h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As the girl struggled to get into the wet jeans, the boy pulled out his Global Wizard Locator, which told him the wizard was 'thattaway', so he traded the locator to a passing weasel for two bus tickets in that direction.

"Oh, by the way..." he told the girl haughtily, "...I do have a name, if you had read the whole story you would know my name is Gringle the Purple, my mother is dead, my father's name is Tallulah, and if you lob his liver you'll go to jail, so there!"

Just then the bus pulled up, so they boarded and found a seat. As soon as they sat down, the old woman in the seat ahead of them turned around and said...

"He who boards the Bus of Death must answer me these questions three, ere his destination he see.

"WHAT...is your name?"

To which he replied "I'm not going to tell you because this sounds suspiciously like something from 'Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail', and I didn't like the way that scene ended."
"Well in that case," said the woman...

said,
"I did know that your name was Gringle the Purple, I had merely forgotten it over the last three weeks worth of convoluted collective history, and by the way, what an incredibly ridiculous name. I think it's even worse than...

"Tallulah?" The boy asked eagerly.

"I was going to say Elvis, but Tallulah will do" The girl continued crossly.

"Right, well there you are, then." The boy said sadly.

At this point, Reason, Sense, and The Laws of Physics got tired of trying to follow this convoluted plot line, and stepped out together in search of a good Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, which would hopefully open up a chance for something really interesting to happen...

But Reason was knocked of his feet by the Pan Galactic Gargleblaster, Sense became quite senseless and after thinking about becomming nonsense settled for 'Tallulah'. Feeling light in the head was a new feeling for The Law of Physics and after standing up it discovered it's head was actually rather heavy and it sat down again looking confused to a small bowl of roasted nuts. At the other end of the bar four ghouly types where watching this and wondered if they should order a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster themselves. For the record the four happened to be 'Pestilence','War','Hunger' and 'Death' who had been succesfully using this bar for hidding from authors looking for inspiration.
They decided to....

The Wizard ahhad been pondering on how to escape from the prison cell... And then he slapped himself about the head somewhat for being *such* afool.. and he changed himself into a mouse which enabled him to slip undetected through small chinks in the prison walls and to then rematerialize as himself the Wiz outside the prison (obviously at a safe distance)
So he did all this and wondered why oh why oh why hwe hadn't thought of it before...

At that point a bus pulled up beside him and off jumped the boy and the girl. "Aha!", said the boy, "Aha!", said the Wizard, "aaargh!", said the girl as she stepped on a large piece of liver. "Now, I insist you tell me what is going on", said the boy. "No", said the Wizard, "I think that first we should get out of here", looking towards a group of Barbadian policemen runnning towards them. They leapt onto the bus and looking out the back window saw the police being attacked by a Gam of purple weasels.
"OK", said the boy, "What is going on?".
"Well" said the Wizard, "I lied to you, your name is not Gringle the Purple - it is Arthur. And my name is Merlin. In a time long ago I sent you as a baby into the future to protect you from those who would have you dead. Unfortunately the adoptive parents I chose for you turned out to be less than reliable. Now I have come to take you back. Unfortunately my presence here is causing ripples in the space time continuum which is making strange things happen. For example there is a hole into a universe populated only by mauve and purple weasels and it is getting bigger. We must return to my time as soon as possible".
"What a load of old crap!" said the boy. "What have you been taking?". At this point the girl turned to him and said...

I really must get my ears tested I thought he said causing Nipples in time...

The boy didn't answer. He turned to the Wizard and said:
"I'm sorry, but you've been tying me to a chair, turned my eyes into fruit, and now you expect me to go back in time with you??? No Way!"
He grabbed the girl, and jumped inside the first taxi he saw.
"That guy is crazy," he declared. "I don't believe anything he says, and from now on he's out of our lives!"

The boy didn't answer. He turned to the Wizard and said:
"I'm sorry, but you've been tying me to a chair, turned my eyes into fruit, and now you expect me to go back in time with you??? No Way!"
He grabbed the girl, and jumped inside the first taxi he saw.
"That guy is crazy," he declared. "I don't believe anything he says, and from now on I want him out of our lives!"

At which, the girl replied quite hesitantly,

"Do we have a relationship then? One that goes beyond our mutual hatred of liver-lobbing and Bob Evans Breakfast Sausage?"

The boy thought for a moment, then looked at her suspiciously.

"Do you know, I don't even know your name! I am pretty sure that I'm still Gringle The Purple, possibly also Arthur, but I am also pretty sure that we haven't been formally introduced!" He seemed at bit perturbed at this latest development, realizing that the odds of his large-breasted lady friend having an oddly ridiculous name were quite good. The girl shrugged.

"Well, of course, my name is..."

Lucy". "And your surname?.." said the boy cautiously. "Intheskywithdiamonds" said the girl. "That figures", said the boy. "Well it's nice to know you Lucy - especially in the biblical sense". The girl looked at him fondly with her kaleidoscope eyes and was just about to throw her arms around him when....

Ken (whose last name was Tuckeyfriedchicken) said "I thought you loved me, Lucy", to which Lucy replied, "Stop stalking me, you pervert"

"Damn" Said the boy whose name might be Arthur. " I should have made him turn my eyes into normal before we left."
"Never mind," Lucy said, panically trying to make Ken vanish in the air, when, suddenly, a kangaroo turned up....

furiously waving a sign about and trying to hop backwards. Upon further inspection, the sign read "Equal Rights For Marsupials- Give Kangaroos Backwards-Hopping Freedom!"

Suddenly, the kangaroos pouch began to open, and out popped- what else- a mauve weasel with a rubber chicken under one arm and a package of Bob Evan's Breakfast Sausage under the other. The weasel quickly exited the scene, muttering "road, brick, yellow, the, follow". The kangaroo rubbed his pouch and thought, "I was wondering what was itching in there" and momentarily forgot his crusade.

Lucy turned back to Possibly Arthur, her eyes wheeling with renewed desire, when suddenly a large shemale ran over the couple and embraced P.A. "I forgive you," she/he said, nearly smothering P.A. with the enormous red feathered boa draped jauntily about her/his shoulders.

"Dad...I mean Tallulah!" gasped the boy breathlessly. "But...how can you still be alive after I ate your liver? Will someone please tell me what is going on?" he demanded for not the first time of late--in fact, as he said it he experienced an eerily familiar feeling of deja vu.

Meanwhile....

Another splendidly dressed person of questionable gender burst upon the scene (as splendidly attired people are wont to do) and cried,
"Tallulah!"
At which Tallulah turned and answered,
"Biff?"
The girl merely kaleidoscope-eyed the newest newcomer's impeccable taste in evening wear, while the boy tried to slink out of his father's rather firm (firm at least for someone recently having a liver cannibalized by his own offspring), spitting boa feathers and brushing away sequins.

"Biff?" said Ken, "Ken?" said Biff. "Who the hell is he?" cried Tallulah. "What is going on?" said the boy desperately. "Shut up Arthur" said Ken, "and by the way, you look much younger than last time I met you". At this last comment the boy screamed "Shut up all of you" at which point a gam of purple weasels appeared and started tearing at the (collective noun) of transvestites clothing. "We've got to get out of here" said the boy to Lucy and grabbed her hand and jumped onto a conveniently passing purple bus. Meanwhile Merlin ...

cursed himself for having send the boy into the 20th century, where it would be impossible to convince him that he actually was The Arthur.

Meanwhile Possibly Arthur and Lucy tried to escape again. Tallulah ran after them, and after him followed Biff.
The weasel, the kangaroo and Ken was left behind, and Ken was desperately trying to figure out who he was.