h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...admitted that she, too, aspired
to be a screenplay writer.

"California needs at least 10,001
screenwriters," she said, gleefully
dashing off a condensed version of
'War and Pizza.'

"I didn't know war and pizza went
well, together," the Count said as he...

watched her type her script for the condensed version of "War and Pizza".

She was done in a mere 15 minutes, which the count knew meant her condensed version would probably run as a 3 minute short subject.

"Ok, I'm done already what's next?" asked Betty as she jumped up from the keyboard and proceeded to...

...change into a butterfly.

"And who are you?" she said to Alice,
who had finished doing a screenplay
for "Metamorphosis" and was about to
start one for "Naked Lunch."

"Change back into a , Betty,"
called the Count from a table at the
rear of the diner, "'cause today's
special is..."

your favorite - tuna fish a la styrefoam!"


"My favorite?!!? What ever gave you that idea?"

"Oh, my mistake, it's *my* favorite, so I just assumed that...

.....
"Never assume!" said Betty looking
"That is sooo typical of a man, "I like it so you have to like it too" well let me tell you buster that I want classy food. I want breakfast in Tiffany's"
Being a penniless Count meant that this posed a bit of a problem for him. Not wishing to lose the affection of Betty he decided the only thing to do was borrow from Freddy the Finger, well known for his endearing habit of cutting off debtor's fingers.
"I'll be back in a minute Betty," he said as he went to the back room where Freddy could be found....

...meanwhile Betty (feeling overwraught from being taken for granted by the Count) looks at a slice of ham on a passing tray the waitress is carrying. She gasps in alarm as she notices that the ham slice resembles her long lost sister - Sheila. Oh Sheila! My dear sister, who would have thought that...

...a ham is just an overzealous actor--
which, come to think of it, describes
Sheila all too well.

The Count decided to show Betty that one
could still get a first-rate meal even with
next to nothing in one's pocket.

"This is the caviar room at McDonald's,"
the Count told Betty as they entered the
goden arches, "and all you have to do to
find is..."

come up with a logical next line in a collaborative story".

Betty suddenly had a moment when she felt as if she was being watched and that everything she did was out of her control, as if someone, no several people were directing everything she did and everything that happened around her.

But the count just stood there looking dumbfounded at her and...

...in walked the Duchess of Dingleberry. "Betty! Betty darling - how lovely to see you again!" Betty cringed as a rather largish, overly made up woman in her 60's walked into the diner. The Duchess proceeded towards Betty with a walk that resembled a steam locomotive. "How very odd - I was just mentioning to my chauffer that I wondered what had happened to good old Betty, and then wiz, bang and a flat tire later - here you are!" The Duchess then noticed the Count - who was still speachless and now a little peaked looking. "Is this your driver? Did you have a flat also?" Betty looked around the room - formulating a plan to quickly escape the diner when...

the ground opened up and swallowed her.

"Looks like the end of the story."said everyone and wandered slowly away.

The Duchess of Dingleberry was made of sterner stuff however and had a hunch.
"Gather round everyone and hold hands inside this pentangle."
As soon as she had finished drawing the pentangle and got everyone to hold hands she began chanting an ancient invocation.
Old Nick himself appeared in a cloud of smoke and brimstone.
"So it's you is it, Duchess? I suppose you want to know what I'm going to do with Betty don't you? Well, you won't see her anymore she's going to be my personal........

...sous chef! Yes, well, you know how cold it gets at the North Pole, and what with a limited fare of fresh vegetables and fruits - you need good sauces on the foodstuffs you do have available. And while Betty may be only a mediocre she is the worlds best sous chef! So there you have it. Now Duchess, if you would be so kind as to stop fooling around with these pentangles, you're throwing off the whole space/time/Xmas continuem! With that St. Nick disappeared in a poof of...

...soot, and everyone wondered when was the last time Mrs. Claus was able to get ol' St. Nick out of his suit in order to get it cleaned. The count wasn't about to give up Betty so easily, so he started to formulate a clever plan. "I shall save my sweet sweet betty with..."

"...snowboots, gloves and thermal underwear I think" muttered the Count to himself as he suited up to rescue Betty from the North Pole. Cinching his belt a notch tighter (I have no idea - but it's supposed to give one courage! ) the Count sits in the lotus blossom position and meditates on how he will get Betty back. A vision unfolds before him... a cloud swoops down from the sky and hovers a few feet in front of the Count. Out of the cloud steps the Toothfairy. "My sweet Count, you never made a wish on that last tooth you gave me, and now I am here to offer my help to you during these troubled times". Take this golden tooth drill and use it on your quest to free your beloved from the clutches of the selfish (yet well sated) St. Nick. And now I must leave you, as there is a child in Toledo who is about to lose a tooth!" The cloud floated away and the Count leaped up and...

away from the heat that scorched his bum.
"What the Hell was the cause of that?" he asked.
Old Nick was glowering at him and poking him in the bum with a red hot trident.
"I'm Old Nick, gerrit? Not that mamby-pamby softy St. Nick .
You might recognise me from such Biblical references as; Here's an offer you can't refuse, Jesus, and so on.
Now forget all this cr*p and listen to what I have to say.
Betty is with me for all eternity as my personal.....

"...slave to my taste buds" said Alice (back at the diner). "You know I wouldn't really mind all this dieting, if the food just tasted better. Don't you agree Betty? Betty?" Alice quickly looked around the diner and realized that she was sitting at the table alone, Betty, the Count and the Duchess of Dingleberry had all disappeared. "Well, that's friendship for you!" Betty said as (with a large and very unladylike slurping sound) she finished up her Double-Dutch-Peanut-Butter-Raspberry-malted milkshake.

Was that the end of the story?!?!? There's no open ended sentence to finish!

It's a perfectly fine ending if you ask me.

Once the Duchess of Dingleberry sings, the show is over.

The reader can choose either of the two possibilities:

that Nick is Santa Claus, who has kidnapped Betty, but will
be a nice guy and let Betty and the Count live, rent-free,
in his workshop for eternity, with elf servants to pamper them.

or, that Nick is Satan, who will give Betty an eternal
job making Cajun food and Szechuan food and the hottest
chilis in creation.

Oh I'm sorry! It was very late when I wrote that last night... Please feel free to replace the "." at the end of the sentence with "..."!

Although if you would prefer we could start a new one? I love these "neverending" stories!

I messed it up anyway - when I called Alice "Betty" at the end. So much for posting when I'm half asleep!

You mean there's any other way to post?