h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...show her my frying pan collection. I think she'll love it when I oil them just right. Then maybe, I'll get her to cook...

..or at least, something that nearly rhymes with cook. There's nothing quite like the smell of...

burning eggs in the morning. Oh, I hope she can burn them just like Mom always did - makes the mouth water!

In the meanwhile, I'll just sit here and...

think of a way to prevent the revolution from happening.
Perhaps if I executed a thousand peons that would do it...?
No too costly in bullets.
Ai Caramba! I need help, there's only one thing for it,
I'll send for......

Martha Stewpid (Martha Stewart's good but dumb twin)
and have her cook a huge banquet for all the peons.

Before the day is over, most of them will have food
poisoning. The few that don't succumb will be immediately
drafted into my army, so they can invade...

The housewares department at Walmart. There will be squadrons stationed in the candle and picture frame aisles, and a swat team in the toy department. From there, they will...

...preform a voodoo ritual to give Red Dog the power to kill the thread whenever he wants!

And then, maybe he will reward me with...

...nothing at all because he wouldn't have anything appropreate for my age level," mused Ist as he looked over the scene paused in front of him. He hit the play button to resume the story as he sat down again to watch. "No, that wouldn't due at all, maybe I'll..."

... start all over again. Or perhaps change the parameters of the game.

Hmm... wonder what it does if I....

put this cheat code in?
A massive explosion took place wiping out all the players and leaving a blue screen. Sure enough the legend, GAME OVER. appeared.
Well!said Betty, "That's the last time I accept a Playa-station from that El Presidente."
With that she made her way out of the Presidential palace into the courtyard where a tall handsome..........

.... racehorse was waiting to whisk her back to reality.

" What was that?" screamed Betty.


"Oh, it was just the return to reality" said...

the racehorse.
I've never been whisked like this before said Betty. Now I know how Humpty Dumpty felt.
Was she going to be beaten to death?
It looked like it until...

... she was poured into the frying pan. Then her only concern was being cooked to death.

Finally she was poured out onto a plate and suddenly all her previous fears paled in comparison to...

...the shock of realizing that the "plate"
was actually a bed, and a naked Brad Pitt
was lying there waiting for her.

Betty was agreeable to making love with Brad,
but before she could start, the door opened.
Count Rudolph entered and demanded that Betty
return with him to...

.... Never-Never Land.

Realizing that there must be something seriously wrong with Count Rudolph, Betty called the insane asylum.

Much to her surprise the phone was answered by...

Elvis. "But I thought you were dead." said Betty
"Uh-huh" said Elvis, "That was just a story I put out so that I could finally get to go to.....

.... Never-Never Land."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuugggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Betty as she dropped the phone and ran away as fast as she could.

Not watching where she was going, she ran smack into Michael Jackson who looked directly at her and said "Welcome to Never-Never Land, where....

I want to talk about feelings.
"Well I never!" declaredBetty. "A man who is prepared to talk about his feelings."
"So tell me Michael, how are you feeling right now?"
After scratching his new nose Michael said,
"To tell the truth I feel quite itchy, why is that?"
Betty gave him alook and said........

...why don't youoff!
As Michael slunk off Betty noticed that something strange was happening to the air in front of her. As she cautiously edged closer to it she could see that it was becoming fluid like water.
"How strange" said Betty, "this looks like a scene from the average Sci-Fi movie, I wonder what will happen next?"
The surface rippled as she spoke and Betty gasped as....

the Count goosed her.
"Tell me Betty dearest" said the Count, "have you ever felt that everyone has left and there's just you, me and some wierdo called Mistadrong left?"
"It's funny you should say that you naughty Count, I was thinking the same thing. I have a feeling that if we go through this strange apparition we will find.......