h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I told my son: "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said: "NO!"
I told him: "She is Bill Gates' daughter."
He said: "OK."
I called Bill Gates and said: "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said: "NO."
I told Bill Gates: "My son is the CEO of World Bank."
Bill Gates said: "OK."
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said: "NO!"
I told him: "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
He said: "OK."
This is how politics works ...

I foound a promising pub and asked a passer by if it was a reputable place.
He answered: - Well, it's reputable - but the repute is ill ...

Once you have learned to act your age
you have grown too old to do it
So why bother?

Stay away from the moon if you're into heavy metal.
It's only a fifth as heavy up there

I wiped my nose! I thought it was blood ? but it'snot

He: - How many men have you had?
She: - Five. With you it will be six
He: - That's not many for a in your age?
She - No, it was a quiet week

A hard up couple, the husband told his wife to go out on "the streets" to £earn" some money!

The next morning she told him she'd "made" 54 pound and 50 pence

He replied - Who gave you the 50 pence ?

Her answer was - err all of them


This might get "yiped" ????

Now that I've read it they are free to yipe all they want

Q: - How many contortionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: - Two

(But how they got in there is another question )

11 women were on a life-raft

1 was pregnant! But the others couldn't help as they were on the same life-raft....

I was out to lunch with a friend yesterday, and pointed to a couple of old men at one of the other tables and said to him: - That's us in ten years.

He replied - It's a mirror ...

Found this philosophical wisdom on the web (and cleaned up the language a bit):

"I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the testicles?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the testicles, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the testicles is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the testicles."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap."

Doc: - Cut down on alcohol!
Me: - At my age? Is it even worth it?
Doc: - Well, a glass of wine every evening is okay. Might even be beneficial
Me: - One glass?
Doc: - At least have a glass of water also with every alcoholic beverage, okay?
Me: - Does it have to be water?
Doc: - Well, err, no, anything without alcohol will be okay, I guess

So now I'm having a pint of Heineken 0.0 for every i drink

I needed a manhole cover for my ship so I ordered one from Temu

They sent me a loin cloth

Friend claims he is phishing with a net without threads thanks to a Danish king who died over 1000 years ago

My best tip for getting out for a run:
Run every day for 15 minutes. And if you miss a day, you add the 15 minutes to the next day.
This principle works very well. In principle.
Tomorrow I will have to run for two months ...

“After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”
Credit: unknown

Stood at the stop, a lady next to me only had a right breast ?
I asked! I'm sorry for the curiosity, but have you been poorly ? and had to have an operation ?
she replied! No, left it at home!

(think about it)

and

- How old are you, ma'am?

- Hey, you can't ask a lady that!

- Okay, how much do you weigh?

- I'm 38 years old

A woman goes to the doctors and asks for some contraindicative pills!

The doc' says pardon ?

I want some contraindicative pills!

Doc' says "are you ignorant ?"

Woman says yes! 3 months