h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

chops yummy
A feast to fill my tummy
With new potatoes ,carrots and peas
A dash of mint sauce if I please
To finish,some rhuhbarb and honey

Donald dear where have you put the crate of beer?
I think left at the village hall with the bride.
Donald dear have you been chatting up the Seer?
I think I was talking to her at the dodgem fairground ride.

There was a tomato organic,
Whose moods ran from gloomy to manic.
Pureed into sauce,
She shone with high gloss,
But caused pasta lovers to panic.

This saucy number should not trouble you
just giver her the bill that was mean't for two

Donald Duck, Donald Duck where you have parked my truck?
Please don't bother me as I 'm a member of the X-men.
The work I do really sucks especially when I'm covered in muck.
I'm full of middle-aged teenage angst trying to live a life of zen.

So you please could you tell me why are you always brooding?
It's because I keep on mutating everytime I have a panic attack.
Especially when I become so inquisitive and can't stop intruding
when I see Jack having his favourite savoury snack.

Mutations are problems, I see.
I want to spank them on my knee.
Send them abroad,
Or school them with cod,
The last things that I want to see!

Mutations, often turn out to be's
saving the, day after day
wearing a shell or a cape on their back
Blazing a traias they pass on their way

"Hold still," said the surgeon, "this is only a knife!"
"The way that you're wriggling will threaten your life,
"You must trust me more than the little you do,
"If you continue to wriggle I'll cut you in two."

Winternight was unhappy, a man in great pain
"I'll start going to church if you fix me again!"
"I know that my wriggling may seem quite pathetic
"But with these sorts of cuts I deserve anaesthetic".

The surgeon then waved his cloak and top hat
He pulled out a rabbit and then a white rat
"I do this as a side line, It's just for a laugh
"Be still my good man while I cut you in half."

"Don't mess with my giblets I counted them all.
"Your magical practice doesn't please me at all
"If you make a mess, of me innards, I'm suing
"The two halves of me together get gluing!"

"But this is the best bit!" the surgeon announced.
He skipped using giblets and high he did bounce.
He juggled a heart two kidneys and spleen
"Look at me!" he crowed loudly, "My God, you've gone green."

He acted immediately to put everything back.
The bits he'd forgotten he threw in a sack.
"You're fine now my lad. You'll fix right as rain."
He noticed a lung sliding right down the drain.

"You had two of those, so that one you won't miss.
"Come here pretty nurse, I deserve a big kiss."
When Winter came round he pondered and sighed.
"You know, I feel queasy and mixed up inside."

"You're in the best place," said the chaplain quite brightly
"He's the creme de la creme, I watch him twice nightly
"Now that promise about God I heard you espouse
"I've put you down for a tenner - to fix up his house".

brilliant, you brought a to my face

Im still laid up in bed, I'd just text the girlfreind to say that they did not shave me where they made the incision, so when I come to change my dressing later today its going to.

So if you hear a scream,its me

Another brilliant poem Vestboy.

Let's all seize the moment to put up our tents.
Let's all spiritually ascend through wearing perfumed scents.
Let's all wander to Dartford in Kent via Brent.
Let's all vent our emotions for the price of once cent.

Things are bound to get better, better, better,
if we live with a red setter who's a bit of a go-getter.
And if we play cricket too much it's bound to get wetter, wetter, wetter.
But if it gets too cold you're going to have put on your sweater.

Let's all go and lose ourselves by getting lost in the woods.
Let's all gain Jedi powers by wearing long flowing robes with hoods.
Let's all get together for the thrice daily office group hug.
Let's all get rocked to sleep by listening to the lullaby of a bed bug.

Are home sitters more wittier and fitter
when they go out on the street to pick up the litter?
Are they more trendy when their hair is covered in glitter?
And why do they titter when learn that they are a great knitter?

I hope I shall never get sick
And need operations that quick.
I fear, with my luck,
My doctor's a duck,
My nurses are Darth and Saint Nick.

The best place to be healed is at St Mungo's hospital
run by members of the magical community.
Their record of curing all sorts of illnesses phenomenal.
They will even improve your immunity.
And there is no disease or sicknesses that they don't have a cure for.
So with a swish of wand they'll make your spirits soar.

You'll love me forever, you said. You swore.
You said you'd make my spirits soar,
But then you made my feelings sore.
You cheated. Yes, I know. I saw.

It would be nice, if lovelasted forever
Your loved one, always said "yes" and never said "never"
That the last kiss was liken the first
Emotions in your pants, still makes them burst
But alas its not, instead, its all-over

I'm having a wonderful day,
But wish I could gaze at the Bay.
From here, I can't see,
It won't come to me,
And to travel -- well, it's a long way.

Let's join the new sensation that's sweeping the nation.
Come and learn to live life as laid back as an orangutan.
So all you have to do is follow Stan is in his safari van
and you'll feel the cosmic vibration in this unique jubilation.

The orangutans only live one day at a time.
They never get stressed out or have a life full of worry.
and they love to party and are always in their prime.
Some have been known to eat fruit and vegetable curry.

You could achieve happiness if you follow the example of the orangutan.
All you have to chill out by being in union with mother nature
and you will join the coolest and hippest most popular primate clan.
So why not come along and join this fantastic wild adventure.

The last time I had an adventure
Was when a large frog grabbed my denture.
He plunged in the pool,
And I, like a fool,
Did things that might well earn me censure.

Nearly being banned, all due to a naughty
Your misbehaviour being entereddown in the Naughty Boys log
If your denture had been nicked by a Toad
You'd have chased Toad and dentures down the road
Being followed very closely by your

Mother nature, you know, has been playing around
Some scientists lured her to their testing ground
We're going to woo you with this wooly sheep
It's a lovely young thing with fleece, thick and deep

And following the briefest of sweet introduction:
"Just tell us your secrets of life reproduction."
Ma N did then blush and play with her hair
"I think that's a secret I never will share."

They plied her with compliments shallow and deep,
Of her rainbows, lightning, and creatures that creep.
"Oh, stop!" she did say, "You will make me blush
"All this was done slowly, there's no need to rush."

And then by hypnosis she fell under their spell
"Did she just say D and A, I couldn't quite tell?"
"I think she said Felix, she must have a cat."
"Was that last word 'clowning'? Make some note of that"

When she came round she felt quite dismayed
"Did I speak in my sleep?" To the boffins arrayed.
"No, dear you slept as sound as a log."
"Well I'm off now, m'dears, to invent a new frog."

They rubbed hands together and raced to their lab
Just think of the fame and the money we'll grab!
Ewe come over here for a little love tryst.
We'll see if we can erm... make you re-exist

The sheep wandered forth like a lamb to the slaughter
They poked and they prodded "You'll be your own daughter!"
"That's nice said the sheep. I'll have someone to talk to."
"Can we cross her with pig? She'll taste just like pork, too!"

The process was risky but 'ventually succeeding.
The ewe was expecting (with no fun of breeding).
"We're rich!" yelled the boffins, "We'll soon be in lolly!"
"What name for the lamb?" They said, "Just call her Dolly."