h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

6 mates walked into a bar!
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it

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Matthew Prince
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What's the best Donald Trump joke you have heard?
President Trump is standing on the US-Mexico border, next to his nearly completed border wall.

Alongside him is the president of Mexico who is smiling and looking genuinely pleased.

Trump: “I have just added the final brick onto the wall so it is now complete. What are you smiling about.”

Mexican President: “I’m just really happy that you decided to build this beautiful wall.”

Trump: “Why?”

Mexican President: “Because you are in Mexico at the moment.”

Did you know that Danes eat more bananas than monkeys?

It's true: An average of 45 bananas per Dane per year.

And zero monkeys.

- Hey Boss, can I take a day off tomorrow? My Missus wants me to help decorating the house

- Absolutely not!

- Thanks, Boss, I knew I could count on you

An English man a scots man an Irish man a Welsh man a Gurkha an American a Latvian a Turk an Aussie two kiwis a german a South African a Cypriot an Egyptian a Japanese a Mexican a spaniard a Russian a Pole a Lithuanian a Swede a Finn an Israeli a Dane a Romanian a Bulgarian a Serb a Swiss a Greek a Singaporean an Italian a buddhist and an Ethiopian walk into a bar and the bouncer says sorry I can't let you in without a Thai.

Bloody brilliant!!!

5 year old boy: - My uncle is afraid of the dark. So when auntie is on night work, he sleeps with the woman next door

Missus calls her husband and asks: - Where are you? You were supposed to meet me in the city and go buying my birthday present.

Hubby: - Yeah, you remember that little jewelry shop down in School Street we couldn't afford when we got engaged?

Missus smiling happily: - Oh yes, I certainly do remember!

Hubby: - Okay, well I'm in the pub next door

Jean and her friend Ginny meet on the street…
Ginny: Hi Jean, You look fresh…
Jean: That's because my husband fixed it all yesterday. He shopped, cooked, cleaned and looked after the children…
Ginny: That's something new. Why on earth has he started this?
Jean: He read in the newspaper that you would have better sex if the wife was rested...
Ginny: Well, did you have better sex then?
Jean: Nah, he was too tired

Why Parents Drink (I probably posted this before):
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME.!!

One blonde to another : - Can your boyfriend cook?

- Cook? Ha! He can't even make . I have to boil the water before we go to bed so he only has to heat it up in the morning ...

Three men, all in their mid-90's, are being visited at the residential home they live in by a who is administering memory tests.
The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?�
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?�
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday"

: - How much do you weigh?

Me: - I ... I'd rather not tell ...

: - Alright, meet me halfway: Just the first two digits

My herd of cows produce more milk when they're happy

So I took them to the moo'vies

Terrible weather outside.
It's storming and raining like crazy

So I checked if my 84-year-old neighbour needed anything from the grocery store.
Luckily she did

So I gave her my shopping list.

I mean, there is no reason for both of us to go out in that kind of weather

And we are here to help each other if we can, right?

Wife is on the phone with the insurance man.

- What? You can't just give me another car! I was expecting to have the insurance sum paid out in cash!

- Those are the rules, ma'am. If we can find a car in similar condition, we do not have to pay compensation.

- In that case I would like to cancel my husband's life insurance ...

A man picks his nose and says :- I thought it was blood ? but it'snot

Just had a discussion with the wife.
All of a sudden she said: "Sorry you're right".

What the hell do I do now?

The missus took sick on Sunday so I had to cook.
Monday we had sausages.
Tuesday we had left over sausages.
Wednesday we had sausages.
Thursday we had leftover sausages.
On Friday she felt so much better that she could cook herself.
Shows sausages cure everything

My wife said:- love me, love me and hurt me!

So I had sex twice and hit her with an house-brick!