h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What has wings and the ability to grant wishes, and some major assault weapons?

A fairy godfather.

It's not unusual to be loved anyone.
It's not unusual to have fun in the sun.
It's not unusual to love Don and Ron.
It's not unusual to go on a fun run.
It's not unusual to see me cry
after I chopped onions and chives.
I am always on the fly when eating pie
when I will be doing several high fives.

What resides in a tree and is blue and is very dangerous ?

a fridge in a denim coat

Lady walks into a bar with two bees in her bonnet.

- Really? What's her name?

- Abby with two B's ...

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

My mother's sister liked lewd jokes. She also had natural resistance to most diseases. We called her Aunty Bawdy (antibody)

3 pieces of string go into a bar.
The 1st one asks for 3 beers!
The bartender says - get out! We don't serve string here
So! the 2nd string tries and asks for 3 beers!
The bartender again, says - get out! We don't serve string here
So the 3rd string goes to the bar and again! Asks for 3 beers!
The barman says are YOU another piece of string ?
NOPE! Afraid not

frayed knot

I went to work as a servant for the Twine Family. It took a while for me to learn the ropes.

Q: - My child won't eat fish. What can I replace it with?

A: - A cat. Cats love fish.

What is difference between is the first day of Spring and a cross between a horse and an aurock?

One's an Equinox. The other's an equine ox.

What do you get, if you cross a with an elephant ?

Bloody great mouse-holes in your skirting-board

A computer company desperately needed programmers and therefore employed five even though they were known to be cannibals.
- You now have permanent jobs, earn well and can eat everything you want for free in our canteen, so please leave the others in the company alone, said the boss.
The cannibals promised, but four weeks later the boss came and said: - There is a cleaning lady missing. Do any of you know what has become of her?
Nah, no one knew that.
When the boss was gone, one of the cannibals asked the other four. - Alright, who of you fools has eaten a cleaning lady?
- It was me, admitted one in a low voice.
- Idiot! We've been eating department heads, team leaders and project managers for weeks without anyone noticing - but you just had to eat a cleaning lady?

In the corporate jungle there are head-hunters.

The patient to the doctor: - Are you sure I have pneumonia? Because I heard of a doctor who treated a patient for pneumonia, but then said patient died of something completely different.
The doctor to the patient: - , when I treat you for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia!

Female patient to doctor - I want some contradictive pills!
Doctor - pardon ?
Female patient to doctor - I want some contradictive pills!
Doctor - are you ignorant ?
Female patient to doctor - not yet! That's why I want the pills...

It was only when I went on a diet that I discovered what a bad loser I am

Hello. You have called my answering machine. I am not picking up the phone at the moment as there is someone I am trying to avoid. Leave your name and number and if I do not call back you know it's you.

When I think back on my life, it's really amazing how far I have come. I started as an unwanted child - and now I am wanted in six countries

Teacher: - Explain Newton's first law of motion using your own words. You have an hour for it, but you can leave as soon as you are done.

After two minutes, Dennis gets up and leaves the room. Astonished, the teacher goes to see what he has written and finds a note that says:
Yakka foop mob yrk zool grup pucqwub miz ukka glob

My good friend David has had his ID stolen. So now his name is just Dav