h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

my chopsticks. "No wait, I have those. I forgot to bring my Salty Lime Juice. By the way I don't mind mauve weasles, but I like to them to wear Xena costumes." With a wave of his hand the french maid outfit disappears and is replaced by a skin tight Xena costume (which ironically doesn't look as good on weasles as it does on Xena).

"I think I'll put another hit on someone." "Hmmm who should it be?" "Oh I know, I'll put a hit on...

"...this weasel!"

"But you're already hitting on me," said the weasel.

"Oh, shut up and let me work my magic," said the wizard as he advanced on the bed. Suddenly....

The wizard remembered that he still wasn't entirely sure what the weasel had said, and, given that everything that he'd heard in foreign languages recently had been insults, he should probably figure out what it was before he proceeded with something that was clearly wrong to the outside viewer. He conjured up an iMac and checked BabelFish, which gave him "Hé the big boy, take pepperoni while I clean your shoe of roller magic." as the translation. That wasn't particularly helpful, so he decided to continue his tactic of turning the boy's eyes into fruit. The boy wasn't actually present, but that didn't matter. So he turned the boy's eyes into blueberries, unknowingly ruining the mice's profitable lime business. They swore revenge...

...to the wizard, but just before they were going to raise their tiny micy voices, a genius thought came to one of them (or the three of them) -- if the wizard had power and time to turn some boy's eyes into a fruit salad, why don't they make him turn their blind eyes into something seeing... and then they would change... and whole story would change... and there might not be a wizard, and a boy, and even those nasty sausages... there might even not be a story... That thought depressed the mice so much that...

(It's actually the Babelfish translation of "Hey big boy, have some pepperoni while I clean your magic roller skates," proving that it's not a good idea to translate things word-for-word.)

...they all went to study yoga with the lemmings.

Meanwhile, in a small bar in a non-descript Jamaican village, a young boy with bluberry eyes formerly known as limes knew that once again his old arch-nemesis the wizard was up to no good.

And -purely coincidental, I'm sure- at that same moment, in a sleazy motel in Cleveland, a red light started blinking on a phone line to room 213, occupied by someone who had registered only as "Tallulah".

And so it came to pass an unemployed TBM hitman in New Guinea happened to step into a police box that he had never noticed in his living room before and wound up in a sleazy motel room in Cleveland listening to the latest hit single of someone screaming on a tinny old am radio. No one was there, but he found a note that read...

"My son, I can no longer deal with the fact that you ate my liver. The therapy isn't helping, and besides, it's expensive and I don't have Biff to pay for it anymore. Have decided there isn't room enough for both of us in this town so..."

"Hey! You're not my son! Who are you? How dare you read my personal messages, you illegitimate spawn of an animal food trough wiper!"

Loudly cursing the idiot who invented recipient keyed smart paper, the hit man...

...farted in its general direction, and then ran about for a while in a silly knees-bent manner. However, since this accomplished nothing, he decided to smash the radio. Who in their right mind would listen to AM anyway? Without further ado, he picked up the radio and threw it against the wall, upon hitting which (to his great surprise) it exploded, producing a great cloud of smoke, out of which stepped...

...the Mighty Genie of AM-radios.
"Thanks, man", said the Genie, "it was mighty kind of you to let me out. Now I'm going to grant you all the wishes you want, as long as they don't include weasels in any way whatsoever."

The hit man thought for a minute and said:"OK, I've got it. What I want most of all is..."

to be able to look pretty in a satin dress and to be able to wear stilleto heels.

But enough of those silly girlish thoughts.
I have more important matters to attend to. I must find the boy with the blueberry eyes and seek his help.

While the hitman was leaving the room, the genie turned his clothes into a stunning black satin dress and matching stilleto heels.
The hitman was unaware of this, but he did look quite fetching.

The hitman thought to himself as went in search of the boy with the blueberry eyes; I must find him, I need his help to assassinate the Danish King.
I must do this because...

...if I don't the King will pop up again and get that damn wizard all excited who will pull another of his magic stunts and at that rate I'll never work again! Life was much easier when all I ever did was kill people!

With that, he kicked a nearby police box, then wandered around asking everyone if they had seen a boy with blueberry eyes and wondering why everyone kept telling him what a lovely dress that was.

The genie shrugged, then picked up the pieces of the am radio and walked off muttering...

Meanwhile, weasels were planning their revenge on the wizard. They were not sure wether they should eat his liver, or to change his eyes into limes, but after a lot of thinking they figured out that none of those options would be satisfying enough.
The furry little animals put their heads together, and one of them said, with an evil little smile:
"I know what we are going to do. We are going to......"

Get the universe completely pissed again and hope maybe he implodes. So they set out to create the largest vodka martini (shaken, not stirred) in the multiverse, figuring the universe was suave. Unbeknownst to them, however, it preferred jello shots...

At that moment, a voice from the police box shouted "All right, put your hands over your head, and step away from the martini!" Everyone lined up along the wall, not noticing that the police box had once again disappeared.

The hitman, who was just passing though, was suddenly accosted by Biff the construction worker, who admired his dress then invited him over for...

...tea and crumpets.

Somewhere in Jamaica a boys blueberry eyes met up with this girl with kalaidescope eyes. ...

They staired longly into each other eyes (which was rather dificult to do). The boy then put on a Ricky Martin record and together they started Living La Vida Loca.

They made sweet love while drinking salty lime juice.

While they were involved in their naughty love making, the weasles busted into their room, with machine guns blazing...

"Oh, you again.... " muttered the boy, and pushed the girl aside.
"Listen," he continued. "As you can see, I am a bit busy here.. can't we talk later?"
The evil Weasel, who's name actually was E.W, just grinned meanly. All the weasels remembered the plan about getting the entire Universe pissed off, and before the kids knew what had hit them, they were tied up and put into a wooden cage.
"Wait," cried the girl."Let me at least have my clothes!"
The weasels did not answer, and her caleidoscope eyes were blinking, because she was so angry!
"Are you not aware," she shouted, in a harsh voice, "That I know the Danish Royal Family????"

"Of course I know that!" said E.W., "Who do you think ordered us to come get you!"

"Oops" said the boy. "Maybe I shouldn't have called the King a 'pompous overbearing fart-sniffing sheep loving twit!"

The girls kaleidescope eyes whirled angrily (and colorfully), and she planted a healthy kick in the boy's crotch. "You idiot" she cried, "You mentioned sheep in front of the Queen? The King has been pulling the wool over her eyes for years now, he's not going to like it that you blew his cover! We'll probably be sent to the..."

"...United Kingdom, a godforsaken place where 'pissed' means 'drunk' and not 'angry!' How will I ever survive there? Why, they don't even have kangaroos!" And with that, she began to sob into the boy's shirt, which made a rather convenient handkerchief. In an attempt to console her, the boy....

Attempted to sing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" backwards in E-major whilst juggling rubber chickens and riding a unicycle made entirely of Bob Evans Breakfast Sausage. Unfortunately, the cage was too small for that sort of thing and there wasn't any breakfast sausage (let alone Bob Evans) or rubber chickens and the boy couldn't sing in E-major and didn't know the words to "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" (let alone backwards). So he had to settle with hugging her and saying "it'll be alright" and things to that effect. Which worked a good deal better than the whole convoluted thing would have, as the boy wasn't Belgian anyway. Then, out of the shadows, came...