h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Valerie Knickersoff
Went to the Kremlin with her knickers off
And came home with a bad cough.
She should have been like Ivan Knickerson
And kept her knickers on.

By the way, he's a great friend of Ivan Abscessontheendofmynose
Who once gave Commodore Snitchnitch a bloody nose
But the Commodore didn't know where the nose should go
- In the end it was the sideboard that he chose,
Snuggled well in,
Overlooking the Forgotten Tomb of Lenin.

Workers of the World Unite!
You have nothing to lose but your house
And all your savings.

And your job, of course.

The pancakes went to war with the French toast,
Because the toast had been known to boast
That they stood tall while the pancakes fell flat.
The pancakes saw red, that was all there was to that.

They couldn't have picked a worse time to begin,
For all the family members were pouring in,
Hungry for breakfast. They soon decimated
Both warring sides at a rate unabated.

At last, there was one pancake and one French toast slice,
And after that they had to treat each other nice....

They tell me to take a chill pill,
hut I'd rather eat a chocolate brazil.
As I listen to the rumour mill,
where people spill the beans.
And come clean about the Queen of mean.

The virtual forest is leafy and green.
I wish I could say that I am its queen,
But what kind of queen could I possibly be?
I am not familiar with many a tree.

The Geome-tree is confusing at best.
The symme-tree's something that just will not rest.
The optome-tree's lenses make things seem small,
And trigonome-tree is the worst tree of all.

I think that I shall never see
A thing more stingy than a bee
A wasp is stingy too, 'tis true
But one hasn't stung me for a decade or two.

The thing about bees is they are so bumbly
They're clever too, so treat them humbly
For bees are important, bees are the most
Important thing, from coast to coast.

The bumble bee is a furry chap
That needs respect - now remember that.
He might look like a friendly sort of thing
But he isn't friendly when he decides to sting

So beware the humble bumble bee
Let him roam free, don't eat him for tea
And whatever you do, I would ask you to never
Squash him. No please don't do it. Ever.

The frankybird is seldom heard
To scuff his feet or to be absurd
And frankly I would trust him to
Lick your boots and make your stew
The sweetest song you ever heard
Will not come from the frankybird
This cock is not a singing bloke
And yet he makes a lovely croak
You cannot learn this from a book
You need six lessons from a rook
Five from a crow, four from a raven
An three from a old bird in Newhaven.
Who caught a midnight ferry to Dieppe
She's a dodgy old coot so watch your step.

The lambs they say baa
The dogs growl a woof
I keep some bits in a jar
With a ball of dust fluff
My teacher was a nincompoop
He said that I was thick
He would always make me stoop
Too hit me with his stick
So why do the bees say buzz?
In suits of yellow'n'black
Is it simply just because
It's to save 'em from attack?

Why is it that the rhinos?
Where do the hippos, too?
When will the giraffe's nose?
And who is the kangaroo?

These are important things in life
That I hope to answer soon
I suppose I'd better ask the wife
When she's finished with the spoon

'Though I expect she will say to me
In words so white and brown
I will tell you a question shortly, you see.
When I've got the bus to town.

So meanwhile, where do giraffe's nose?
And why is the kangaroo?
And, please, when will that rhino?
And who is the hippo, too?

Space is the final frontier.
Too big to explore, that is clear.
As the best compromise,
I feel 'twould be wise
To explore the space from ear to ear.

How now brune coo
Don't tell me what to do
You poo and you moo
I know all about you.

A non thinker who began to fret
Went to his barber so's to get
A bald spot cut in
Where his hair was thin
For a sign reading "space to let"

I have a rubbish bin that likes to grin,
as the thought of drinking pints of gin.
The bin knows it's a sin, but likes to win
at drinking matches with the violin.
Has dreams of travelling to Berlin,
with a chimp that is made of out tin.

The sandyback Tamworth pig
Just got up and done a jig
Now's popped out for a cig
Unless it was 'er in a wig
'cus it was extremely big
As it passed it gave a dig
Me though I don't give a fig
I'm getting paid for this gig.

I used to get paid to come here
BUt I'd have to be wearing a hood
You see, I was terrible, I fear
I just hung there like a huge piece of wood

But now they don't pay me at all
Which makes me feel better you see
Cos I do my handstands in the hall
Where there's no one at all to see me

Ten times the terrible terrapin
Snapped at the angelic seraphim
Till a nasty smell
Came out of his shell
Came from angel dust mixed with paraffin

When he heard the village church bell
He nearly jumped out of his shell
His cold blooded fear
Of things holy, we hear
Was the cause of the horrible smell.

Then in came the vicar's daughter
She sprinkled him with holy water
Then murmured a prayer
He begged with despair
For more holy wine, or some porter.

We are His Majesty's chickens.
There's none in the kingdom that ever could beat us.
Long life to the King! We are loyal because
We know he has promised he never will eat us.

So you think there are no more owls and such;
No more pussy my pussy my love;
No more dragons to slay, no more double dutch;
At the end of the borogrove.
Do you imagine that slithy toves
No longer slither and slithe?
Well in every child's imagination
Such creatures are surely alive>
When the little grey cells stop connecting
You can carry me off in a box.
But you'd better watch out next Saturday
The day of the silver fox;
The year of the pig, the month of the dragon;
The hour of sheer delight.
Tis the time for the Nurdles and Spingebuckets all
To have their annual fight.
Most of us love the taste of blood
And will bite you if you look away.
If it doesn't rain, and there isn't a flood
Be there on Saturday.