h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

yah can't beat bosom buddies

The inept nerd married a nuclear software engineer who made great fission chips, she was his bride and booter.

Dutch shoes used to be made in a factory machine, until it got clogged up.

Bauxite refining is a secret carefully guarded by the aluminati.

Did you hear about the owl that fell for twin comedians and had two wits to woo?

The haughty magician had illusions of grandeur.

I fell in love with a hotty, but she was too haughty to love me back.

she had a face that could launch a thousand ships and she'd used itsaved smashing champagne bottles

OOOh Prof, that was a bit below the deck and rather astern pun.

She behaved much like a sailing ship of old: She showed her topsides, hid her bottom and whenever she came into port she immediately headed for the buoys

Anchor! was the boys' cry when she arrived.

if they got too close, she was a clipper

Who scoffed "ketch me if you can".

I went and saw the Hobbit, it put a Smaug look on my face.

A sign at a cemetery reads, 'No Trespassing, Violators Will Face Grave Charges'.

You got to be careful of corn at night. They can be early creepy with their husky voices and seedy appearance. Why, they even cob right out and tell you to shuck it right to your face.

The man who worked at the watch factory was very funny. He stood about all day making faces.

Two geologists were staring at a huge fissure in a cliff face and one was overheard to say 'It's not my fault'.

Those who defy the agent of death will face Grim Reaper-cussions.

the final of the zombie 100 meters was a dead heat