h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(From Binkley Fleabag's tales of the alternative universe in which the Native American tribes of North America were more advanced than the Europeans in the 15th and 16th centuries, developing electricity before Cahucer learned to write poetry. They would pray to their gods for help fixing their computers.)

Galoombator, oh hear our prayer.
We're praying on the golden stair.
We know you like your hamburg rare.

Our main computer's virus-prone.
It crashed this morning. We can't phone
The tech support. It's you alone

Can help us now. So, we beseech
By all that's holy in your reach,
Please fix it now. This ends our speech.

I will go far in my car to the wine bar.
Where I will sing and become a star.
Playing my guitar as I have a jar.
Singing about shopping at Spars.
That get their goods from the planet Mars.
Hour, by hour, it gets quite bizarre.
As I start to spar with some pickled jars.
Who think that they are czars that smoke cigars.
That have come from a far to mar and tar.
As my neighbour laughs as she gives her daffs a bath.
And then sits down and does some maths on the path.
Who is being greeted by tourists from Myanmar.
That have come from afar for a bargain at the bazaar.

Victor creed is full of reeds.
And is always in need of a lead.
Which he takes to get pumpkin seeds.
As he exceeds the maximum speed.
For walking and talking to dill weed.
As he goes and ditches his suedes.
Meeting the one and only James Howlett.
Who keeps a number of furry pets.
That makes him fret about Brett.
Who is his imaginery friend and silhouette.
Making him forget about the threat from the vet.
Who says he will take away Jame's jet.
That makes him sweat when he puts on a bet.
So he goes to the hairdressers and has perm and a set.

Onky Ponko, six tons of gorgeous pachyderm,
In funny circus colors, yet firm and fit.
Nat and Zelda laugh, their children squirm,
And Onky Ponko on Zelda decides to sit.

Never cast a clout until May is oot.
Keep your coat and your best suit.
As you take a salute as yout toot.
On you horn in your car, being cute.
Eating 5 fruits, which you got from the boot.
Along with your passenger, the happy newt.
Who comes from Newton Stewart, and plays the lute.
Stopping for a minute and practising to be asute.
On the way to Stranraer, on the weirdest route.
Using the lute as a gun, as you begin to shoot.
For flying boots and bamboo shoots as you dilute.
Your freshly made orange squash, that makes you want to commute.
To the nearest town in Beirut, which is on the bus route.
Stopping off and pretending to be King Canute as you fall down the chute.

I saw a kangaroo try to make rou.
It was in the kitchen drinking castle brew.
Along with the crew who are all stuck together with glue.
Then a cop came and arrested the kangaroo.
As well as the crew for kidnapping Winnie the Pooh.
They said they were innocent as they were making stew.
And their friend Sue was with them, along with Hugh.
So, they were released and were given copper screws and some chews.

Zelda objects when Onky Ponko sits.
Her loud bellow makes him stand right up,
A rueful sorry elephant who's scared to bits.
Onky and humans go off somewhere to sup.

Kipper on the floor, kipper on the floor.
Covered from flour taken from the drawer.
Widdle waddle, jelly on the whip.
It's quite hip, to go and skip.
So let's be cool and to go to school.
And go with the mule and play pool.
Widdle waadle, jelly on the whip.
Flip a coin to go n a ship, to have a dip.
Widdle waadle, jelly on the whip.

The Pilka Pelka Beast ate Mrs. Lorga five times today.
(She wasn't hurt, of course, because he spit her out right away.)
He always forgets that she isn't a permissible food,
And she doesn't notice being eaten because she's not in the mood.

I like to grunt as I punt.
On the river, pretending to be a chestnut.
Doing elaborate acrobatic stunts.
As part of the hunt for eccentric viscoonts.
That spent most of their time on the home front.
Having vaunt jaunts that make them miscount.
As they flaunt at the fountains, giving out discounts.
For their aunts who taunt catamounts with recounts.

I thought I'd cut the grass today,
But wished there was an easier way.
And so I dug beneath the ground,
Until each single root I'd found.
Now I never have to sigh,
Whenever grass grows up too high.
No problem, I just smile and shrug.
And give each root a mighty tug.

WISHY AND WASHY


Little Wishy said to Washy
Let's go get some lemon squashy
If you don't come, I'll get bossy,
Bash your head and make it squashy
Washy said to Little Wishy
You've gone funny, sort of squishy
Strange and odd, O Little Wishy

Much better that you go and see
Dr-Suchee-Madhusudan, endocrinology
For whom I make no apology
Saw him on the Internet, probably lousy,
Fix you up for quite a large fee
I'll be at home with my favourite dishy
Chips, with a little codling fishy.

I was bobbing along on a crest of a wave.
Waiving to brave the dave, who had a shave.
Where is your cave that you have your lave?
It is down the nave, with the conclave.

Jumping along, he went to save the drunk knave.
Who was having his flat engraved, during the rave.
He said hello to Bob, who was having a good old sob.
Telling Dave, how he lost his fob visiting Bob.

Oh tell me Rob, how did you lose your fob.
I was eating corn of the con with Rob.
When there was mob who loved to lob.
Throwings pats of butter at their broccoli raab.

Then they saw me, full of glee.
As I was drinking a cup of tea.
On my knees with my pet fleas.
So they took my fob, and my keys.
And made me sing like a banshee.

So, I talked to the mob.
As they started to throb.
Crying at the thought of losing their fob.
That helped do a brilliant job.
But soon relented as they left their tents.
To join the rave with Dave, as they demobbed.

I sat on my porch And gazed at the moon,
And what did I see? A man on prune!

A very large prune, as I recall,
With pink rhinestone saddle. The man was tall,
With ten gallon hat and purple suspenders.
His arms were full of toasters and blenders.

Was this some new helper for Santa, I mused?
He never returned, so now I'm confused.

I am a pop artist, and I chew gum when I sing.
And it's my thing to wear lots of bling.
As I sit on the swing and fling my ring.
Clinging onto my wings that make me go zing.
Waiting in a que to sit down in the pews.
To have a view of the zoo built using glue.

Chorus
Coo coo, the noddy noo, coo coo.
Join the sunny crew with a pint of brew.
Boo boo, the noddy noo, boo boo.
Play snooker, with the best of cues.
Coo coo, the noddy noo, coo coo.
Wear odd shoes as you play the blues.
Boo boo, the noddy noo, boo boo.

I am wearing designer clothes.
Specially chosen by Gok Wan.
Who always has a plan, for his fans.
Dresses people elegantly to become swans.
Full of fancy bows and roses.
Bright coloours that glows.

I read 174, my heart leaps in song,
But I can't help wondering
What Fluffy's on!

They asked me how I knew.
If this sky is still blue.
Oh, I of course replied.
I have not got a clue.

They said someday you'll find.
Multi-cloured venetian blinds.
All who are refined are behind.
Oh, when your cheese rind is on the wire.
Go up to the spire, playing on the lyre.
You must realise, how to idolise.
When dust gets into your mutton pies.

So I laughed at them as I did my draft.
To think they could doubt my craft.
Yet today my cheese rind has gone astray.
To Grays in a cache, wearing a toupee.
I am without my cheese rind, and my buffet.

Now graphing friends cried as they sighed.
Bears I can not preside with my asides.
Oh, so I dial and pray for clay.
When a friendly frame flies.
Dust gets in your mutton pies.
Dust gets in your mutton pies.

Goat," I said, "We have to talk.
It just cannot go on like this.
Each time that I go for a walk,
You go online and find your bliss,

Rewriting all the stuff I've written,
Giving people sage advice,
Counseling the newly smitten,
Urging gamblers to think twice.

Doing good deeds willy nilly!
You're supposed to just be silly.

Dr. Suchee Madhusudan, MD
Not a man, but a madam
If you want your endo crinologised
She's the girl to make you wise
And if you want your metabolism checked
This woman from Staten Island's a good bet
Oh lovely Dr. Suchee Madhusudan, MD
I think I'm in love with you
In spite of my mistake in Post 172
You must be cool, and good, and true
For you live and/or work on Bard Avenue
Please forgive my previous gender assignation
And quell your righteous indignation,
For, Dr. Suchee Madhusudan MD,
I'm crazy about you. Won't you marry me?

I am bored with my sword.
And I will replace it with a board.
Then lie down on the sward.
Day-dreaming about striking the right chord.
As I cross the wide and open ford.
Then getting floored by the horde.
Who want all my 70's records.
So I ignored them and gave them my award.