h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Stop!" cried a passing animal welfare activist.

"You can't treat weasles like that!"

So, very reluctanly, the boy unwrapped the weasels from around his neck, unslung them with a quick (but gentle) flick from the overhead beam and, cautiously, climbed down from the back of the twelfth weasel and proceeded to tell the activist, from the begining, what a truly apalling day he'd been having so far...

At this point the Wizard, who had been watching the boy's escape attempt with some astonishment, interjected - "Excuse me, but this is my bloody prisoner and I don't want him stolen by some namby-pamby animal rights activist who can't even spell 'Weasels' properly!". He then turned the activist into a laboratory rat and disected him. The wizard then turned to the boy (who was no longer a scarecrow because that was silly) and said....

..."Don't go turning into characters from cheesy musical versions of L. Frank Baum stories. It's irritating and kind of creepy. And just what do you expect me to do with all of this breakfast sausage?"...

"Well, it's still in the form of a unicycle, isn't it? So why don't you ride it around for a bit while juggling rubber chickens, hmmmm?"

And with that the boy crossed his arms indignantly and turned his back on the wizard--which turned out to be a very stupid idea because....

...the wizard was still a bit cross about being kicked in the nuts. So he teleported in front of the boy in a flash of light and vanilla-scented smoke and hauled off and kicked him in the nuts. The boy fell over, clutching his injured gonads. The wizard snapped his fingers and the boy was back in the chair and tied up with sausage. "You deserved that, so don't go glaring at me," said the wizard. "I said stop that! Cut it out!" The boy continued to glare...

So the wizard turned his eyeballs into grapefruit. The boy felt that his life couldn't get any worse when...

(BTW Zomak isn't qualified to call himself a wizard)

A wrecking ball came crashing through the side of whatever building he was in, knocking him out of his chair and heading straight for the wizard. The boy...

...sadly couldn't see what had hit him since his eyes were still grapes. Trembling, he curled into a fetal ball and began singing very softly in an effort to comfort himself. Unfortunately, this didn't work too well since the first song that came into his head was a very depressing one about a man with grapes for eyes who was crushed by a wrecking ball while lying on the floor surrounded by Bob Evans breakfast sausage. Meanwhile, the wizard....

... was desperately trying to remember the plot. He brushed a squashed weasel off his shoulder and picked the boy up off the floor. "Now will you stop kicking me in the nuts and tell me what your problem is again!". "I will if you give me my eyes back" said the boy. The Wizard agreed and listened to the boy repeating the story about his mother comitting suicide and his father 'Tallulah'. At this point the Wizard interrupted and said "You don't mean Tallulah Winterbottom from Nelson Mandela Street do you?"....

"No," the boy responded. "I mean Tallulah Patchula Haiku from Birdsnest Island."

The boy pondered silently for a moment. "And by the way," he said, "do you remember what my name is?"

"Yes!! do you know him...err..her, then?" asked the boy. "As a matter of fact," said the wizard, "The last time I saw him, he borrowed my favorite chartreuse dressing gown. It has rullfled sleeves and fish sequins. It was a gift from my brother. I'ld like to have it back!!"

Sorry, Annonymouse, my pc went on hyper slow.

********

next guy can pick his frame

Luna.

Yes, my boy your name is Gringle the Purple- you thought that Tallulah was your Dad - but NO .

I am your real father, cackled the evil wizard, and I'm going to kill you because you're more powerful than me...

"No I'm not," said the boy. "You've got me confused with Edward the Incredibly Powerful Manic-Depressive. He lives just down the street." "Yeah...that's right. Forgive me if I seem like a raving nutter, it's not east being a wiz...Hey! Wait a minute!" exclaimed the wizard...

..."there is no Edward the Incredibly Powerful Manic-Depressive! Will your foul lies never cease? Now you must die a horrible death!" With burning eyes he advanced on the boy, who...

...said "Habe ich die Tatsache erwähnt, daß Sie Esel saugen?"

"What on Jupiter did that mean?" exclaimed the wizard, who had labored for many years to forget what little German he had once known, and seriously suspected the boy was simply stalling for time.

Which stopped the wizard in his tracks. The look which crossed his face was full of...

(Okay, once again the next person gets to take their pick. But could somebody please translate for me?)

Suddenly, the wizard remembered the internet. He quickly conjured up an iMac with a T1 line and logged onto http://babelfish.altavista.com and typed in the german. It responded with "DID I MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU SUCK DONKEYS?" as the translation. "That's horribly rude!" said the wizard, and promptly turned the boy's eyes into strawberries, to match the iMac.