h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Come on Ron and Don and let's all have another prawn.
Come on Ron and Don and let's all go with the flow.
Come on Ron and Don and let's all have a good old yawn.
Come on Ron and Don and go and shout whoa to the crow called Joe.
Come on Ron and Don and become friends with Saint John.
Come on Ron and Don and let's all make the best sour bread dough.
Come on Ron and Don and let's all go and sunbathe on the garden lawn.
Come on Ron and Don and go and put on a big sci-fi fantasy show.
Come on Ron and Don and let's invite the talking fawn and swan.
Come on Ron and Don and let's go and do a sponsored mow a meadow.
Come on Ron and Don and let's go and visit the health and beauty salon.

Just me and the darkness.
That's all there was.
A furious groping along the walls.
Stumbling, tripping over unseen obstacles.
I grasped the edge of the fishtank,
Careful not to overturn it --
The fish would have complained otherwise.
"Why don't you turn on the light?"
Said a voice out of the darkness.
I reached for the light switch.
My parrot, my beautiful, wise parrot,
Said, "Thank you" and went back to sleep.....

Have you ever fallen in love with someone called Ron?
Have you ever met a chess playing fawn called Shawn?
Have you ever met a collared dove who wears a tiny silk glove
on one of it's feet as it flies over the grove proclaiming it's love
to anyone who will listen and their support for their favourite football team?
And then fly over the waterfall and the flowing stream
as it over hears humans talking about cooking bream in cream.

Have you ever tried to be clever by outdoing your friend Trevor
who's always going on about his latest endeavour
which is to become more like Sheldon Cooper who can be very eccentric
when trying to meditate like Spock with the use of only one joss stick?
Have you ever gathered heather when wearing black leather
clothes and testing the weather by the use of a divining feather?
Have you ever lost your the end of your tether when at a get together?

Have you got the time to wine and dine down the river Tyne?
Have you got the time to grow your own Rosemary and Thyme?
Have you ever climbed up a spruce pine when waiting for a heavenly sign?
Have you ever sat alone on the porch practising cockney rhyme?

Have you ever attended a football game where the referee is a grande dame?
Have you ever wrung hand bells when practising your jinxes and charm spells?
Have you ever wanted to take part in a Star Trek technobabble word game?
Have you ever wanted to become the belle of the ball by using fragrant smells?

http://www.news.com.au/national/wife-burns-15000-hidden-in-oven/story-fncynjr2-1226436208472

The bank was losing patience and knocking at the door.
The man was at his wits end, his job he did no more.
His wife was standing by him, his kids knew naught of this
"I'll find a way to sort it out," he said and blew a kiss.

His last big asset was his car a Toyota, sporty red,
He though he'd better sell it to keep his family's "shed".
He put ads in the newspaper and talked to all his band
One of them said, "I'll tell you what I'll give you 15 grand"

"That will do," he shouted. "That'll save my life.
"I'll hide the cash securely and then surprise my wife".
His wife was a lovely woman but never a good cook
"I'll stick it in the oven. It's the last place she would look."

That evening he smelt burning and a frown came to his brow.
She thought that she would cheer him up and cook a chunk of cow!
The notes were crisp and shrivelled, it was more than he could take.
His wife wept and cried out "I made a mistake, I made 'im a steak."

I've heard the expression "Money to burn,"
But that's a difficult lesson to learn!

Can you hear the prophecies from the dancing seer?
Can you hear the bear who's deep in prayer?
Can you hear the laughing musketeer?
Can you hear the town mayor rocking in a rocking chair?

Stone and bun music makes me shake.
It's what I hear whenever I bake.
I hear opera when I have an operation.
It drowns out the doctor's buzz saw....

I jog around the lake eating a chocolate flake.
I commune with Mother Nature by hugging a tree.
I practise parseltongue with a grass snake.
I gaze at the sea whilst drinking a cup of tea.

I gazed at the sea.
The sea gazed back at me.
"How do I look? Sad? Depraved?"
I said. The sea just waved.

Tony is riding a pony whilst eating a plate of macaroni.
Dave is hiding in a cave holding his magic wooden stave.
Tony is then inspired to send Dave a pizza topped with pepperoni.
But Dave has gone and is now dancing down the church nave.

They got married in a supermarket - he walked her up the aisle
Her wax effigy got pregnant and they had a Voodoo Chile
When they went on honeymoon they stayed in Viagra falls.
In the theatre or stables they always sit in the stalls.

If it's not what you think it is, then think again my son
The words may sound so similar, but one add won ain't wan
You'll mix up all the metaphors when your throat is filled with frog
But sleeping in the fireplace isn't sleeping like a log

My friend said that in his house you could eat from off his floor
So I took a cake and two fried eggs and pushed them through his door
His anger was not the emotion I expected him to feel
From the mess you'd find on my floors you'd easy make a meal

I heard a lady saying that she had nothing in to wear
But next time I saw her out she certainly wasn't bare
I noticed when she saw me her face was full of shock
Next time, in solidarity, I'll wear more than just one sock

Are supermarkets full of Supermen?
Can ordinary folks shop now and then?
I shudder when they rearrange the aisles.
Lost will I be, wandering for miles.

There was Ernie and Bernie wearing a string vest
as they headed out West to take a long needed rest.
There was Flo and Joe going with the flow
whenever they went together to see a West End show.
There was a rabbit called Gambit who wore a monk's habit
and became energised when reading books full of humour & wit.

It's cool to lounge by the pool and play the fool.
It's cool to be friends with a ghoul who's still at school.
It's cool to be a cat who practices yoga on an exercise mat.
It's cool to be a bat who loves to chat about magic with a bat.
It's cool to eat currant buns when bathing in the sun.
It's cool to dress up as a nun whilst wielding a ray gun.

My upstairs neighbour likes to throw her shoe at the wall
when she attends the Starfleet Command Ball in the Town Hall
where she is told that it's forbidden to wear 14 inch killer heel shoes
and not come in with very scary looking Klingon symbol tattoos.
Then she stamps her feet when they won't play the music loud enough
and instead they give her several cream puffs and say to her that's tough.
But she won't stop complaining that the windows and walls are not shaking
and that they are not breaking and the neighbours are not waking.

Neighbors are like that sometimes,
But being loud's not the worst of crimes.
Banging things against some poor wall
Might cause dents -- I hope that's all!

Do you know how to play the guitar
or even the Indian sitar?
Do play poker wearing a neck choker?
Do you find eating Atlantic croaker rather mediocre?

I tried guitar playing once,
And ended up feeling like a dunce.
It took days to master one chord,
And finally I gave it up, bored.

A poem to make cats feel very happy

Curried mice in garlic butter when served with special fried rice tastes twice as nice.
But never have it with coconut ice sprinkled with marzipan flavoured lice.
A bacon wrapped chicken or a brandy flamed game bird is only worth a third
when served with a fish cream sauce made with marmalade and lemon curd.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands in the air
when people keeping asking me to dance like Fred Astaire.
Sometimes they ask me my point of view about getting a tattoo
or should they learn how to do Tae kwon do or holiday in Timbuktu.

Sometimes they ask me would I live with a grizzly bear
who loves to wear a silk headsquare when meeting up the Mayor.
Sometimes they will ask me have I ever come across a basilisk's rough
or how to stop their crystals and gems getting covered in fluff.

Time after time people ask me if they should get a new pair of shoes
but all they do is get boxes of nails, nuts, bolts and screws.
They even ask me would they look good in a Jedi knight's cloak and hood
or should they always be prepared for a picnic by getting in lots of food.

All I say to them is that you have got the passion and love
to communicate with all types of animals including the mourning dove.
So go and put on your coat and go and visit the nearest dove cote
and give them a gift of pumpkin and sunflower seeds served n a sauce boat.