h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

- What's wrong with me, doc?

: - You're too fat

- I want a second opinion!

- Okay, you're also ugly

The Lone Ranger and Tonto once went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up and had had supper, both men fell asleep.

Some hours later during the might, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe' look towards sky and what you see ?

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars!

What that tell you asked Tonto ?

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute or two, then says:-
Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets!

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo!
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning!
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow!


"Your dumber than a "Supporter of a certain ex president It means someone stole the tent!!!!

How do you like the new stairwell?

It's fine, but why does a well need stairs?

----------------------------------------

Knock knock

Who's there?

Doctor Zeus

Doctor Zeus who?

I'm looking for Horton. Can he hear me?

Don't go to see him! He's an "cheapo unlicensed" horse doctor


Neigh! he's ok! I had some bad sneezing attacks and he said I'd caught a colt

brunel/F1926355?thread=8327242&post=111170403#p111170403

post the knock knock here Paul

Oops! That ain't worked ?

F1926355

Nope!

This better? https://h2g2.com/dna/h2g2/brunel/F1926355?thread=8327242

Yeah, but ya have to copy pasta

Knock knock

Who's there?

Doctor Zeus

Doctor Zeus who?

I'm looking for Horton. Can he hear me?

I've got a santa claus!

anyone coming down my chimney gets fined!

My wife called me. She was furious: - Where are you?
I said: - Remember the jewelery shop we saw a couple of years ago? Where you saw the beautiful diamond ring that you loved? And I said to you: "One day it will be yours"? But then I didn't have enough money to give it to you?
With a trembling voice my wife answered: - Oh yes, honey! Of course I remember it!
- Yeah? Well, I'm in the bar right next to that shop.

luv it!

We had a catflap made in our back door.
The neighbor, who always has to outdo us, immediately had one made also.
The next morning his grand piano had been stolen ...

The bakery shop down the street was robbed a week before Christmas. Everything was stollen

- My wife didn't come back from buying potatoes
- For God's sake - what did you do then?
- Noodles

I looked on a website for "cigarette" lighters

all it came up with was 14,045 matches

Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage."

Trump asks, "Was I happy?"

The aide answers, "I don't know, sir. The casket was closed."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

After a while one says to the other: - I've sat here so long my bum has fallen asleep!

- I know, says the other. - I heard it snore twice already ...