h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Ents and the Ent wives will finally be reunited.
The Hobbits, Dwarfs, Elves and human's heights will have increased three fold.
Everyone will become very well connected and very delighted
when they're in possession of the Philosopher's stone that produces gold.

There will be intergalactic technobabble contests through out the universe
where the winner will be able to become a member of the groovy and hip Tok'ra.
There will be plenty of First contacts who's cultures and languages are diverse
who eat vegetarian and seafood highly spiced dishes flavoured with okra.

We'll be transported to the 27 new earths and 27 new moons
where childhood and adolescence will last three hundred years.
We'll travel everywhere by magic broomsticks and balloons
and some will even will travel by using flying gondoliers.

There will be only be villages and hamlets
where people will be one with Mother Gaia.
And people will record their dreams on cassettes
when they commune with the Ancient Maya.

I never wanted to talk to snakes.
Their stories are boring and drab.
I'd much rather chat with the lady who makes
Those won tons with cream cheese and crab*



*Known as Crab Rangoons

Knowing a lady that makes
Whose prone to making mistakes
She'll chat till the cows do come home
Of ventures and travels in Rome
But this is her downfall it's said
Cause by chatting she's easly led
And by forgetting those buns once made for lent
Burnt her house down, she now lives in a tent

She left all her Christmas lights on
From sunset till long after dawn.
When they were turned off,
She developed a cough,
And all she could do then was yawn.

Jelly on the china plate and Jelly on the fireside grate.
Custard tarts given to a troll and custard tarts given to a mole.
Eggy bread used as fishing bait and eggy bread used to find your soul mate.
Pilchards served in a bread role and pilchards served in a punch bowl.

Are you ready or not to meet up with the fighting robot?
Are you ready to make your best shot when your boxing on the spot?
Are you ready to punch the robot wearing your best string vest?
Are you ready to show your bare hairy breast when feeling stressed?

I sit here at the bottom of a well.
I dug to China, but I went through H*ll.
The froggies, they all look at me askance.
I hope they aren't expecting me to dance.

I didn't know a spring was in my way.
What other tricks will Mother Nature play?
Aha! I'll toss a coin and make a wish.
I'll climb the line when someone comes to fish.

Pardon, did you say that there will be no more Dandy comics?
Will that mean the demise of the cheerful Desperate Dan?
And the end to Beryl the Peril's escapades and her cheeky tricks?
Will it mean that Corky the Cat will have to form a new plan?

Jingle bell rock, dancing with only one sock
whilst looking for the singing cuckoo clock.
So sit by an open log fire with the country squire
who aspires to climb the village church spire.

So let's deck the hallways with bows of holly
to make us feel jolly at the sight of the drinks trolley.
Have a wonderful winter holiday at the cafe
or the chalet where there's a sumptuous buffet.

Rocking around the Christmas tree with cup of spiced tea.
Singing merrily but off key with a glass of chablis.
Watching Jack Frost nipping at your nose and toes
even though your wearing 90 denier panty hose.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
May your days be full of joy and happiness
as well as your pockets be full of brass.
And that you will be free from worry and stress.

Christmas, a time of great stress,
When traffic clogs roads. What a mess!
The shops teem with buyers
As each one acquires
What he/she can't afford, I would guess.

When it's my birthday, will you have the day off,
gorge on roast meat and boiled hams?
When it's my birthday, will you celebrate my life,
swapping jumpers or sweaters with the wife?
When it's my birthday, will you stage a nativity,
in a sterile hospital ward?
When it's my birthday, will you think of past times,
sat round the TV, stuffed, tipsey and bored?

When it's my birthday, why not donate cash: where it's want,
and go out and enjoy the afternoon?
Sober, healthy and carefree,
Save your head, your cash - just have fun!

Your birthday's a sacred time,
Like any other's natal day.
You are rare, unique, irreplaceable.
You deserve the sun, moon, and stars,
Not to keep for yourself,
But to share with the rest of us,
Who inhabit this round, orbiting nuthouse.

I was stuck on a round orbiting nut house
my wellies were sucked down into the mud
from the shoreline i could see rolling fields
the wind ran it's fingers through the golden corn

Then the sun came out from behind the fluffy clouds
and a group of picnic friends climbed the sand dunes
i shouted and waved and sank further
and the daytrippers, all waved back
before jumping in a car to drive off
after having a jolly fun filled afternoon

God himself was made man again and walked the beach
it was now around three thirty and the tide was edging in
God breathed deep of the air after over 2000 years
and laughed as he collected wild flowers by the shore
God was now known as Darren, and walked among us every day
As the mud surrounds my neck, i wish i'd learn to pray!

Rain, rain go away come another day
for there are floods everywhere
and the roads are covered in water spray.
It's driving all the farmers spare
at this year's ruined harvest
of cereals, vegetables and fruit
due to the low pressure coming from the west
along with the honey production following suit.

I built my house on the beach, over sand.
The ride came.Quicker than a wink,
Most of the rooms in the house sank.
I watched everything but the kitchen sink.

[In the previous post, "ride" should have been "tide."

My house vanished into a gaping hole!
Never mind! That's life! It's only a ride! It's only a ride! *
My dinner was burnt inmy new oven!
Never mind! That's life! It's only a ride! It's only a ride!
My shoe found a sharp nail in the street!
Never mind! That's life! It's only a ride! It's only a ride!
My dog left home and took my car!
Never mind! That's life! It's only a ride! It's only a ride!
My teeth fell out the day before Christmas!
Never mind! That's life! It's only a ride! It's only a ride!





* Thanks to the shining light of hope from St Bill Hicks