h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...men with dollar bills to stuff into your g-string. What, you're not wearing one? Let me help you with that, just...

wait a minute while I get this frozen turkey out of the freezer and put it on the side here.
There, sorry it took so long Count, now let me arrange your erm, equipment.
Betty was extremely surprised when he....

...turned out to be a she. "Gosh, what a small package you have here. O had no idea that...

the postman could handle such a small thing.
The Count was sorely affronted by this remark and stomped off to conquer the Isle of Man. "It's about time someone did something about that three legged man and someone with an inferiority complex like me is just the person."
He looked around for an army and was pleased to see.....

Nearly 200 Thingites, s ready and sharpened to do battle against their foes.

Of course when the Thingite army learned that they would be expected to conquer the Isle of Mann, they looked at each other with puzzled expressions.

Finally a spokesperson for the Thingite army announced that if and only if the Isle of Mann would be expected to convert to Thingism would they conquer these people because...

there was a definite shortage of Thingites.

Sounds a bit like the Spanish Inquisition" said the Count doubtfully,
"but who am I to stand in the way of interrogation and torture.
Very well then set forth on our epic quest to conquer the Isle of Man."
And so the armada sailed forth in cast off baths and washbasins. Unfortunately nobody thought to tell the Count that it was the week of the T.T. races and the island was full of bikers.
As the armada reached Douglas harbour......

...because of major errors of scale, the
entire armada was eaten by a small dog.

The Isle of Man was saved from further attack,
which was good news for the all-male population
as it went about its diverse activities.

"By the way, I weas kidding about being a she,"
Count Rudolph told Betty as he was...

getting changed.
"Yes, we all knew that you are a hemaphrodite, you old mussel you." responded Betty. "But don't worry, your secret is safe with me."
Meanwhile in a large black van the CIA were monitering the conversation.
The Chief of Ops, a burly man given to smiling and wearing shadeswas speaking into his lapel mike.
"Forget about that dorky ET alien we are onto something much bigger, a hemaphrodite Count. When I give the word I want........

a big burger and a side order of fries.
As he started eating his burger he noticed that the screens were getting blurred.
"Hot damn, something wierd is interfering with the screens!" he yelled.
"Ooops sorry, too much ketchup!"
Just then the back doors of the van were forced open and....

...150 circus clowns came out. You see, this
was a special branch of the CIA that was composed
entirely of clowns. Betty took the Count's hand and
led him down a dark alley to...

...a little out of the way coffee shop, the Hyper-Mug, where they both ordered triple strength cappucinos.

"Ah, now that really hits the spot, doesn't it?" said Betty.

The Count agreed, and fortified as well as nervous from caffeine overload, they headed back out into the alley to face...

...the clowns who had now joined to form on mega clown! Betty took off one of her shoes, and chucked it at the mega clown, hitting it in the forehead. This resulted in...

her having to hop.
Catching the shoe in his mouth the mega clown laughed an evil and horrible laugh.
"That's torn it," said the Count as they ran away from the hideous monster.
"It certainly has," said Betty."Where the am I going to get new pantyhose at this time of night?"
"Why did you throw footwear at the clown?" asked the Count.
"I was hoping to shoe it away," replied Betty.

"A valiant effort my dear," said the Prince of Darkness who had just materialsied in a puff of smoke. "and one that will be rewarded with.....

...fluffy pink cotton candy!"

They looked at each other because it certainly seemed out of character to be offered such a reward by such a character, but then when they began to eat the cotton candy, they considered how it suddenly disappears when it touches the tongue, and realized that it was just like him to offer such a fleeting reward.

Neverthess they finished eating their reward, if you can call it eating since it's more like melting, and...

very Zen.
"At last you understand the nature of emptiness." said the
"How on earth did we get to Tibet?"asked the Count as he looked around at the roomful of




"Ohm.....search me" said Betty,
"Let's get outside and hail a passing yak to take us to......

California where we can make like a couple of flakes in the rest of the bowl of granola and contemplate it for a while.

"What *are* you talking about?!?!" asked the Count.

Oh, you know what they say, living in California is like living in a bowl of granola - what ain't fruits and nuts is flakes, but I never really believed that was entirely true so I thought we should go there and...

...fight for the rights of normal californians to be treated with some respect! Can you believe how bad they've been treated since they didn't vote for the "fearless leader" of the US? We've got to put this right, then we...

......."but the Count interupted her.
"Now just hold on a minute there my darlingBetty!" he exclaimed.
"We come all this distance to an exotic part of the world and you want to go straight back without seeing anything?
Where is your sense of adventure woman? Where is your inquisitiveness?"
The Count held up his arms and spread them wide to take in the surroundings, "Open your eyes and behold.......

...how many there are
in California, far more than in all
the rest of the world combined.

"We can set up our own ashram at the
corner of Hollywood and Vine, and welcome
all the normal Californians as they
pass by, each in a little world of his/her
own."

Betty led the Count to a curry shop, where
10,000 screenplay-writers were sitting at
their...

10,000 security monitors watching an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards. So far, they still hadn't come up with the entire works of Shakespeare, but the screen-play writers hadn't given up hope.

"Why have you brought me here?", asked the count as Betty...