h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...feeling the story drag a bit, decided to help out. They walked to the nearest magic shop, and while the girl distracted the salesclerk by singing 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road' backwards and in E-major whilst juggling rubber chickens and riding unicycles made entirely of Bob Evans Breakfast Sausage, the boy stealthily made of with a box of "Betty Crocker Location Spell Mix" which advertised happily on the side of the box that it "Makes perfect location spells every time - so simple even a wizard can use it!"

Running back to the old wizard, they attempted to give him the mix, but he brushed them off rudely, saying "Go away, can't you see I'm busy!?!?" So they gave the location spell mix to a passing hitman, who...

...out of his own curiosity decided to find Elvis, his reasoning being, that if the King WAS in fact alive, he could sell the story and photographs to the tabloids for squillions of pounds, and set up a rest home for people who had a fear of Bob Evans breakfast sausuges as a result of making them into unicycles and riding them singing Follow the yellow brick roed in E-major. (Apparently the number of people with such fears had increased 3000% since this story began...)
Anyway the hitman closed his eyes and said "I wish to locate Elvis"
With a puff of a lovely colour blue/green smoke that had the aroma of Pina Colada he found himself in England, the land where pissed means drunk, face to face with Elvis Pinkwhistle the hairy arsed truck mechanic.
"Oh bugger and bollocks" he said, wrong guy.
However this Elvis proved to be a VERY useful hairy arsed truck mechanic to know because......

.. he was the brother of the Wizard.. a wizard himself who worked as a hairy arsed mechanic purely as a disguise as he was in hiding from the Confederation Of Dastardly Wizards due to crimes more heinous than even they would countenance.
And, unlike his brother, he was quite keen on doing good these days and being nice and not chasing naked youths about, having seen the error of his ways one lonely night in a karoke bar. But...

...even the most rehabilitated dastardly wizard may have an occasional relapse, and this particular wizard had been one of the dastardliest. It was a little known fact that he had singlehanded been responsible for the Bob Evans Breakfast Sausage Unicycle epidemic, and had also made the original spell transposing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" backwards in E major.

He also happened to have a severe hatred of hitmen who liked Elvis, and the fact that the hitman thought he was THE Elvis didn't change his feelings one bit.

So he decided that while he would be a good wizard and not call down any dastardly magic on the hitman, there was no harm in being just a plain old dastardly kind of regular hairy arsed mechanic, and breaking someone's face with a monkey wrench.

So he immediately swung his monkey wrench and bashed in the nose of the person standing behind him, an unfortunate soul who had just wandered by in search of a restroom. Then he turned to the hitman with a big smile on his face, his aggression having been worked off for the time being. "May I help you?" he asked politely.

"Er, yes," said the hitman, "Could I possibly interest you in a copy of Elvis singing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" backwards and in E-major whilst juggling rubber chickens and riding a unicycle made entirely of Bob Evans Breakfast Sausage?"

The hitman's reflexes probably saved his life, as he was already moving backwards when the ham sized mechanic's fist reached his face. And even though it looked like he flew clear across the street, actually, he bounced twice.

The mechanic/wizard couldn't resist just one tiny dastardly spell, so he...

...turned the hitman into a kangaroo so he could bounce even better. The kangaroo immediately...

found his guide to see what to do in this kinds of situations. He was not really used to being a kangaroo, and had some problems controlling his jumps...

Meanwhile, the girl with the caleidoscope-eyes decided that it was too cold to walk around naked, after all autumn was coming.
"We have to get some clothes" she said to the boy. "Why don't you go and steal us some, honey?"

Eager to follow her directions, but unfortunately not having improved too much in the brains department, the boy darted into a nearby grocery store and made straight for the aisle containing the honey. Quickly he grabbed a large jar and proceeded toward the exit, where he remembered much too late that without clothes, it is very difficult to conceal a large jar of honey on one's person. As he sprinted out the door, he heard several angry voices shouting after him....

"Road brick yellow the follow, follow follow follow follow, road brick yellow the follow, road brick yellow the follow!"

Suddenly a rubber chicken flew past his ear, he looked behind him and a whole swarm of mauve weasels on unicycles made of Bob Evans breakfast sausage were surging down upon him. This is why they kept dropping rubber chickens as its hard to juggle when pursuing someone.

Suddenly the girl leapt to his side...

and snatched a sub machine gun off a passing Barbadian policeman who was heading towards the meat counter to inspect the liver. The girl
proceeded to blow away the weasels. In the confusion that followed the boy and girl ran out of the shop leaving behind them a smouldering pile of weasel guts, sausage and unicycles and taking with them a large jar of honey. Meanwhile the wizard....

...(the wizard who had turned the hitman into a kangaroo, that is) went back to his work, humming peacefully and ignoring the ever more frantic kangaroo behind him, who was having absolutely no luck finding out anything about kangaroos in this blasted Earth Edition of the guide.

Meanwhile, the _other_ wizard...

thought it was the right time for a singalong and started to sing:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm O.K.
I sleep al night and I work all day.

A bunch of canadian mounties popped up from nowhere and...

.. were all very polite about thier inconsiderate sudden appearance and offered to be of assistance if they possibly could...

The wizard wondered if he was going to tell them to go eating someones liver, but instead he remembered that his magic receipt needed 2 liters of canadian blood, taken from the main puls..
And since the guests were canadian, he smiled sweetly, saying:
"Yes, that would be very nice... "

..."if at all possible, could I please have one of your lumberjack outfits as this wizardy robe number is not only very uncomfortable but it also makes my bum look VERY fat, and the star and moon shapes on the robe are so very out of date"
With that, one of the lumberjacks whipped off his clothes to give to the wizard, not caring at all that all he was left wearing was a black lacy bra with matching thong, stockings and suspenders.
The wizard quickly changed, feeling much better. He then had a cunning plan, he now didn't look like a wizard so perhaps he could mingle in with the crowd so much easier, and therefore put his next cunning plan into action. Now this plan was by far the most cunning of them all, in fact he surprised himself at just how dastardly it was. All he now needed to carry out such a fiendish and brutal plan was just 3 ingriedients for his spell.
The required ingredients were....

A large jar of honey. The wizard looked around and discovered some vilain had stolen the last one. Luckily for him it didn't take him too long to find a terminal and he accessed the greatest source of wizardy knowledge he knew, The Hitchhikers Guide 2 The Galaxay online.
He looked up any alternatives for the honey and amazingly the guide came up with ...

Waffles. Why waffles were an acceptable substitute for honey he had no idea, as he missed the day in wizard college where they explained these things. He had been busy practicing turning people's eyes into fruit. He frantically searched for an IHOP...

Meanwhile, the kangaroo had finally gotten something to come up in the guide on kangaroos, and excitedly read that they cannot jump backwards. This was so earthshattering that he completely forgot he wasn't really supposed to be a kangaroo, and began lobbying for backwards rights for all marsupials.

Meanwhile, the kangaroo had finally gotten something to come up in the guide on kangaroos, and excitedly read that they cannot jump backwards. This was so earthshattering that he completely forgot he wasn't really supposed to be a kangaroo, and began lobbying for backwards rights for all marsupials.