h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What goes in one end as grit
Comes out the other end--think of it!

bird sh

They come through the faucets at night,
These bright purple blobs. They would be quite a sight
Were we there to observe them, not sleeping in bed.
They plop to the floor. Through the hallways they thread.

By the fireplace, those crayons that melted they crave.
They like plastic wrappers--that's something they save.
They gorge on the dust bunnies, gobble lost socks,
Dine on stale cookies and then eat the box.

They don't like detection; they flee with the dawn.
We don't know they've come until after they've gone.
What clue do they give us to show they were here?
The house is just cleaner. It really seems queer!

The gorbled squark of Flemish square,
Was hardly, almost never, there.
Rarely seen, not spoken of,
He tied his lace in a quandrous knot.
And then he'd lie all day in bed,
Droobling over what was not said,
He spent his time in long ommisions,
And hid in spaces of unknown visions,
Bevoiding what he did not knot,
And rearranging that anonymous spot,
No-one knew that he existed,
But the Ruling Powers had him listed.

for a special bit of clever -115. Sorry, don't come here often, only in the mashing x mating season.

Jabs

Thank you Dear

Oi you freaks, you are nothing but a lot of nerdy geeks.
That emit odours of butttered leeks when you speak in Ancient Greek.
You think you are very chic in your spandex suits.
With your tight fitting clothes and your leather boots.
Gok Wan is your favourite designer, with his mutant powers.
As he walks he showers flowers and greatly empowers.
He makes people feel confident as he makes them look sleek.
Then later on you sit with Stan Lee, showing him your techniques.
Asking him to write about you and your extordinary physique.

That's me!

I'm a fandex
Of tight Spandex,
And Leather boots
Are the Roots!
Ole Gok Wan
Is my man!
You should see me walking down the street
Waving and greeting the people I meet
Who all for some reason have just crossed the street!



[Bert the Beak, the Geek, th'Oblique Antique, the Flyin' Streak, the low-ridin' Freak]

On a hot July day, as some have revealed,
They went for a picnic, out in the field,
All nine of the members, the Virgins' Society,
Plus seven chaperones, there for propriety.

Just as they'd eaten their sandwich confections,
The winds started blowing in different directions,
Bringing great stormclouds at awesome velocity.
Rain was soon pelting them with great ferocity.

They packed up their lunches and sprinted for cover,
But storm clouds around them continued to hover.
At last. with a crack that was sickening to hear.
Nine lightning bolts hit them. They fainted with fear.

But no one was killed, and the storm quickly passed.
They safely got home, and breathed easy at last.
The following April, each virgin gave birth.
The townsfolk reacted with scorn and with mirth.

Their club they disbanded, and suitably clad,
They climbed the great mountain in search of the dad
Whose lightning bolts hit them last year in July.
They knew 'twas a longshot, but still they must try!

And when at long last they had climbed to the peak,
Above them a great voice was starting to speak:
"Just call me ElectroDad. Give me your tots.
They shall be sages. I'll give them great thoughts.

When people need gurus, they shall be here.
My minions will sell them some great climbing gear.
We'll make some great profits. This need not seem odd,
'Cause everyone knows, no one's richer than God."

Bob has lost his key fob.
And now he has started to sob.
So he comforts himself with a corn cob.
Whilst talking to Rob about his new job.
As he bit into the corn cob, he finds his fob.
He shouts an hurrah and lobs it to Rob.
Who catches it and cleans with some swabs.

Cob in his gob,
And Bob in the mob,
He did sob,He did sob,
Until Rob did the job,
Friend Rob was a nob,
But a blob, and a snob,
And a glob and a slob,
He did rob his mate Bob,

But they married at Gretna Green,
And ran away for a honeyed moon,
Very, very, very, soon.
They ate Camembert and pears,
And crooned when it was June.
And they crushed pomegranites,
By bouncing on them on a trampoline.

With a life so exotic,
They almost forgot it.

Once there was a thread
On a website called HooToo.
It really had no head
Indeed, very silly too!
But it was popular,
The eleventh best!
It is a good laugh,
That and all the rest.

Ned is ahead of Fred.
Who he met when making bread.
Then fled to get eloped in his shed.
But Fred said no and married a sled instead.
Went on their honeymoon at an earmarked lake bed.
Shredding their clothes as they argued with Jed the axe head.
This made onlookers laugh and point out to a waliking graph.
Drawn by giraffe and a calf with a staff and a belly laugh.
Where they both paid time and a half as they shouted out naff.
It all happened in the first half and then the last half.
What a strange story and it was quite gory as they ate their John Dory .

I stand here at the gate
With a melon in my hand,
And Catherine the Great
Plays a tuba in the band.

Mozart irons shirts,
And Groucho bakes a pie.
This dream I'm having hurts.
It's a wonder I don't cry.

There is a mouse that lives in a house.
Along with a grouse that is always on the rouse.
Pouring wine over each other as they douse.
And every day they like to listen to Strauss.
Wearing frilly pink sequinned, embroidered blouses.
Along with their bell bottom, purple shiny trousers.
As they dance the 4 minute waltz in their greenhouse.
Finishing off at the beerhouse shouting vamouse.

Jenny the Aklcoeholic - or Fiddling While Burns Roams - Rabbi Burns


1.
O Jenny has a sweet, pour body,
Jenny's seldom dry:
She draigl't a' her petticoatie,
Knockin back the rye!
2.
Comin thro' the rye, pour body,
Comin thro' the rye,
She draigl't a' her petticoatie,
Knockin back the rye
3.
Gin and vodka meet a body
Comin thro' the rye,
Gin a body kiss a body,
Bloody depends where

4.
Gin a body meet a body
Comin thro' the grain,
Gin a body kiss a body, (where - all over? In bed? Oan the lips? At the wee station in Edinburger? Why are you bloody asking me again?)
I've had enough of this bloody thing.

Dogs like to bark at larks.
And other time bark at a wooden ark.
Especially when they are in the park.
Being chased by sharks that spark.
Then the dogs make strange remarks.
About eating chocolate that is very dark.
As they get into their luxurious merc.
They start to smerk as they walk into the marque.
With their imaginary friends who all called Clarke.
Ending up on a slow long journey on a ship which they embark.
To find themselves at an isolated indusrail park.
Where people called Mark talk about living in Denmark.
They bark everytime they listen to the music of Bach.
Finishing off with the guest speaker who is an aadvark.
Drinking advocat, whilst singing to a drunk boshvark.

Dave lives in a cave and is very brave.
He likes to have a rave when he is having a shave.
Where he goes to the dancers and gives them a wave.
As he goes out into the garden and starts to pave.
Where he goes to the pond and has a lave.
And talks to a man called Gambit who dresses as a knave.
Who is joined from the mutants from Luton for their conclave.
To discuss ways of learning to become very well behaved.
When they ever have brain waves about waving their hair.
Filled with despair at the thought of sitting in a chair.
Getting their hair cut, by the hairdresser called Pierre.
Who charges a lot and is full of flair, that no-one can compare.
Dave said to the mutants lets all go rootin' in Luton.
To buy some gluten that will make us go tootin' with Newton.
And perhaps bump into a mad scientist that is a confutant.
Who loves to experiment and give people superhuman powers.
That make them tower over others as they begin to flower.
As they evolve by the hour, rising up the tower while others glower.

When I was six, a secret dark
About my Mom I learned:
At sundown she'd become a toad.
This made me quite concerned.

She'd kept it hidden through the years,
To spare me from great fright.
The lighting in her bedroom
Was kept blazing through the night.

But then one day, Dad was away.
A power outage came.
At dark, a most enormous toad
My mother dear became.