h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Apples red and juicy on my neighbor's tree did grow.
I plucked one, but the fruit -- unlucky me! -- was curs'd.
Visions dark dark and loathsome, worse than any found in Poe
Before my weary eyes in squadrons burst.

Repentant then the apple did I bake into a tart,
And brought it to my neighbor, who did eat.
My visions dark did vanish. On that day I made a start
At learning all temptation to defeat

A is for apple and for angle.
B is for banana and for ballad.
C is for citrus and for chapel.
D is for danger and for Dad.
E is for endeavour and for evermore
F is for fortune and for flip.
G is for goal and for gore.
H is for hope and for hip.

The alphabet, the alphabet,
The strangest invention I've heard of yet.
Twenty-six letters, some rarely used.
Let's make our little ones grow up confused!

A, e, i, o, u, are the letters of the vowels
and y was as a vowel in the middle ages.
I remember this when laundering my towels
or when cleaning out my canaries 8 ft cages.

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with B"
The child slowly turned about and fixed his gaze on me.
"Butter, Banana, bazooka, bradawl, bat, behind!"
I was rattling off everything that came into my mind
"None of those, keep going. You're bound to get it yet."
"Bingo, buttons, barnacles, bungalow, badger, bet!"
"You're in the wrong domain to keep your chance alive,
"You should be thinking of queen bees, the answer is a HIVE!

Have you ever seen a fly on the wall that looks very small?
Have you ever seen a spider in the pub drinking a pint of cider?
Have you ever seen a bat playing with a cricket ball in the shopping mall?
Have you ever seen a dispatch rider working at the Hadron Collider?

Dave has made a big football save
when playing as the village club's goal keeper.
He was helped by a deck of card's knave
who worked as a council road sweeper.

I disappointed that we did not get a good hard frost
because last night's sky was completely clouded over.
I wish that we will get lots of snow and that it will last
longer than it did last year when I was visiting Dover.

A monstrous storm will hit us tomorrow,
Winds and rain and pain and sorrow.

Come and join me on the magic bus
where we'll have lots of adventures.
I promise that I won't cause too much fuss
if you have to stop to get your dentures.

My dentures have minds of their own.
Corn on the cob makes them groan.
An apple a day,
They'd soon run away.
I won't even try mutton bone.

You are entering the bizarre twilight zone
where everything is over-the-top and surreal.
Everyone who goes there ends up with a clone
and with a craving for jellied eels that are rolled in oatmeal.

Jellied eels, jellied eels,
See them dance Virginia reels.

Eating sherbert pie will you make you feel that you can fly
whenever your on the prowl for your long lost hand towel.
But eating french fries will you make you act on the sly
when dressing up as a Jedi Knight wearing a monk's cowl.

A Jedi priest fell into the yeast.
A mage turned him into a wildebeest.

Tonight's is going to be a good night
for a scrumptious feast with a hairy beast.
Tonight's is going to be good for a fight
with folk who's superpowers have greatly increased.

I love tales with magic realism.
Just don't give me angst and nihilism.

I had a dream that I went away to take part in a cabaret.
I danced and swayed to the rhythm of the music that filled my ears.
I jiggled to the left and jiggled to the right in front of members of the Fey
as I danced to the songs of Kylie Minogue and Brittney Spears.

I love tails when heads are called
And when it rains i'm often bored
But best of all i love to write
Old words in a peculiar new order!

Join with me to the park grandstand
as it will fill my little world right up.
Join with me to the Middle Earth Land
ti live with the hobbits with my dear labrador pup.