h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I caught my wife cheating the day she came home in a bolero that wasn't her own. It was Ravel's

When composers were kids, one of their favourite games was Haydn seek.

- Why are you constantly wearing that turban, are you ill?
- No, I am sikh

I think I'll caste that one aside.

I tried to join a circus as a novelty act, they didn't want a phloem thrower

My uncle, the fire eater, was frequently accused of lying, but in fact his pants were only on fire because he'd farted

So that's why your uncle looked so ashen; he'd been fired.

Aye, he attempted to improve his act by eating chili peppers but it backfired so to speak and he went down in flames

Was that when the chipotle hit the fan?

A man was found dead in a vat of falafel condiment. Police are treating it as a hummuscide.

My neighbour just got the part for Scrooge in a local performance. I'd love to go see him, but that play scares the Dickens out of me.

The almanac of famous ghosts is a real Boos Who.

I knew that the spirit couldn't float around very long. What ghost up must come down.

Two brothers collaborated on haunted stories, but one was a ghost writer.

A lupine dancer is a steppin' wolf.

History's earliest scam was perpetrated by a Neanderthal, the first con-cave man.

Since I bought the majority of shares in a fruit wine company I have become big in cider trading

do you have to pay vat ?

They will *not* be getting my collection of Vat 69

One well known military fan of drink was of course, General Haig, a friend of Johnny Walker who had Dimples as a baby.
Pets? well he had Black and White dogs too.