h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Welsh Male Voice Choir*

There'll be a welcome on the hillside,
There'll be a welcome in the vale.....

Oh greatygreatgreat.
I'm gonna be violated in my physical privacy!
There's gonna be poking devices in my crevices!
There's nothing a klinklong like my little self likes better than having his entrails dissected. or was that dissecting other people's entrails?

Whatever the base may ke, Screen me through doccy!
And guess bloody well what: I'm gonna be the first member of the crew to be examined on a MOVING Esirprente!

Yes - once Eomando takes the handbrake off...

*pweesh*

Ah, lunch, will I never tire of your endless permutations?

Oh, by the way, has anyone seen my Dom Perignion? I was saving it for a special occasion...

*relieves E of conn, sits*

Right. Now what?

I suppose we should lay in a course. Oh, and take the handbrake off...

*takes handbrake off*

BB, set course for the planet Ebola VI. There was a recent Horrible Somethings attack there - we may be able to find nubile alien women... uhm, I mean some scientific evidence to help us defeat these nasty types.

Dr Croz, give us a shout and tell us how Prez's medical goes.

Oh, welcome back, Joolsee. I'd leave at least one hailing frequency closed or else nobody will be able to get through. Unless you've got some space-based ex that you don't want calling?

*Pours some coffee from the BMI*

Star Treking,
Through the Universe;
Always pushing forward,
'cause we can't find reverse.

*Looks wistful. Wipes away a tear. Closes one of the hailing frequencies. Sighs. Gazes vacantly into space (of which there is a lot of to gaze into at the moment).*
All but one hailing frequencies open, Captain.

I'll have a cup too, if you're pouring some, Afgncaap.

It's okay, Joolsee, there'll be opportunity to open that hailing frequency later.

*tries to mop up Joolsee's tears. looks around to see if that communication about damp proofing is still kicking about*

Warp 5, Mr Bluebottle. Engage!



And whoosh, they go to warp...

Setting course for Ebola VI. Captain, I recomend we go via the new Disney Planet on Ebola V... We could then disguise ourselves as tourists, which after spending a week or two there on all the rides, would be impossible to break...

Let's do the time warp again! (Sorry, couldn't resist)

*Pours some coffee for the cap'n*

Klingons off the starboard bow,
Starboard bow, starboard bow,
Klingons off the starboard bow,
Starboard bow, Jim.

*Intercom BEEP*

BTW I know perfectly well where revevrse is on the Esirpretne, it right ....

OK who has taken the green lever that should be ....

It's ok I was looking in the wrong place.

*Intercom BEEP*

It's a song. A silly little song. That's all.

"It's life, Jim, but not as we know it,
Not as we know it, not as we know it.
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it,
Not as we knot it. Cap'n."

That's Spock's verse.

Okay, so at this Disney Planet, think we'll be able to see it all in a day?

AAARGH! I just checked the front page! We're in the "5 busiest forums" section (under the old title of "So you want to be a Jedi?")!

AAARGH!

*calms down slightly*

AARGH!

*koff koff* Okay, sorry. Whut? Oh, Disney planet. Uhm, yeah, okay. We can go there first. But only for a short time. You don't want to spoil everything for the next time you go.

Ye cannae change the laws of Physics,
Laws of physics, Laws of Physics,
Ye cannae change the Laws of Physics,
Laws of Physics Cap'n.

You see I can laugh, do ye want reverse yet.

"It's worse than that, he's dead Jim!
Dead Jim! Dead Jim!
It's worse than that, he's dead Jim!
Dead, Jim, dead"

I dunno. I'm just Science Officer, not stellar cartographer.

It's worse than that;
It's *DEAD* Jim, *DEAD* Jim, *DEAD* Jim;
It's worse than that, it's *DEAD* Jim,
It's *DEAD* Jim, It's DEAD

We come in peace, so shoot to kill,
Shoot to kill, shoot to kill,
We come in peace, so shoot to kill,
Shoot to kill, men.

The last verse is always my favorite.

How's the BMI doing down there?

Okay, could we keep the head here?

(which, btw, is a Scottish expression meaning "Don't go mental". I don't want to be giving the impression that I'm carrying around a severed head and looking for somewhere to store it)

*checks front page again*

AAARGH!

*Notices beeping on the console*

Captain, are there any known black holes in this area? I think I just found one. We could mine the matter from it, and we'd all be *RICH*!!!

I'm sorry, black holes? Are you sure it's not just a bit of grit on the scannerscope?

*audience at home remember that gag from Red Dwarf, turn over to see if Ally MacBeal is on*

Aren't black holes terribly dangerous? Shouldn't we watch out that we don't, oh, I dunno, get sucked in towards the event horizon, after which there is no escape and Sam Neill pulls his eyeballs out and stuff?

*Looks at Boy with wide eyes*

You mean that we don't have any anti-gravity shields? I coulda sworn that this ship was fully equipt to mine a black hole. I mean, it has all the necessities that the S.P.S. Starcross had, and more! So, I guess I should stop redirecting our route towards it, right?

I would recommend that VERY strongly, myself...
...Not that I'm allowed to make these decisions myself....