h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What’s a tornado’s favourite game?
– Twister!

Why did the hurricane wear a monocle?
– It only had one eye!

How does the rain tie its shoes?
– With a rainbow!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
– You might step in a poodle!

What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
– Want to go for a spin?

I only know of three serial killers: Snap, Crackle, and pop. You're safe as long as you don't let them out of their box.

When Pluto was declared a planet again a friend of mine quoted Shakespeare's "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet".

Makes me wonder if Pluto smells just as sweet as - say - Uranus

Pluto, king of the Underworld, may be terrifying, but deep down he’s just depressed.
He’s trying to cope with it, but Charon took the kids.

Now that trump is infected, he is a Covidiot.

Famous last words: - I'm off to test my newest invention: I have attached two axes to my boomerang. This can't go wrong!

I sent the lady to the closet for a sarong, but when she showed it to me, I said, "That's sarong one!"

A middle aged man carrying a salmon under his arm, walks into a fishmongers and asks ? do you have fish-cakes ?
The fishmonger replies - yes we do!
The man says that's good! Because it's his birthday!

Yet another joke

Are you poorly ? one of your ears is dark brown ?
I've been on holiday to "tans an ear"

How do you get someone to "chuck up" a 6ft cask from their throat ?
Tell them to start "coffin"

2 llama's going on holiday 1 said "alpaca suitcase"

I just flew in from Baltimore. Boy, are my arms tired.

Why did the chicken cross the street? Because he wanted to be poultry in motion. [yes, it was a he, a rooster]

Why do motorcyclists wear leather jackets? because crinoline loses its shape in the wind.

(Punk Rock 1975–80)

Why did the punk cross the road ?
Because he was stapled to the chicken

- I have tried to lose weight, he sighed. - Sad to say the result was very slim

On my way through the Black Forest I came upon a house made of gingerbread, cake, and pastries. I shouted a hello to the elderly lady living in it and asked her how it was living in it. She sighed: - It's alright in the winter but a living hell in summer what with all the bees, mosquitos and wasps

"Mary had a little lamb" (part of a nursery rhyme)

But? who was the gynaecologist ? and

The told me: - The problem lies in your breathing. But we will soon to put an end to that

3 dollars to get a shirt cleaned?

Ha! I donate it to charity instead. They wash and iron it - and the next day I can buy it for 1 dollar

Two unicorns met on Noah's ark. One said to the other: - Hey, honey, looks like it's just you and me then. My name is Johnny, what's yours, love?
- Gordon ...