h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm really tired of people whining about the prices of everything

What's wrong with $ 3 for coffee, $ 2 for a soda, $ 2.5 for a beer, $ 7 for a burger, $ 2.5 for a glass of wine, $ 5 for toilet visits, $ 2 for parking?

Seriously all these complaints are making me sick

If it doesn't stop I'll not invite guests home anymore!

A priest and a nun were travelling in the country, when a terrible storm came along. They took refuge in an abandoned cottage. There was only one bed. The priest let the nun have the bed, while he slept on the floor. During the night, the nun said, "Help me. I feel so cold." The priest got up and put another blanket on her. This happened two more times. Finally, the priest suggested that, just for the night, and promising not to tell anyone else, they agree to pretend they were husband and wife. The nun agreed. "Fine," said the priest, "next time you can can get your own blankets."

Everything comes to the one who waits. When I was born I was an unwanted child. But now I'm wanted in six countries...

- What an enchanted evening. Look how beautiful the sun sets in the west!

- That's not the west, my friend, that's the east. And that is not the sunset. That's your house burning down

Terrified man asks his lawyer: - What if I can't afford the alimony? Can she claim me back?

- Why is the boss mad at you?
- At the company party he shouted "long live the staff" and then I shouted back "of what?"

My wife found a cockroach in the kitchen today. She completely panicked and cleaned the entire kitchen inside out.
Tomorrow I'll put the cockroach in the bathroom ...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly
contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
...I just lost it....

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Phone rings at the vet's office and he picks it up.
- This is John Smith, my wife is on her way over to you with our old cat. Please don't make a big fuss about it, just give her an injection and let her pass quietly over to the other side.
- Okay, says the vet, - but can the cat finds it way back to you by herself after that?

The woman on the bus joke: I saw that on Facebook. But, better to be on the bus than under it.

That awkward moment on the wedding night when she undresses slowly in front of you while whispering "I've been dreaming about this moment ever since I was a little boy"

A flight attendant noticed a woman leaving her seat in economy class and moving up to a seat in first class.
The flight attendant walked up to her, asked to see her ticket and said: - Sorry, this is a ticket for economy class, please return to your seat.
- Nope. I'm young and beautiful and I want to fly to Chicago on first class!
After some futile arguing the flight attendant gives up, walks up to the cockpit and tells the pilots about the .
- Let me try, says the co-pilot but returns shortly after and says: "That blonde bimbo is hopeless. She won't move!".
- Did you say blonde, asks the pilot - I'll handle that. My wife is blonde so I'm fluent in blonde.
He walks up to the whispers a few words in her ear and she immediately gets up saying "Oh well, in that case I'll return to economy class".
- What did you whisper to her, the fligt attendant and co-pilot ask
- I just told her first class doesn't land in Chigaco

Passenger! Excuse me Pilot! But do planes like this crash often ?

Only once love!

A dung beetle walks up to the bar and asks: - Is this stool taken?

I love that one!!!

He: Where do bad rainbows go? Prism.
She: If you can't convince someone of a scientific truth, maybe you can diffract them.

I hated the way my doctor took his time getting around to seeing him. I was an impatient.

The motto of an ancient Egyptian philosopher: "I sphinx, therefore I am."

In a previous life, the marsh bird was in a duel with Alexander Hamilton. Now he is Heron Burr.

I've had a longstanding love for comfortable chairs. This is because standing a long time makes my feet hurt.

Ownership of the orchard was disputed. Finally the issue was resolved by information from an unimpeachable source.

To all!

Keep em' coming

Any farmer knows that when there's a good harvest, you eat what you can, and can what you can't. The next morning you go to the can

Everybody Can-Can!
Well, If ya can, can, can!
If ya can, can, can!
If ya can, can, can!
Well, If ya can, can, can!
If ya we can, can, can!
If ya can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can!
Everybody can-can!
Outside it may be rainy
But in here it's entertaining!

Q: - How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: - Two. But how they got in the light bulb we'll never know