h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

At Elsinore, the ghosts do roam.
For centuries it's been their home.
They chat about their awful luck,
Discussing why things ran amock.

We can fight with flyers.
But when we start making tyres.
We get ever so slow,
as we go with the flow.
Trying to do yoga and getting into a knot.
Falling over as we trying to sit down and squat.
But what is yoga without togas,
and glasses of wine from Saratoga.
Which makes us want to do the conga.

I'm going in to see Bill,
for thrills and spills.
Drinking port, which makes us shrill.
As we spill it, trying to keep still.
We know the drill for eating krill,
which is to twill the shrimps and get our fill.
Then we relax and chill out, to Bill with his drill.
As we dine on the very best food from the grill.
Finishing off with chocolate Brazils.

I put my feet up, drinking a glass of wine.
Thinking, will the meal be ready for you to start the mine.
If you learn a new song, and play with the gong.
That goes dong when you have become so very strong.
So much, you want to have a chat with the sharks,
that make funny remarks about Karl Marx.
How far can you send aloe vera lotions?
Over ocean for their promotions,
where they are sold in exchange for magic potions.

Let's go to far in the car,
for a jar at the bar.
Then go and shop at Spars,
a store that sells chest of drawers.
I hope that we will lore scores of rapport.
As we go to the sea shore, and have a good snore.
We can eat brie in the sea,
And then flee to the cree and have tea.

The Frimians hide in our cupboards,
And in our breadboxes, too,
And when a Frimian loses his balance,
He may fall into our stew.

Now, Frimian stew often tastes good
(You needn't be worried 'bout that),
But your weight may go up (yes, it could!),
And we don't want to see you get fat.

So, if any fat Frimians you spy, we say:
Send them packing right away!

It was nothing but a very quick Sphinx,
who won the race and beat the the lynx.
Thinking and winking, as they had their drinks.
Which put them out of synx with their cufflinks.

Nobody knows why the wind blows,
or where it goes as it, when it reposes.
Gone are the days, when rows of roses are all out on show
now its the elephant and me, all aglow.

So let's bow low as we jive with our bro.
Who is called Mo the crow, who is quite the pro.
With his bow and arrow, going with the flow,
as he shouts whoa to friends and foes.

I pondered slowly with head bowed
Then smote my thighs and took a pill
And all at once I laughed out loud
And danced upon the window sill
Then read some Blake and ate some cheese
Buttering the toast with practised ease.

Gammon there with Camembert
Salmon there with grizzly bear
Lamentable love affair
Gone forever, never there.

I was told as a boy by Brigitte Bardot
And I've never been there so how would I know
That in France they have a saying that the pen of my aunt
Is in the room of dining, probably a plant
Because it is with the gardener, and I know it's true
And will you walk with me this evening? Good for you!

"Ladies," said the butler, "here's the master's favorite wine.
It's aged so long, it may well taste a bit like turpentine."
The ladies each took little sips, and grimaced just a bit,
Then turned to frogs and hurried to their chairs, where they did sit.
"I should have warned you," said the Butler, "sometimes it's so strong,
It turns some people into frogs. You won't be that way long..."

The mathematical genius known as Charles Babbage
Made his first calculator with a carrot and a cabbage
It could add and subtract, it could do square roots
It could prepare diced vegetables and polish your boots.
It could predict the Lotto and the football pools.
The developers lost the plans, those silly old fools!

The water's surface shimmers as she carefully disrobes.
The alien ships are hov'ring near, unseen.
They're sent from some far planet, expeditionary probes,
And they are sure that she should be their queen.

She dives into the water, but a tractor beam intrudes.
She finds herself within the mother ship.
She's naked, but that's not a problem. They are hardly prudes.
"All right!" she says. "Pecan or chocolate chip?"

They have no inkling what she means, though English they can speak.
"All right," she sighs, concluding they are rookies.
"I'm raising money for my church. I'll sell to any freak,
And since you're here, you'll have to buy my cookies."

They buy six hundred thousand boxes, thinking them sublime.
They're something that their planet will adore.
They gently drop her in the lake, and say "Until next time,"
Then leave, but she knows they'll be back for more.

I'm an alien seeking fun
May I please try a pecan bun?
Chocolate chip cakes, to my taste sour,
Need a little more sausage and a bit less flour.

Gotta make a bet, on my pet learning to knit.
Gotta go in my jet, in my pe kit.
Gotta do keep-fit, that makes me sweat.

Loom, loom, loom, goes the net.
Boom, boom, boom, goes the vet.
Room, room, room, goes the pit.
Zoom, zoom, zoom, goes the jet.

Yo, I got that hit that beat the rock.
When jazz is played, it overloads the clock.
I got the that chock and sole.
That future is my computer console.

That coastal fine wit.
Next to the conventual sandpit.
I got that zoom zoom crow.
How to complete the concrete street, zoom zoom crow.

I like to rock around the clock down the ailse.
Then full of guile, I go and sing in the isle.
They smile as I play my lyle, as I am very verstaile.
I'm on that next bit now, walking a mile down the nile.

If a dromedary seems to be a little bit of a grump
Well, it may be, the desert you see, and the fact that he's only one hump.
Now that beautiful smile, down by the Nile, that the Sphinx displays in the sand.
We believe hast a tincture of pain, 'cause his sphincter is gone, it's well known in the land
Of Egyptian mummies that those that suck dummies are inclined to show their content
By wedding with those wearing Bedouin clothes, who eat goats and who live in a tent.

I like to go the seaside in the morning,
to go coming with a warning.
With Evan and Estefan,
to go to Devon to make loafs of leaven.
Where I will be in seventh Heaven, staying at the Woodhaven.
Being the lottery winner at dinner,
dancing with the spinner.
And when it's time for bed,
I go to bed, I will be laughing in my luxurious garden shed.
With my bed spread, and a loaf of bread.

Oh I wonder why it is that
My dog has just eaten my tabby cat
All Tiddles did was scratch him a bit
But for dear old Rover, well, that was it.
He upped and pounced - there's no other word
He pounced like a cat. He did look absurd
For at the time he was wearing his thing
You know, the cone that's supposed to deter him
From biting himself where he's red and sore
From fighting last week with the cat next door.
I suppose he could be said to be 'hard'
But I really can't keep him out in the yard
Not in winter, at least, when it's frosty and cold
I mean he's no spring chicken - he's getting quite old.
And when he dug his teeth into Tiddles
I wasn't surprised to see that he'd piddled
All over the floor - well he's incontinent
Now we're off to the vet - is that money well spent?
For Tiddles the vet can't do a thing
And for murdering the cat,
The dog's gonna swing.

What sort of man in the Taliban would blow up the Buddhas? reflect if you can.
What sort of man, would send shock and awe? would torture and more? I ask you to score.

Nice, brief, powerful, Frank.


Jabs

When your life's a mess
And a little dog named Bess
Has slobered on your dress
You will fail to impress
But if you confess
No one'll love you less
But as you digress
I'll make an educated guess
That old Eliot Ness
'll leave you liquorless
In complete distress
After such duress
You must undress
And be plain knickless

And be plain knickerless