h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*gulps* Uhm, yeah. That would be a good...

*feels sudden shuddering and inexorable movement. ely moment (look it up in the meaning of liff)*

...idea. Uh-oh.

Blackholes are OK if we fit a white hole to the front of the ship and drop it in at exactly the right moment. They cancel out and make a grey hole.
But what do I know about it, I'm just a simple Comunications Officer.
*Tries not to stare into audience and grin getting at all the attention.*
*Stares into audience and grins at getting all the attention.*
D'oh!

*thinks about Joolsee's suggestion. looks at Afgncaap5*

Is that right? Could we do that?

*dramatic music swells*

*fed up with dramatic music. swelling goes down*

Do it, Mr Afgncaap5!

I'll go down to another part of the ship for a while and see what the deal is with the slight hull breach the sensors are telling me about. Also this chair is making my bum very sore. But when I return, I want to see this emergency sorted out. Go for it.

You have the conn, Ms Suspiciously Quiet Maybe She's Asleep Eomando...

*pweesh*

Of course, we'd need to divert the engine power output into the nose mounted condensed matter grapple and use impulse power to manouver into position, before setting the ships computer to release the white hole at the precice moment the field potentials match.
But what would I know about that? I'm just a simple Communications Officer.

*E wakes up with a start*

Wow...we're moving... Erm, of course, I knew that...I haven't been sitting here asleep...

Well, all you need to do is release our hold on the white hole a few seconds before we reach the event horizon. And creation of a white hole is very simple. All we need to do is condense all of our shield energy in front of our ship. The magnetism would make a great substitute for a black hole, plus magnetism can effect gravity in irrational way,s so we'd be fairly safe.

Add a few phaser stuns, photon torpedoes, maybe another swell of dramatic music, we're okay.

*Pushes donut communicator*

DD, divert all shield energy to the front of the ship. Try to concentrate a sphere of energy in the classic "Spherical Lightning" maneuver. But this time, don't shoot the lightning sphere. Wait to "release" it until I give the say so. Or, whenever you get nervous enough. That should be about time.

*Ends donut communication*

Suddenly there was a ripple in the time/space/improbability continuum, and with a noise that sounded oddly like like a korean chainsaw being started up (but backwards) out stepped a small japanese anime character with a huge sword and, unfeasibly, an even huger blonde quiff.

"Tis I, CD4!" said CD4. "My name is CD4", he added unneccessarily, "and I am here to rescue Midgar... hang on a mo, I'm in the wrong bloody forum! Still, now I'm here, can you use a japanese video game character whose secret weapon is to have his mobile phone ringer volume set to full, without ever answering it?"

*Sighs in admiration of the chief science officer.*
*Puts chrome shuttlecock in ear.*
*Twiddles*
*Removes shuttlecock.*

*Joolsee snaps back into the present moment*
Er, hi.
*Fondles donut.*
Security! There's a strange man on the bridge, and he's carrying a MOBILE PHONE.
*Unfondles donut.*

CD4-An anime character? Well, we'd have to ask cap'n.

Joolsee-what was that shuttlecock doing in your ear?

DD-Have you diverted the energy yet? Are you even on h2g2?

*Thinks. Pushes a button on wristwatch and vanishes. Comes back after a few seconds*

Some kind of gas was there. Everyone was knocked out. I created the white hole and released it, but I don't know what to do about all of the people in engineering. I mean, I'm just a science officer! Not a doctor!

*Eagerly begins setting up an aparatus to mine all of the matter in the gray hole*

If this works, we'll all be rich! More money for the DisneyPlanet vacation!

It's a comfort thing. When I get nervous I just have to...you know.

Ah. Okay, the Black Hole Mining Apparatus is almost done. Just one final touch.

*Welds the words "Crater Labs Inc." onto the machine*

Done! Now, as soon as the white hole hits the black hole, we'll be able to reap the benefits of extra mater! More fuel to burn, more supplies to make stuff with, it'll make prices in the stock market go down, but we'll be rich!

So rich that we'll be able to hire the nasty somethings as bodyguards, and prevent them from being nasty and evil?

Now that's a thought...

*pweesh*

Hi, back again. Fixed the hull breach with a bit of MDF.

CD4 - Cloud Strife with a mobile phone, huh? Well, we've already got Communications sewn up but you're welcome to join the crew as a chartered crewmember. I'd send you down to Dr Croz, but he's pretty busy with the engineering crew, who have all been gassed.

*notices E rubbing the sleep out of her eyes* Hmmm...

I don't think the Horrible Somethings would want to come and work for us. They're far too mercenary anyway - even if we did get them to work for us, they'd only kill us and nick the ship, or leave us at the side of the road in just our underwear.

*Security Officer returns from having checked out the new recruits. Removes latex gloves *

I know it's old fashioned in these days of scanners and stuff but hey, I'm a traditionalist .

*Notices black hole on scanner*

Sh*t!

*Notices white hole and black hole mining device*

Phew!

*Notices small anime character with large sword and mobile phone*

Sh*t!

All power is being diverted to forward shields. But I ain't sure how much she'll be able to take, Cap'n.

Hey!
What a coincidence! I don't know how much more she's going to take either!
Well isn't that just super! I could slash someone's ribcage or snort real loud with surprise.

Anyway, one thing I do know is that she's going to take a lot more than I am, because the doc left me here in sickbay,
with a half-finished enema (at least that's what I think he was doing) and now I'm missing all the action!
I'm a klingklong for crying out loud! I wanna do battle with Horrible Somethings, or punch a black hole a black eye!
Doc! Dooohoooc! Doccywoccy, where aaaaare yoooo?

Prez, chill, man. Dr Croz is dealing with the engineering crew right now. I'm sure he'll get back to you pretty soon.

Ah, Mr BluesSlider. How are things? Secure? Good stuff.

Mr Afgncaap5, how is the mining going? Did you fill 'er up?