h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There is a very brave hearted goat that sails down the river Dee in a boat.
There is a debonair and stylish cat that trips the light fantastic in a top hat.
There is a cautious stoat that always goes out with her umbrella and rain coat.
There is a very athletic rat that plays cricket on the village green with a bat.

i once had a purple pet rat
Who wore a ten-story-tall hat
With tenants inside
And a local tour guide,
And catnip galore for my cat.

They're going to get you for not being able to make the perfect cheese souffle.
They're going to get you for not being daring enough to try out the new fondue.
They're going to get you for not being able to dance the foxtrot at Renee's buffet.
They're going to get you for not being able to sail in a canoe with a kangaroo.

Where is my multi-colored coat?
Was it eaten by my goat?
Kidnapped by rabid toads?
Imprinted with secret codes?

Sent aloft by a magic lamp?
Starched for use as a ramp?
Used by mariners for a sail?
Used to warm the fin of a whale?

Draped over a bird's cage?
Waved by a torero to incite rage?
Wait! It's in my closet.
Gosh, the things I forget!

Why are you on the sly every time I'm eating a slice of apple pie?
Why are you trying to fly up to the sky when wearing my bow tie?
What is it that makes you want to hide in my garden hut?
Is it because you're trying to hide my last remaining wing nut?
So please answer my questions or I'll won't listen to your confession
that you're going to a secret and very covert nightly jam session!

There are treacle caves in Thurrock filled with golden syrup puddings
which is filled with gold sovereigns and diamond encrusted rings.
And if you overturn a rock you will find a tray of doughnuts
filled with raspberry conserve which are flavoured with pickled walnuts.

The doughnuts and raspberry jam
Made me as happy as a clam.
The pickled walnuts
Have scrambled my guts.
It's time for my flight to Siam.

It's that time of year when Mercury is in retrograde
and all forms of travel and communication go awry.
It's the time when plans are either put on hold or delayed
and you look back on the days you attended the Junior High.

Mercury retrogrades
Into the Queen of Spades,
She of haughty operatic airs,
Tchaikovsky-penned,
With maids who attend,
'Til she falls down the stairs.

When I was born so long ago in the country of Siam
I had a funny feeling, it's not so lonely in my pram.
Did this funny little fellow share my mother's love?
He moved like me and stared straight back and also wore one glove.
I had a plan I'd chuck him out and stop his stupid game.
I heaved and pushed and grunted he seemed to do the same.
There was a loud crash, tinkle and a wailing from me mam
I've broke the bloomin' mirror that was intended for my gran.

Sing to me only with thine eyes
and I will pledge you my heart
along with a bag of French fries.
So please can you do you're part
by sharing with me your best silk ties
which you bought from the local mart.

My heart goes boom, boom whenever you enter the room.
My ears start to ring everytime I see you wearing bling.
My head spins when you introduce me to Doctor Doom.
I start to sing everytime I am playing on the garden swing.

My ears were ringing all the time,
Immune to any quelling.
The explanation was that I'm
Someone who is rebelling.

when grand plans slam then paper tigers snore
to think upon a time sat next a screaming bore
yoga for the mind works with good food and grace
but limp sandwiches make my poor nose turn cold
as in the fluffy clouds above boomed Jove
crumbs from heaven are manna to the mice
be thankful now for lightening strikes not twice

Oh mercy, mercy me, why don't you want another cup of tea ?
Oh mercy, mercy me, why don't you want go with me to Newbiggin by the sea?
Oh mercy, mercy me, why you be friends with the Bree?
Oh mercy, mercy me, why won't you join me in my weekly shopping spree?

His ship did sink in the Pacific Ocean.
Stranded with a Bengal tiger in a lifeboat,
Pi Patel survived without sunburn lotion,
Bailing water after storms to keep afloat.

There goes my best bow tie.
There goes my shepherds pie.
There goes my ability to fly.
There goes my reason to sigh.

Johnny's too long at the fair.
They say that he's met someone there
With hair of spun gold
-- Of her I've heard told --
But knowing him, it's just a mare.

Aliens are coming, it's been said
Planet X, could land on your head
The birds flew north not south, ask why?
Too much rain has fallen from sky

Axial tilt !, your having a laugh
Effects all things tall, even a giraffe
Jet stream gone wonky, get out that warm coat
Only things happy are polar bears that gloat

Internet a playground of increasing spin
Think the unthinkable, it's not a sin
Post your thoughts whilsts ever you can
Come the 21 of December, its too late, Ive ran

They say in the year 2012 we will have our alien DNA will be activated
and we'll be able to create our own reality from the power of our minds.
We will get new bodies and new minds as we become totally rejuvenated
along with our new X-Men mutant powers everytime we put up our blinds.

We will be endowed with a midi-chlorian count higher than Anakin Skywalker
Everyone will have magical Harry Potter powers and be able to talk to snakes.
All our W.O.M.D will turn into starships and make us all a technobabble talker.
We will able to cook with magic and make the best tasting 100% chocolate cakes.