h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Brilliant poems Paul and Vestboy.

Check the new nightclub with the Vauxhall mathers.*
Check the new coffee shop with the Vauxhall mothers.
Check the new disco with the the Vauxhall brothers.
Check the hippest boutique with the Vauxhall sisters.
Check the trendiest wine bar with the Vauxhall misters.
Check the cosiest pub with the Vauxhall blathers.

*Mathers - Geordie with Mates

My mate he had a Vauxhall Viva
His girlfriend so did hate his car
My mate’s girlfriend was a diva
No trendy model was she by far

My mate by now was so anguished
He tried to trade them in
The salesman was impart impressed
The car he liked, the diva, ended in the bin

I've heard the word marrer, as well, for mate. Most Cockney's don't know what the rhyme is anymore for "Me old cock sparrer" (sparrow).
Any relation to marry, I wonder???

The Baby Sitter,

Ernest Jones eyed the house with a growing great dread
His first job with Timmy: to put him to bed
The parents had showed him where all's to be found
They thanked him profusely and gave him a pound.

No sooner had door shut and car engine fired
Than Timmy ran in with a knife he'd "acquired"
He carved out a chunk of the dogs favourite toy
And turned boldly to face his babe-sitting boy.

"There's a lad! Careful now! Mind you don't slip"
The knife swerved and tumbled and near caught his hip.
It stuck in the floor with a terrible thud.
"Where's Timmy? For God's sake he's out in the mud!"

Timmy was faster than lightning, greased.
Earnest was after him, heart rate increased.
Timmy had pulled down his mother's clean bedding
Earnest was fearful of where this was heading.

"I - ghost" said Tim with a smile on his face
With sheet pulled right over he started the race.
"The mud, the rake, the mower!" Ern cried:
In all his imagining poor Timmy died.

Tim veered past the dog house and into the street
Ern thought, "Is he moving with wings on his feet?"
"He's probably heading to see Ma and Pa.
"Oh my word they have left garden gate wide ajar!"

A big truck was turning straight into the road
The driver was thinking of how to unload
His cargo of sand and 500 bricks
When on a ghost, in the road, his attention did fix.

"I'll get it!" he cried, with his foot on the gas.
He swung the wheel over and went up the grass
His load, it had shifted and started to spill
It leapt off his trailer and garden did fill.

Young Timmy was belting as fast as he could
With his sheet flowing wild like a ghoulish white hood.
Ern seeing the driver was safe in his cab
leapt forward agilely, and for Tim made a grab.

Just missing, his ankle he scraped on the floor.
The flying child popped in an open front door
Then like a wolf that is stalking its game
Ern approached the front porch with a limp, he was lame.

He called into the hallway to see who was in
"Tee-hee" is what came back, he knew it was Tim.
"I'm coming," he said, "So don't run away."
"I, ghost!" squealed the toddler who was ready to play.

Upstairs went our Tim with a pace that was striking.
"Not heights!" said our Ern "They're not to my liking."
The front double bedroom had some sort of a balcony
Ern put a shift on to beat Timmy's falconry

Timmy had jumped and was falling quite quick
The driver had followed, in hand was a brick.
"I don't like no ghosts!" He angrily muttered
Tim bounced off his midriff. "My! Ghoulies!" he uttered.

The little white bundle didn't lose any speed
As homeward it raced on imaginary steed
Earnest could see that the driver was troubled
"Keep your spirits up!" from out of him bubbled

"Leave it to me to catch that quick sprite."
"I'm off home," Said the truckie, "I'll bid you goodnight."
Back at Tim's house Ernest started his delving
The garden was clear, and the garage's shelving.

He must be inside the babe-sitter thought
And into the house he crept, nerves were all wrought
No sign in the kitchen, the lounge or the hall
He must be upstairs, I'll give him a call.

"Timmy, oh Timmy please come here to me!"
"I'll just exorcise you before we have tea."
But Timmy was lying across his small bed
Asleep, thumb in mouth and clutching his ted.

Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens, now on wheels!
Sit amidst shrubs and flowers as you drive.
Hear lovely music, which always appeals!
Fine food and drink, you are quite sure to thrive!

Young Willie Waggledagger (Shakespeare to you)
Was sucking his pen and all in a stew
He'd written a few poems, some plays and a letter
"Cymbeline's dreadful I have to write better!"

"This is the one! Perfect! I just know it will work
"I'll have a big fruit in it just as a perk.
"Royalty generally works in my plays,
"So I'll have a great king at the end of his days."

"His daughters will love him. Well, one of them will
"The others a meanie who just wants her fill
"I'll write in a sub plot with all sorts of twists
"And speeches on weather with wind, rain and mists"

"I think I wouldst happily put fruit in the name
"A good catchy title can bring in great fame
"A norange? A napple? No, anon could write each"
"I have it!" he gasped as he wrote, "The King's Peach!"

Space is the final frontier to be overcome with help of premier beer.
Space is the haven for all those who are fluent in technobabble.
Space is where everyday there is a Starfleet crisis caused by the eccentric Q Seer.
Space is where you'll see spaceships run by swans, ducks and geese who love to gabble.

Space is the place to have bizarre voyages to explore new planets.
Space is the place for those who are trying to find who they really are.
Space is the best place for eating ice cream cornets and salad filled French baguettes.
Space is the reason to travel to the furthest star to meet to find a bar in a bazaar.

Space is the place for long and very pointless patrols to seek the next spacial anomaly.
Space is a place to discover uncharted civilisations to have a conference or to have a party.
Space is a good place to gaze at the cosmos from the bridge drinking a cup of earl grey tea.
Space is for those who are very bold and courageous who love are also hale and hearty.

Space is the place to have many cultural encounters meeting new and exciting people.
Space is where you'll find you're true purpose in life by meeting with different values.
Space has been said to be a very boring place but not if you're on a climbing up a steeple.
Space is where you'll find an race that love to argue about museum exhibit statues.

Space is the place to have Federation conferences with and life forms.
Space is the only place you'll have the opportunity to have diplomatic missions.
Space is a place where you'll discover floating sentient worms.
Space is where you'll find lots of inspiration to find ways of avoiding meteor collisions.

Space is our destination and it is the place where no-one has travelled before.
Space is where we'll find new planets to colonise and to make diplomatic treaties with.
Space is where opportunities open us a door and where we'll bring an end to all war.
Space is where we'll learn new myths and where people still farm using a scythe.

"Behold, Captain Kirk, there's a jam up ahead"
"Car crash," said Uhuru "Their condition is red."
"That's bad!" said Spock with his hand on Bone's neck.
Scotty looked up and said, "They'll never start wreck!"

I woke from a slumber of 55 years.
None could console me, nor soften my tears.
"What have I missed?" I demanded, ears cocked.
"Elvis, the Beatles, and outer space Spocked.

You were asleep when men went to the Moon.
You missed Bin Ladin, that terrorist loon!
Great television, and cruel Voldemort,
Maria Von Trapp, and decades of sport."

"What about politics? What's the latest buzz?"
"That, I'm afraid, is as bad as it was..."

Sleeping for 55 years
Did you cry or shed any tears
When you woke finding so much had past
Liken to Snow-white, some what type cast

Was it a prince that awoke your long sleep?
Giving you a French kiss whilst you counted your
Ill not ask, what you said when you woke
Something along the lines, you’re not a Dame you’re a bloke

You ask how it was when I woke?
No kisses, no diva, no bloke.
Just me, with a beard ten feet long,
And appetite hearty and strong.

Billy found a foreign coin while digging in the park
He took it home to show his mum. She thought it was a Mark
They showed his dad who said it was, he thought, a Franc
The best way to sort this out is to take it up the bank

Bill waited patient in the queue to see the next free teller
The young lass at the window said he needs the Exchange feller
The Exchange feller was quite nice, but then went pale and wan
Just wait there for a minute I need a senior man

The manager came down at once and looked careful at the money
He took out a jeweller's eyeglass "It seems a little funny."
He phoned the Bank of England whose response was all but stinted
"It's a ten cent coin from USA, but this one's specially minted."

The Mirror came and took some shots and quizzed Bill on his find.
The coin had got the Queen's head on and was a unique kind
His ma held up the paper to show he wasn't silly.
"It has 60 on the top: The Queen's dime and you Billy!"

Careful not to trip on that beard
Could harbour birds or worse it is feared
Best to shave it right off
Promise, no one will scoff…………..

I shaved off the beard.
It did not go to waste.
I knitted a blanket
In excellent taste.

Don't panic but go and sit down and have a cup of tea.
Don't panic about the rain going down the gutter and the drain.
Don't panic but chill out by boating down the river Dee.
Don't panic about not eating bread made from wholegrain.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.
Crocodiles, sharks, and some rapids await,
Plus stawberries and cream.

Tis that time of year when that fruity numberplumps up
Champagne does flow from crystal you sup
Cream is lavished liken to a wanting dream
Then you wake up, you’ve eaten your pillow, you SCREAM

Disturbing dreams, I've had a lot!
I've chased and strangled, stabbed and shot,
Though I'm quite harmless when awake.
What would be Sigmund Freud's take?

Eye of Toad and Ear of Dog
Tongue of snake and feet of frog
slow worms tail and dead bat's droppings
Here are my favourite pizza toppings.

Naples claims to be the birth
Place of pizza, if not mirth.