h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

George Burns once said he had to sing because there was something inside him that just had to come out.

"And if you had it in you, you'd want it out, too."

Once a psychiatrist promised to get Gracie Allen straightened out. George Burns objected, because he didn't want to go back to selling ties.

Dad tells his son: - Once you're married you can forget about all of your mistakes.
Son: - How so?
Dad: - No need for two persons to remember the same things

Q: - What do you get when you cross a with a piranha ?
A: - A stern warning from the Ethics in Science Committee and a sudden lack of funding

A cartoonist was found dead in his home ? the said details are sketchy ?

10 things that made me laugh these last 12 months:
1. The dumbest thing was probably buying a planning calendar.
2. In 2019, I stayed away from negative people. In 2020, I stayed away from positive people.
3. The world is upside down! Old people sneak out of the house while their children shout at them to stay home.
4. This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat and it was obvious that she thought the cat understood her. I told my dog ​​about it and we had a good laugh.
5. Try wearing your jeans on a regular basis. Your sweat pants might make you believe everything is fine.
6. In 2019, people coughed to hide a fart. In 2020, people farted to hide a cough.
7. I never thought that the saying “I would'nt even touch them with a ten foot pole” would be politically correct, however that's the case now.
8. Practicing social distancing ... from the fridge.
9. One hopes for good weather for the daily excursion - to the trash can.
10. I never thought in a million years that I would walk into a bank wearing a mask and ask for money!

NUmber 10

You could have been arrested for *not* wearing a mask into a bank.

Gud'un Pierre


(NO disrespect to anyone whatsoever)

A schizophrenic asked:- How can I stay 6ft away from myself ?

I actually asked that to a store worker in my local supermarketshe replied:- Trust you!

We got two feet of snow. Frosty the Snowman was finally able to walk.

Customer in bakery: - I would like to buy 10 rolls.

Baker maiden: - Unfortunately there are only 9 left in the store.

Customer: - Well, what are you waiting for? Go to the bakery and make a roll call.

An enterprising artists made a display of a stone and a scone. The art gallery called it "Rock and Roll."

He sighed: - I've wanted a child for four years, but my wife insists we should keep it for at least 18 ...

The thoughtful boy said: - Mum, if God gives us our daily bread, Santa Claus brings presents, the Easter bunny brings chocolate eggs and the stork brings the little children - then why do we have Dad hanging around here all the time?

My wife is incredibly picky. Now she wants a divorce just because there was a single little hair that was not sitting as it should.
It was blonde and sitting on my jacket ...

When someone mentioned that George Burns was born on the Lower East Side, Gracie Allen said, "He's no freak. He was born on *both* sides."

Baby Adder to it's father:- Dad! Are we poisonous snakes ?

Yes son! We are and why do you ask ?

I've just bitten my tongue

[aside: Only two snakes are poisonous. Many of the others are venomous, though ]

An albino student at Hogwarts was able to talk to snakes. Paleface spoke with forked tongue.

i spotted an albino dalmatian today. it was the least I could do for him

Three men, all in their mid-90's, are being visited at the residential home they live in by a doctor who is performing memory tests.
The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274" is his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?“
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?”
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday"