h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Once upon a rainbow
Did an eye espy
Such a perfect bow
Spanning the sky
No pot of gold
Is waiting at the end
Tis but a stream of light
Such a beauteous bend

I went to the market to buy a cat
There wasn't one there so I bought a rat
When I got it home I called it Pat
Then the rat got too fat
I thought I'd get rid of it,spppllllaaaaatttttt!
That was the end of the rat that was that
Now I feel such a complete pratt
As I cleaning up its mess off my mat.

I had a rat, a friendly little chap
He loved to be with me, to sit on my lap,
To crawl all around me and sit on my head
I lost a friend on the day he was found dead.
A rat and a man cannot be friends for long
Their time is so short, but the memory is long
One of God's creatures in touch with another
Briefly reminding me why I should bother.

I used to have a pet mouse.
I gave him the run of the house.

I once had a little pet owl.
He died. It was murder most foul.

[Let me try that again]

I once had a little pet owl.
He died. It was murder most fowl

I once had a pet chicken
I fed it really well
Now I'm all finger lickin'
As it tasted really swell

It's not fair, you won''t take me to the fun fayre,
and let me bring with me my homemade ice cream.
Because you know you cannot make homemade ice cream,
that tastes like a dream.
It's not fair, when you won't share your pears,
or let me have a ride on your mare.
You're really mean, when you go a funny green.
You're really mean, when you drink too much caffeine.
It's not fair, when you pretend to be a serene royal marine.
And then go and pretend you enjoy watching Mr Bean.
It's not fair, when you won't let me sit on the chair,
as you go off to the get candy floss from the machine.
It's not fair, you won't allow my friend the bear come into the house.
Nor the field mouse who espouses the right to wear pink blouses.

I once had a pet wife,
The wildest animal in my life.

We once had a wee pet boy,
Treated him just like a toy.
Dressed him, wheeled him in a pram,
Then built him up with strawberry jam.

Then another boy joined the game,
And we treated him just the same.
Two was like a double whammy,
Very boylike, and very jammy.

I'm off to sail on Moonlight Bay:
Three rows of oarsmen, you, and me.
We watch the sunset end the day,
Then go below for bedded spree.

If it's a sexy video?
Then tape it
But don't throw your fist on the bed
'n' rape it

The ship we sailed in was a barge,
Not costly when we rented.
The folks before us were quite large,
And left the mattress dented.

This was the day that I thought I was clever.
When I saw Trevor who was foerver saying whatever.
Switching the foot lever and proclaiming to be an achiever,
at driving forumla 1 cars at high speed;
so that he will succeed at racing and procede to beat Aristide.
Who is one of the favoured drivers, and thinks that he's very cool.
Aristide has a swimming pool which is encrusted with jewels.
So it was quite a tall order when Trevor beat Aristide on duel fuel.
That he developed for his car to give him extra vavoom and speed.
Which is what he needs to be Aristride, to help him take the lead.

Let's go down the way to the Rio Grande, to join in the brass band.
At the Mardi Gras with lots of style that will go hand in hand.
With a drink in our hands, we'll go the band stand and take the command.
As we accrue a merry band of fans, that are imbued with tattooes.
Walking along handing out tolieteries, that includes shampoo.
And then giving people make-overs, to help people become anew.
Then changing their wardrobes a well as a new pair of shoes.
Taking their lead from the fashion Guru Gok Wan, with assertiveness he will bless.
Who has a plan to make everyone dress their best for less, and take out the stress.

The light fantastic let us trip.
Will Cupid come to meet us?
It seems he's on another ship
Must chastity defeat us?

I tried to get you,
On a slow boat to China;
Got as far as Bangkok;
You said, "Look at the clock!"
Took off your frock;
Put on a smock;
And painted the sunset.
Just as I was getting started,
You left me, broken hearted.

Round and round go the bliddy great cars.
With a roar that sounds like it is coming from Mars.
With men in the driving seat it cannot be Venus.
The big bonnet in front is what comes in between us.
When he takes off his trousers, well you should have seen us.
So difficult to avoid rhyming with such a big (I mean us)

It can't have been us!

It certainly wasn't me!