h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...with a description of a ride in the Tunnel of Goats.


"I have the strangest feeling of deja vu", said Betty Sheila.

Red Dog looked at her and said....

"Do you know that I saw Elvis yesterday? He was walking with the Queen doin' the werewolf in London awoooo!"
saidBetty "I think you're mixing up two songs there!"
"Piffle" retorted Red Dog as a meteor came hurtling towards them.
Betty looked up and..........

...shattered the meteor into tiny grains
of sand with the power of her high "C".

"That gives me a great idea for a song,"
said Red Dog, pulling out his guitar and
his music paper.

"Do the song later," Betty said, unbuttoning
Red Dog's shirt, "because I think you and I
could make music together if you'll only..."

"...let me weave your red fur into new strings for your guitar!" She pulled out the fur shavers, and plugged them in. Red Dog started to whimper and back away, having flashbacks to the Cat/Dog war when....

they unleashed the demonic and terrible Tigger.
"I don't think I could face that thing jumping all over the place singing that stupid song again."
"There's only one thing for it, I'll have to activate the Death Ray."
Leaving Betty in a disheveled heap on the floor he....

..furiously edited the thread and Tigger ended his days on the cutting room floor. Disaster neatly averted, he turned his attention back to...

... his knitting obsession, a secret he had nurtured all the way through his childhood, prep school and University, keeping the knowledge away from his train spotting chums and his doting parents. He removed a pattern and his needles from his knapsack and started to chant his favourite mantra - "knit one, pearl one" when .....

the Dalai Lama appeared before himand began talking to him.
Unfortunately it was in Tibetan but he caught the word "Woolies" before His Holiness vanished.
"Hmm," he ruminated, "Woolies? That must mean...

...there's a sale on at Woolworths. I'll be sure get a nice, big, black shiny...

top hat so I can pretend I'm Fred Astaire
as I do "Puttin' on the Ritz."

When he had the top hat and the tuxedo on,
Red Dog danced up a storm.


"You're the best dancing red dog I've ever seen,"
said Betty, calpping enthusiastically, "but you
still need..."

...tap shoes. Yes, your toe nails may need clipping, but the taps they make on the floor just aren't the same as the taps you get from real tap shoes.

Red Dog looked at Betty with his big sad eyes and began to...

...do a samba. He grabbed Betty, and the
two of them went through every dance--tango,
meringue, bossa nova, waltz, polka, fox trot--
that they knew.

"Betty," said Red Dog, looking soulfully into
her eyes, "if only you knew what I want to..."

... have for dinner. I am starving, you know.

Red Dog offered him some of his Alpo, but Betty...

...whisked it away and put it in her secret
meatloaf recipe.

"Wow," said red Dog, "this is the best meatloaf
I ever had."

"The secret's in the sauce," Betty chuckled, "but don't
ask me what..."

...the secret ingredient is, because it is after all a secret.

"Oh come on, you can tell me" said Red Dog.

Betty looked into his deep, soft, brown eyes and replied...

...I love you, you crazy mutt, but I can't give away a family secret." Betty turned away in a dramatic manner. Red Dog said, "Then Marry me Betty, we'll be family and then I can..."

pass on my fleas, lick my privates and sniff every doggy-doo with you.
"Sounds appealing", said Betty but I'll have to neuter you first because...

we've been invited to a function at El Presidente's palace.
She smiled mischievously, "I was just teasing about the neutering, what I really want is to.....

get out of this outfit and dress up in something black and slinky. I'm going into town to buy a little black number that will knock El-Presidente's socks off.
Meanwhile in El-Presidente's palace things are looking black.
"Things are looking black amigos" said El-Presidente, "I have arranged a gala fiesta evening to impress the peons but.....

...it's really Nurse Betty I want! See to it that her escort, whoever he may be, is forcefully removed from the picture. That will leave me alone with Betty to...