h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Living it, loving it, laughing it, swimming it

Sorry, I went all Tom Waits there

I reckon everyone in customer service is living that one

"Do you have 'I just called to say I love you?'"

Dick and Barry are superb in that. The book makes a mighty fine transition to the film which makes a change.

Liam.

We buy DVD's too - if it's out on DVD and someone sells us a copy, I'll be sure to sign it out and watch it

And I haven't even begun yet on the customers who come in or phone up and ask if I know this song, and then launch into a tuneless snippet that could be anything from Beethoven's 5th to 'Firestarter'

Thie family came up looking for a foreign language-learning software pkg. for their son. Father, mother, older son, younger son.

I show the father a few ones but recommend one in particular. I hold it out to him.... he just looks vaguely at it, so I set it down on the shelf in its place. He takes it off the shelf and looks at it. "So, you recommend this one?"

"Yes, I do..."

He puts it down one shelf down in front of a different type of software. I pick it up and put it in its place.

His oldest son picks it up and looks at it while I talk to the mother about the various attributes of each type of software. Son puts it down one shelf down in front of the other type of software. I pick it up and put it in its place.

Mother picks up the piece of software, looks vaguely at it, asks "So, you recommend this one?" and puts it down one shelf down in front of a different type of software. I pick it up and put it in its place.

Youngest son picks it up and looks at it while I talk to the father about the various attributes of each type of software. Son puts it down one shelf down in front of the other type of software. I pick it up and put it in its place.

Repeat, repeat, repeat..... Keep in mind that the whole time, they are watching me put it where it belongs....

Finally, they decide NOT to purchase ANY software and start to leave the department.....

Youngest walks back from the entrance, son picks up the software again and puts it down one shelf down in front of the other type of software.

I pick it up, glare at him, and slam it in its place.

I mentally get out the family of Voodoo dolls....

Whenever someone sells us cd's, or whenever someone wants to listen to cd's, we take their driving licence.

In the case of selling cd's it's a requirement by the local police department that we get someone's details from a valid photo ID because, like pawnbrokers, we pay cash, and we fall into the category of pawnbrokers as far as the cops are concerned. It works too - we've had people led out of the store in handcuffs for trying to sell us stolen goods.

In the case of the listening stations it's to get some collateral because customers can have up to five cd's ($50 worth) out of the security cases to listen to. If they leave with the cd's they don't get their licence back - it goes to the cops, along with a complaint for theft.

And yet there are regular customers who *know* that I'm going to need their licence for one of those two things, yet I still have to ask them for it. Their are times when two people will walk up to the listening stations with cd's - I'll ask the first one for their licence, get it, and hand them their cd's, and the second one will watch this procedure. And I'll *still* have to ask them for their licence before letting have their discs.

I don't work in a shop, but do own some navy blue T-shirts with collars, much like the HMV uniform, only without the pink writing.

Couple of years ago I was flicking through the CDS in HMV in meadowhall while wearing one of the aforementioned T shirts, and someone came up and asked me "Excuse me, where are the comedy videos", so I turned round and said "I don't work here" and gave her directions anyway.

For one horrific 6-week period, I sold knock-off sunglasses in a mall during a summer break at college for a little extra spending cash. Some of the more memorable moments:

-A guy who insisted he get his money back after his pair of sunglasses broke; something we didn't normally do without having the customer mail in a certificate, etc. but I did make an occasional exception if the situation warranted it. So I ask for the receipt to confirm purchase.

Him: "Receipt? It obviously came from here! I want my money back for these things!"

Me: "Sir, do you know of any business which would give you a return without a receipt proving your purchase?"

He threw the glasses at me and advanced towards me. He turned and left quickly when he saw I was grabbing the phone to alert security.

-A woman one day saw that the glasses were knockoffs and spent a good 2 or 3 minutes yelling to the customers around me that the glasses I was selling weren't "real" Guccis, or Killer Loops and that they should all leave.

One of those customers asked me if they were indeed knockoffs. I told him outright: "If you want to spend $100 for a pair of brand names, be my guest. If you want to pay 1/10 that amount for sunglasses that last as long, look as good, and have the same level of UV protection, be my guest."

He bought 2 pairs and the woman left, obviously frustrated. It was nice.

-A woman had a problem with defective sunglasses and I bent over backwards to help her out over a period of two days, her coming to the kiosk 3 times.

She had the nerve to complain to the mall that I was rude and unhelpful and that I should be fired. That was 3 days before I was to leave anyhow, so nothing came of it.

But the best thing was seeing her less than a week later at the same mall (where I was puchasing something or other... a shirt, I think). She gave me a smarmy look and I just waved with a pleasant smile and said "Hi, Michelle Myers!" She looked shocked and hurried away.

You see, when you make a complaint to the mall (in Pennsylvania, anyhow), you have to give your name, address, and phone #, and the employee has the right to see everything you wrote, including those items. My advice is to remember that. I still have her complaint somewhere, just waiting for me to forward it on.

Oh, and if anyone knows someone by that name in Lancaster, PA, tell her she's a rude b***h.

At my last retail job (art supplies) we had a customer by the name of Mrs. Smiley... You can bet that not only was she not "smiiley, she was a complete and utter b!tch.

The first time she came in looking for picture frames. She wanted a particular sized frame in a particular shade of silver. We were out of stock, so I called all the stores. none to be had. So I called the warehouse and they could do a rush job for the 6 frames she wanted. I said I would fax with the sizes and color.

I went over the order several times and since she seemed very sort of wishy-washy about the color, the size, etc., etc., i checked several times to make sure everything was to her satisfaction. Finally, I asked her a final time if everything was ok because I was going to send the fax of the order off and I wanted her to be sure... "Yes." she said.

So, up I go... fax off the order, and return..... "Oh," she says, "I decided I want the smaller size.... Containing my "glee" at having to race off to the phone and catch the order before the warehouse guys left for the day, I asked "Are you sure.... Remember the smaller size is only as big as the picture, the larger includes the size of the matt, and I am sure you want the larger..."

"NO!" she snaps at me... "the smaller size!"

OKAYYYYYYY... I run to the phone cancel the initial order and tell him I will refax him with the correct order because I am sure she has the sizes wrong and I am going to get her to check before I waste her time, my time, and the time of the guy who makes up the frames. Then I ask her to call me as soon as she can after she has checked the size. I will reorder them when she does. I give her my card.

She also buys two frames which I suggest are also the wrong size but she is sure are correct. I tell her if they are the wrong size, she is more than welcome to return them.

She putters about the store for the next 2 HOURS all the while asking questions not being particularily lpleased with the answers, and then finally leaves the store. I find my card stuffed in a book.

An hour later she calls and says "You ordered the wrong size. I need the larger size..." I roll my eyes, but send the order off immediately.

The next day she is back with the two frames she purchased and asks to see the manager. I get the manager and she turns to the manager and says "THAT (pointing at me and glaring) woman sold me the wrong sized frames. I want my money back!"

I seethe in the back room until she finally leaves 1/2 an hour later.

When I finally emerge, I am told that not only did she say I "solde her the wrong sized frames", but I was "Extremely rude and unhelpful".

Then! She wanted to buy some watercolors which had been on sale two weeks before but weren't now, at the sale price and then wanted a further discount because the last time she had come in, she had gotten a parking ticket because she "didn't know she had to put moneyin the meters" (It is on-street parking monitored by the city) and she thinks we "should have warned her".

The manager is so intimidated by her that she gives her the sale price, and the discount!

Two weeks later when her frames come in, I call her to that the frames she ordered were in. "What frames?" she asks

I relate the whole order and she says "You must have misunderstood...." and slams the phone down....

Yep... Smiley by name $*^$*$*#)$* by nature....

Bloody hell Mudhooks!

How do you attract these people?

i think you needed that, but don't worry. there is a special place in hades reserved for people like that b*tch.

xx

I admit, I have had some reall lu-lus. However, I have a lot of friends who have had equally weird/funny/stupid/moronic experiences.

In the case of the bookstore, it helped that we were right in the downtown core. Street people, stalkers, mental patients, pedophiles, drunks and substance abusers (everythig from Listerine to crack-cocaine), and shoplifters outnumbered the shoppers at times.

As well, we had a general manager who was so afraid of offending legitimate customers, that he refrained from putting the boot to the people who weren't.

As a result, people walked in with the knowledge that they could do just about anything and come right back the next day. People learned that you could abuse the staff and the GM would grovel... He might have well said "I'm sorry that our staff didn't please you... do come back and abuse them some more....".

How do you lot put up with these things? Gargh! I'm glad I got out of retail when I did...

Mind you, I want to join the police, so no doubt I'll have some 'entertaining' people to deal with then

Well, I finally got out of it all.... I am, at present, a cubicle jockey.... And I do NOT have to deal with the public.

i escaped retail and joined the civil service. i am getting further away from reality every day.

xx

Yes, that's the problem with the government really... every day they become increasingly disconnected with reality.

A different thread has reminded me of this instance:

It's Wednesday morning - just about our quietest time of the week. After all, we open at 9am... pretty early for a cd store eh? Most people who work in music stores don't like to get up before 10am, and most people in Austin (a town full of musicians) don't like to get up before noon. So it's generally a very laid back and easy to deal with part of the shift.

In walks this bloke at about 9.15 with a cd he wants to exchange. "Do you have the receipt?" I ask him. Yes he does. I look at the cd and the receipt, and ask him if there's a problem with it. "Yeah... it's a bunch of crap. I hated it." So I very politely tell him that we can't let him exchange it because it's a new cd (as opposed to a used one). He could have exchanged it if the disc was faulty, but we don't exchange new cd's just because you don't like the music content.

Of course, he's not best pleased about this. "What do you mean, I can't exchange it. I've got the receipt here." "Well sir, as it says here on our exchange policy..." which is, btw, taped to the counter where people check out "...new cd's can only be exchanged for another copy of the same cd." "Well what good is that? I hate the thing." "We're primarily a used cd store. We'll always exchange used cd's because we can put them back out on the floor and resell them. Once the wrapping comes off a new cd though, we can only sell it as a used cd and we lose around $4. With the number of people who want to return cd's each day that would really add up. We can't afford to do that."

"Alright, alright, done have a cow!!"

That was the point at which he stepped over the line.

"That was pretty bloody rude mate." With a hint of sarcasm he replied "I guess I'm just having a bad day then." Hmmm, I thought - not yet 9.30am and you're already that p****d off? How long have you been up fer cryin' out loud?

So I give him a couple of options. "We can either buy it off you for $5 as a used cd, or we can give you a credit for $8.95, which is what we're going to price it at and put it out for." He decides to take a look around for something else.

A couple of minutes later he comes up to the counter with another new cd which he wants to buy. Ok. We go to the checkout. At this point I just want rid of him. He might be having a bad day, but that's no reason to make the start of my day so s****y. With the $8.95 credit I gave him, there's a balance of something like $5 to pay, so he tosses me his credit card. I process it and give him the slip to sign. "Do you need a bag?" I ask him. "No. Just my credit card." he replies grumpily. "I can't give you that until I verify the signature... which I can't do because the card isn't signed. I'll need to see your driver's licence."

Ain't payback a b*tch

Revenge can be SO sweet!

hey, i'm just a low ranking civil servant in admin! only avoid reality to stay sane. but, if i was in the senior civil service.....................


xx

I love those people who think that the rules are fine if they al\pply to someone else.

The people who want to return something when the policy is no returns on opened merchandise, or exchange only, or store credit.... they want cash. Or the people who payed with a credit card and want cash back when they return it.

You can d@mn well bet that if it was THEIR store there would e\be no refunds period.

I used to hate it back in the days when you had to run credit cards through the chucka-chucka machine and then look the card up in the booklet. If the amount was over a certain amount you would have to call the card company and get authorization. There would be these (usually) business men "in a rush" who would natter at you about how they don't have time for this, etc., etc., as though decided that this was something you personally invented as a way to hold them up.

What I hate is people who fling their credit card or money, or "Interact" (it's INTERAC ---NO T!-- you idjits) card across the counter at you while blathering away on their cell phone, usually in their "Look at me I am important" voice..... studiously ignoring you and the line of people piling up behind them.