h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The world is turning when we go lipstick burning.
The world is churning when we have a lust for learning.
The world is spinning when we ever we are grinning.
The world is spinning when ever we start a new beginning.

The world is rotating when ever we are document collating.
The world is rotating when we are technobabble communicating.
The world is revolving as our DNA strands start evolving.
The world is revolving as we go about our problems solving.

A sad world indeed, with technobabble filled.
Spinning, it goes in circles year by year.
Heat waves worsen, ice melts, seas are filled
As desperate crowding stokes a planet's fears.

Mr why do you spin?
Why has the got a silly grin?
Is it something that you've said
About him being made ofthat'd his head

If the Moon of green cheese were made,
A billion starving people could be fed.
A few months later, they'd be hungry again,
But we'd no longer have a Moon overhead.

If thewere made of
2Legs would be happy to please
Left with aand a fiddle
A spoon in the middle
And cow out in space, about to freeze

2Legs seems happy most of the time,
Unlike most folks in a nursery rhyme.
Mother Goose might have liked him a lot.
Think what he'd do for a nursery rhyme plot!

Milton was scratching his head with a brick,
The poems weren't coming and he felt real sick.
I haven't had anything pass through my head
If I don't write nothing I may'swell be dead
Then one of his homeys said "You're tryin' too hard.
"Give yourself a break if you gonna be a bard."
So Milton took to gamblin' and drinkin' an' such
His money went walkies 'cos he was a soft touch.
Some guys were playin' craps with some cubes of ice
He looked up and said, "I'll play. I like your cool dice"
His hands were hot and sticky and when he touched the frost
Them ice cubes they just melted, He said "Pair o' dice lost!"

I called him Jack, my
I hoped , he would long stay
We played all night underlit light
Until,l the morning sun took my beloved away

Melt, melt, oh snowman cool.
You came to life when it was Yule.
Now it's time for buds and bees.
Next Yule, you must come back, please!

Only 4 months left to go
Before it starts to snow
Then my friend Jack, he will be back
Ill build him another freind, we'll call him Mac

We had next to no snow
Last Winter. Let's pray
The winds will blow
Some blizzards our way.

I have got a funny feeling that I have been potato peeling
during a business meeting about our sales of darjeeling tea.
Then everyone turned around and found me dancing on the ceiling
singing about my jolly holiday at Newbiggin by the Sea.

Holidays aren't what they used to be,
Or maybe I remember a much younger me.
Kids think holidays are really dandy,
Especially the ones when they get candy:

Candy corn for Halloween.
Candy canes for Christmas.
Candy hearts for Valentine's Day.
Candy leprechauns on St. Patrick's day
Peeps and chocolate eggs at Easter.

Angels are watching me as I sail the seven seas
or when I am alone eating a large slice of cheese.
And afterwards I have a smile upon my face
as I recall the time I wore a dress covered in fine lace.

Cheese or chocolate? Chocolate or cheese?
Can't decide! Could I have some help, please?

Agatha Christie was stuck for a book
Her muse had left her she was having no luck
And then a back tooth gave a pang in her gum
She soothed it with gin and then with some rum
She foreswore cakes and puddings and candy
and soothed it some more with a big, treble brandy
The pain took a grip and she took a port,
A vodka, a whisky: her tooth didn't sort.
A schnapps and a curacao, brandy again
"None of thethe thpiritth can deaden my pain!"
Then in came a dentist and quick as a clap
He deadened her molar with his patent Mouth Trap.

Vestboy

The people of this planet are all spinning
as they start grinning about their hair waistlines thinning.
Then they start wondering about community twinning
whenever they are printing or when they're top of their inning.*

So why don't we changes the lives of the people we know
by changing the weather whenever there's a stage show.
Let our minds visualise cold wintery day with lots of snow
where people are all going with the flow by travelling by plough.


*cricket term p he first half of an inning; while the visiting team is at bat

Agatha Christie consulted with her advisors,
And called her new book "Ten Little Incisors."

Hens teeth, there maybe not
Consider it a Dentist’s evil plot
Full of intrigue, these chickens with dentures maybe
Read the full story, a biting finish you’ll see