h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can you hear the wolves howl whenever they are wearing a monk's cowl?
Can you hear the owls hoot whenever they are looking for their lost boot?
Can you hear the dogs growl whenever they score a quidditch game goal fowl?
Can you hear the pigs working out the square root of a pickled grapefruit?

Animals are everywhere.
They rustle in the attic.
They clatter on the stair.

The squirrel's on the telephone wire,
Wasps build nests on the porch rail.
Chew my flowers is grasshopper's desire.

Phone a phone, phone a phone, phone a phone, ring
How silent my mobile, my cell phone won't ping
Press a key, press a key, press a key, send
Not even text messages from any a friend
Browse a web, browse a web, browse a web site
Not even an email has come into sight
Charge a phone? Charge a phone? Charge a phone? How?
Your battery's flat, stupid, so plug it in now.

Deck the halls with sparkling silver balls.
Deck the rooms with dancing grooms.
Deck the the halls with market stalls.
Deck the rooms with flying brooms.

The mad, crazy pre-Christmas rush is on.
I get swept up in it, like a starry-eyed kid.
Ornaments with my family's names on them;
Holly-covered sugar bowls, complete with lid.

I want to be free to take afternoon tea
with those who love to play in the snow
when they are wailing like a banshee.
I want to go with the flow when on the go
when sampling Renee's world famous brie .
I want to learn how to play a rondeau
on the piano forte as by the Scottish river Cree
with a plate of bread made from sour dough.

Let's all hum a merry tune about the month of June
or when the sky is clear with a waxing gibbous moon.
Let's all sigh when striving to put on a silk bow tie
or getting the filo pastry ready for a steak & ale pie.

October comes like a thief in the night,
Killing the tender vines and flowers,
Turning leaves to hues of sheer delight,
And sending not-so-welcome Autumn showers.

There was Jerry who was being merry after drinking a sherry.
There was a blackbird pecking at a bowl of lemon and lime curd.
There was a fairy taking the ferry to the town of Derry.
There was was a who purred when listening to jokes that sounded absurd.

I crossed the bay in a ferry
Piloted by my godmother.
My ferry godmother is very
Good to me and my brother.

I lost our family ghost
and a plate of buttered toast.
I lost the puzzling life's plot
when tying a reef knot with my friend Dot.

Nonsense incessantly claws at my brain.
I cry a loud, wrenching scream of pain.
My fingers turn yellow, my face aquamarine.
I'm a post-expressionist piece of art, I wean.

I can see for miles and miles and miles.
I can see the coast from my castle window.
I can see faraway islets and deserted isles.
I can see Flo waving her hoe at Joe for taking her bread dough.

The rain is falling rapidly down the maisonette's gutter and drain.
There is a labrador dog sleeping by the fireside with a siamese cat.
There is a lady eating quiche lorraine and drinking a glass of champagne.
There is a bat and rat eating a latke cake as they meditate on their yoga mat.

Rain falls not where it's needed most.
Dehydration can make you a ghost.

The fog on the river Thames smells like pea and ham soup.
The mist on the river Tyne smells like the city's best bitter ale.
At the airdrome in the village of Abridge they loop the loop
as they join in a song song with a veil wearing humpback whale.

The fog rolls in on cats' feet,
Swallowing dead mice in the street,
Chasing birds, engulfing fish.
Fog, go away! That's our wish.

I remember in an old black and white film - don't ask the title - there was an alphabet that went a bit like this (say it out loud to get the meaning).
A's for 'orses
B's for 'oney
C's for sailing ships
D's is better dan dose
E's your pains away

Any additions?