planets in their flight,
Not knowing how the planets watched them, too...

The joker in the pack is called Jack,
and he likes to wear a black mac.
But when he plays poker,
all his clothes are coloured ochre.
Where he dines on baked croaker,
which makes hin want to go and become a booker.
Wearing an elobrate choker, that makes him a provoker.
As he goes and argues with the chef about being a non-smoker.
When he is not having arguements, he likes to have snacks in the back.
And then at lunch time, he quacks at people called Zach.
During the day he works as a stockbroker,
and at weekends he works on a steamship as a stoker.

She could knock spots off of any pair of dice,
That girl who served me with egg fried rice,
She could show a pretty leg in a frock or a sarong,
On a slow boat to China where she played Majong,
With inscrutable skill and her eastern eyes.
She could see what was coming, she was very wise.
She could kick box kippers, with her long black hair.
She was an imprudent student from Tiananmen Square.

I can't explain the who or why
Of things that fall on us from the sky.
My neighbor was just getting home
When hit by someone's garden gnome.

Or Mrs. Malley, planting a shrub,
was hit by someone's old bathtub.
Her coma lasted one full year,
And now her bathtub makes her fear.

Soap on a rope
In the image of the pope
Therefore has the scope
To save a poor dope
That cannot even cope
As he has giv'n up hope
Of climing the rocky slope
So he cannot elope
With an atelope
With which he had a grope
So now he must mope
When asked for forgiveness twas nope
So he ended it with a rope

With consummate care I read the recipe:
Take two pounds of flour and a pound of French bri;
Take a litre of nice green virgin olive oil;
Take a pound of demerara sugar, bring to the boil;
Add a kilo of sultanas, and similarly dates;
A quart of fresh milk to give to your mates.
I was just going to take a quart of brown ale,
When the grocer called a policeman, and now I'm in jail!

An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman, Begorrah!
Are in this funny joke, I will tell it you tomorrah!