h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If we could just communicate
With animals, that would be great!
Or would it? Animals do hate
Appearing on our dinner plate.

If we learn where they will be,
They'll be caught more easily.
Thus it's really quite okay
We don't know what critters say.

I like to smile when I am reading a very boring official document file.
I like to file my nails when I am walking a mile to buy an antique floor tile.
I like to day dream about exploring planets by being space ace
when learning how to make fine lace whilst trying to keep a straight face.

Alice's sheep keep right on knitting
As their spaceship was merrily flitting
From one star system to the next,
So intent on their task they weren't vexed

By the captain's indecisive maneuvers
Which at one point grazed the louvers
Of a palatial Vogon cafeteria
Somewhere between Sirius and Siberia.

Be still for the presence of the gambling rabbit called Gambit
who looks too groovy and hip when he's wearing his 70's trouser flares.
Bow down before him and share his blessings of wisdom and wit.
He'll even allow you allow to got and sit in his message easy chairs
which will give you tears of laughter when sampling his chocolate afters.
So join with Jill and Bil who have both had their fill of jellied eels and krill
and look up to the attic and imagine that you are all swinging from the rafters.

Whales love jellied eels and krill,
And love to eat their fill
With Mercadante and Bill.

Poem inspired by a wood-pigeon's call.

I want you to sit with me in the village church pew.
I want you to prepare for me pumpkin & sunflower fondue.
I want you to listen to my experiences of deja vu.
I want you to come with me to look at the sea view.
I want you to join with me in the national pigeon fanciers do.
I want you to meet with me in a romantic rendezvous.

There is chicken wire around the village church's spire.
It was put there by the very eccentric country squire
along with his rover's car spare tyre which he got on hire.
He got it after getting very drunk with the Town Crier.

Let's all come together for the communal big hug
in imitation of bears who breakfast on bowls of porridge.
And come and dance with the very pretty ladybug
as we pour out the most satisfying mead out of a self-filling jug.

I'm Washington Trotsky McGee Perez --
The most mixed up name you ever heard.
My folks make me wear kilts and a fez,
'Cause blue jeans [they say] are "absurd."

Donald is our very best friend
who wears a Braveheart style kilt.
This has started a new fashion trend
but you need to be very well built.
For those who are thin and have nobbly knees
will need to eat more protein in their diet.
Including beans, peas with grated cheese
and to read Scottish literature when it's very quiet.

The literature of the Scots
Is chock full of war and dreadnoughts,
With mad scenes galore,
And blood on the floor,
And many internecine plots.

I felt lost trying to fix my vehicle's exhaust.
I then got help from Hermione, my Afghan hound
who was listening to the music of James Last.
Then out of the radio came a magical pound
golden coin that was covered in hoar frost
that was resting on the very stoney ground.

As I came to pick it up, out came Magneto
who was boasting about his magnetic personality.
I am told Magneto that I can give him a real magical show
along with my Jedi powers as that was my speciality.
I can make make it sunny and even make it snow,
I can even improve my thoughts and rationality.
And with my wand I can make the best tasting gateau.

My car wears padding when I go for a ride.
With me at the wheel, it wants to avoid caricide.

Let us all come together to dance when we meet in Paris in France.
Let us all come to compete with a dancing cane and lance.
Let us come to listen to 1920's swing, jazz and rhythm blues.
Let us boogie all the way down when wearing our tap dance shoes.

I've heard a CD of Woody Herman.
I played it last night for a German.
He liked it just fine.
We both had some wine,
And then listened to Ethel Merman.

i don't where I 'm or where I have been.
I don't know what to do when I'm at the zoo.
I don't know if I should paint the door green.
I don't should I invite Hugh for a meal of lamb stew.

By all means you should invite Hugh.
He'll know what to do at the zoo.
He'll paint your door green.
He will never be mean,
But maybe he'll eat all your stew.

Renee and his risque dancing toupee

I have been sent astray by Renee and his dancing toupee.
He starts every dancing session with a strange question
do I pray to the people of the Scottish town of Moray
for remedies to aid my indigestion and nasal congestion.

I was too astounded to reply as I watched the toupee jump
and skip over my head in a very sassy comical way.
It then started to sing a rude song about using a stirrup pump
when swaying in front of members of the Elfen Fey.

There were chariots racing around the Town Crier.
There were dogs jogging around an oak log.
There were country squires playing with a giant tyre.
There were country folk sitting drinking hot mugs of brandy nogg.
There were villagers ringing out those Norman church bells.
There were morris dancers prancing around the village square.
There were ladies selling their wares with their fragrant smells.
There were Scottish bears clad in kilts on the way to the autumn fayre.

Bears? This alarms your poor reader.
A black bear has smashed the bird feeder
At my sister's house,
Where nuthatch and grouse
Once safely dined, hung from a cedar.