h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've heard of endocrinology,
But I'm not yet ready for the end.
Startocrinology might be my best bet,
But can I get there with a friend?

Somewhere there's a sweet life with my name on it,
A cozy little house in a grove of oaks,
A nice wife with a ginham dress and sun bonnet,
And Uncle Siegfried on the porch crackin' jokes.

Six or seven kids, miraculously well-behaved,
Happy to finish their homework and do the chores
At night, when my love and I are alone, we can eat junk food
And read tabloids on all fours.

In the Night Garden,
With Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy.
We waited for the Ninky-nonk,
To arrive before things got too hazy.

The Pontipines were out to lunch,
With all the Wottingers I know.
The Pinky-Ponk had took them all,
With its big nose a-glow.

Toot-toot it's Makka-Pakka, what a guy,
He's chasing the Hahoos.
He wants to wash their faces but,
They bounce like kangaroos.

I'm off to join the Tombliboos,
There's Unn and Ooo and Eee.
We'll play the drums and organ too,
Then settle down to tea.

Oh Dear Janet, is in love with a gannett.
That feeds on haslett that comes from Mt Everestt.
And thinks i'ts a yeti with a love of spaghetti.
Runs a lot, which makes him quite sweaty.
One day he is male and the other day he is female.
On the day's that he is female, he is called Betty.
And when he is male, he is known as Brett.
This makes Janet very amused and confused.
Which is only a ruse to become enthused.
About the process of mutating and rotating.
As she acquires superhuman powers as she goes commentating.
Meditating about Magneto and his magnetic personality.
Paliptating at the thought of her individuality.
Spectating and gravitating as part of the mutating process.
Which makes her think that she is an abbess and a princess.

I am beaming at the sea view, week by week.
Beaming at the flies that have joined the clique;
Joined with the mutton pies reign supreme, at the boutique,
On the island of gloves, practising their weird technique.

Let me call you "flowchart," I want to throw my shoes.
Let me adhere to office meetings as I shove on my kid gloves.
Keep the stove-light on as I write the minutes with glue.
Let me call you "flowchart," as I go and have a snooze.

Longing for a versatile style, as I adore the floor.
Longing for bugs bunny to tile the isle, near the shore.
Herds of bison, beaming at the pews, week by week.
Beaming at the skies, when it's raining rice,
As the moon beams out of reams of paper, and sugary mice.
On the island of gloves, where they sing the blues.

Let me call you "flowchart," I'm going for a brew.
Let me become crispier, when I visit the zoo.
Keep the stove-light showing in your french fries, so blue.
Let me call you "flowchart," and we'll live in a canoe.

Longing to go the office to go and file the tiles, chore and chore;
Longing for bugs bunny to visit Kyle the kangaroo, as I roar
Herds of bison in a car drinking beer, with noses blooming at the fair.
You, have blown up the table, along with the beer and the canoe.

Let me call you "flowcart," I'm a dove from Peru.
Let me peer at the spheres that have made you revere new tattoos.
Keep the stove-light flowing as make the gruel with glue.
Let me call you "flowchart," As we dance the pas-de-deux.
With lots of cheer and beer; you accrue snooker cues.

Let me call you "flowchart," as I cook the stew.
Let me see you make beer out of glue, as you play at the zoo.
Keep the stove-light flowing in your pies made of chews.
Let me call you "flowchart," And I'll say adieu to Lou the shampoo.

Mick the picg went to a gig.
Became very sick as he started to jig.
Felt little bit better, decided to climb the rig.
Were he found that he lost his wig.
Which was caught by a very drunk Trig.
Trig gave Mick his bottle of beer, to have a swig.

As Mick was leaving him, he bumped into some rowdy swine.
Who were mimimg at Calvin Klein, who was covered in grime.
Drinking bottles of lime and brine, that made them whine.
The sun started to shine, as they sang fog on the Tyne.
Felt a bit sick as they pointed to the sign, showing the tent selling wine.

Mick, Trig and the swine came over with a fever.
As they pressed the lever, controlled by a beaver.
Felt like it was flu which made their skin go blue.
They had not a clue what to do, as they went to the loo.
Which was guarded by a kanagroo called Roo.
Testing them for tropical flu with a shoe.

This weird flu, made them want to eat Baloney.
Which made them feel very loney and some even phoney.
So they start to talk to their imaginary friend Maloney.
Who is a boar, that lives on the shore, in a store.
Selling apples cores that made people roar, when entering the door.

I think I'll write a short poem, composed of short verse.
It might not be better, but at least it won't be worse.

There was once a lady typing with a pigeon on her head
Her best fiend Fred asked her "why not a parrot instead?"
"Nay, nay", said the lady (who wasn't a horse)
The answer is very simple of course
"Parrots talk when you're typing, it's distracting and, worse,
They're heavy, and I'm trying to write light verse."

Woof went the dog who was sitting on the log.
Playing with the clock's cogs, that made fog.
Joined by a laughing hedgehog who was all agog.
Who was drinking glasses of egg nog.

Meow went the cat who was sitting on the mat.
Having a chat with a bat, who was wearing a hat.
Talked about Mortal Combat, that made them feel fat.
So they found a chocolate gat and lots of tat.
Turned them into musical rats, playing scat.

We're here to honor the silliest people of the year.
That some of them are government official is coincidence,
Like the Obama aide who plunged New York City into fear
With low-flying planes for photo-op nonsense.

That was Cupid Stunt* who did that stunt (the silly cupid)

I hope if Obama meets this fool
He'll privately and violently lose his cool

The whole thing was so obscene
It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen


*Cupid Stunt was a well-known female character to the British: - S.C. transposed

When I am drunk, I am sober.
Especially in the month of October.
And when I am sober, I am drunk.
With pockets filled full of junk.
Talking to an imaginary skunk.
Who listens to punk, and think it's a monk.
That eats chocolate in big chunks.
With chocolate sauce used as a dunk.
Living with an elephant in trunk.
Who think it's a hunk that sleeps on a bed bunk.

The Foo-foo valve's a wondrous thing,
It's uses they are many.
It's running costs are very small,
Each unit costs a penny.

It makes a better cup of tea,
And nice espresso coffee.
The miracle is when it's used,
It changes sap to toffee.

It helps to cool down ganja smoke,
A delight to every Rasta.
Fit it in your carburetter,
Your car will go much faster.

It also stops you speaking sh*te
In company or writing.
Each stupid word is choked away,
And mmmm mmmm mmm mmmm mm.

Today's my birthday (Hip! Hooray!)
I've just turned one year older.
Ma Nature called me for to say,
"Today I'm making colder."

Happy Birthday, dear Paul.
I hope you will have a ball.
And perhaps go to the shopping mall.
To see pictures of Darth Maul.
Painted by the artist called Raul.
With Star Wars market stalls.
And perhaps even a display of baseball.
With famous stars, that will enthrall.
Even a confrontation of Jedi and Sith.
Which is part of the Star Wars myth.
That will end up in a drunken sprawl.

Happy Birthday to you, with joy that you imbue.
Philosophy and words of wisdom that you construe.
As you drink the finest ale and home brews.
Whilst a watching a comedian, who is a kangaroo.
At the local bar, where he tells jokes from a canoe.
Along with the motley crew from deepest Peru.
Who have all formed a queue to throw their shoes.
At snooker cues, with lots of ballyhoo.
May your day, be a happy and a memoriable one.
With lots of fun in the sun and perhaps a few sticky buns.

I thank my lucky stars every day,
Since I found out about Germicide Spray.
I carry it with me wherever I go,
In 10-gallon spray cans (I never run low).

I spray it in front of me, also behind.
Some people get angry. I pay them no mind.
With swine flu and bird flu all running amok,
I use it for health. It will help me, with luck!

I feel bad for sick people, really, I do,
But I am just glad that there's no Rabbit Flu.

Pickle your knees with sunshine
Never let it get too hot for tea
A raven! A raven! A raven!
Get away way from me immediately!

Stickle your shoes with blue glue
So that you can slide along the ground
An orange, beer, and a tickle drum may help you
When you're busy hiding upside down

Mickle your purse at mealtimes
Make sure you're not tripping, drunk or stoned
When software underpants in real time
Make you wee and put you in a Home

Sing a sad song for sixpence
Make sure that the path is green and hilly
Don't forget that pigs need incense
When you send them out to Pickledilly
To buy some bold delicious picklelilly
Cos down the silly house you're pickled silly.

C stands for Sea
B stands for Bee
T stands for Tree
and E stands for mE !

With a few nickles, I can buy a jar of pickels.
Sold from the ickle stickle who trickles out mickles.
For the hogs who jog in the fog with frogs.
Wearing clogs that have been brought from Prague.
That ended up in the peat bog , having a snog.