h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So I'm standing behind the counter, working on pricing some cd's, wearing a store t-shirt, wearing a store nametag.

Customer: Do you work here?




*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*

Hello, Super Discs, Gosho speaking.
Er, can you tell me where you are?
Yes I can, I'm standing behind the counter.

I always love the "Do you work here?" line.....

I used to have to wear this hideous, bright red polyester suit with the name of my store emblazoned on it. You could be standing on a ladder hanging a sign from the ceiling and you would get the ... "Do you work here?"

Once, 5 of us, all in our bright red uniforms, were standing together in the store. A customer came up and said "Do you work here?"

I said "No, sorry. We are a club that gets together and goes from store to store..."

She wandered off looking VERY confused.

We had this crazy customer we called "The Plastic Lady". She used to wrap plastic bags around her feet, put plastic bags on her hands before picking things off the shelves. She even wrapped plastic dry-cleaners' bags around her body under her clothes. She chewed plastic, and converation was difficult as she stuffed platik in her ears.

She also had this problem with women who wore red. If she say so muchas a red bracelet on a woman she would chase them about screaming "Jezebel!, Jezebel!"

The day we all got our brand-new, bright red polyester uniforms was the last time we saw her in our store....

i used to work for the now defunct radio rentals chain in the uk(we rented tv's and vcrs to people), and as was the custom, we had distinctive navy blue uniforms(sorry career wear). of a lunchtime i would escape to the supermarket across the road whose staff wore brown uniforms. i lost count of the times people came up to me asking where the whatever section was.
one other time i went to a well known high street chemist(not shoes-for uk readers!), and was browsing through the hair dye ranges(again in radio rentals logoed career wear)when some woman came up to me and asked me where something was. i truthfully replied i didn't know and carried on browsing. she then proceeded to harrang me about the complete lack of service i had shown and that she was going to take my name and report me to the store manager. i said certainly, my name is caroline and you can find my manager in radio rentals where she and i both work. now if you excuse me, i'm on my lunch break. i never saw anyone walk away from me so fast.
mind you, the best way i found to get sales was to wear the shortest skirt available and leave the to button of my ever so tasteful(not!)v necked blouse undone........!

xx

(Great thread. Thanks for the laugh everyone )

Oh Daraline... I know what you mean!

When I worked in the aformentioned bookstore, people would walk into my department, look right through me standing at my computer terminal pricing HUGE piles of CDs in my distinctive uniform, wander about for several minutes and leave.... some minutes later a frantic manager would come up with the boob in tow and give you Hell for not "being out on the floor".

However, if I walked into the department store next door (where no one wears uniforms!) with purse over my shoulder and a shopping bag in my hand, I would have 15 people trying to get me to help them... And THEN they would get ticked off when I said I didn't work there.

The best ones were when I would get a call telling me someone was sending up a "lady in a bright green sewater" who needeed help. Up the escalator would come the lady in the bright green sweater. She would stop, scan the floor slowly from right to left, completely missing the huge bleeding archway 10 feet straight ahead of her, with 3 foot letters saying "MULTIMEDIA!", and me standing there in my uniform, then go downstairs (after all of 1 minute) and complain that she had looked for 15 minutes but "couldn't find the Multimedia department".

I loved the people who would come in looking for a computer game.... They would say..... "I don't own a computer. If I put this in my CD player will I be able to play the game?"

When I worked in the local Co-op, we had all the usual regular customers, including one old lady who came in every Friday night to ask if we had gravy browning... which we didn't. Who uses it nowadays anyway? But she'd turn up almost every week...

Then there was the lady from the local chip shop who never brought enough money with her.

And the young woman who was convinced I was going to ID her for buying alcohol. Out comes her photocard driving licence, several credit cards and other things you generally can't get until you're 18, yadda yadda yadda. I call the supervisor.

"What are you doing? I'm 18!! Look at the cards!"

"Yes, I believe you, but I'm not so I can't sell you any alcohol anyway"

The look on her face

Admittedly, that's not as good a story, but I left not long after that because the manager was a complete

Every story is a good story....

We had our version of the "browning" woman... the lady who called to ask for books about "Solar Effects" every week. The first few times I spend ages on the phone with her looking through Books in Print (the days before even microfiche, let alone computers...). Finally, after the umpteenth time I just would take her number and call her later in the day to say... "Sorry, I can't find anything..."

At least you called back... a lot of places I've dealt with wouldn't. What is it about companies who say they'll call you back and then don't (speaking as a consumer rather than an employee of the company in that situation). It's hardly surprising some of them get a bit irate - although a bit more tolerance and understanding all round would be nice I think. But especially from the consumers.

"Excuse me, do you work here?"

"Yes, that's why I'm stacking the shelves."

Oh yes, I've had the 'do you work here' as well. No, i just hang around supermarkets in a grey overall on a saturday morning for fun...

The 'public' as an entity are a bit daft, we collect silly questions from the public at our re-enactment events, 15th Century and we do the full living history bit as well. Our setup usually includes our authentic tents which we live out of for the weekend, a firebase and spit usually with a decent bit of meat on it (like half a sheep or something!) weapons etc etc.

So far the best are:-

'Do you live in tents all the time?'
'Is that real?' pointing to tthe half a sheep over the roaring fire. No, it's plastic, that's why it is melting.
We also convinced them it was an alsatian dog
'Why aren;t the swords sharp' - cos people might lose an arm...
and 'do you use real arrows?' - erm, not for shooting people, no!

I once was at the midwives station on a maternity ward - the phone rings at 4am, I'm a little tired and grumpy as I've been awake since 6:30 the previous morning...

"Hello, Maternity ward..."
"Erm, yes, er, hello - I was wondering if you could help me... I'm looking for a woman, and she's, erm, pregnant... erm, is she on the ward?"

I wait for more info - which of course, doesn't come....

"Well - you're going to have to give me a lot more than that - we have a lot of pregnant women here, after all, we *are* a maternity ward... Now, let's start with some more information - like a name, perhaps?"



Though that was the only time that happened...

It's Saturday afternoon, the place is heaving with people.

"I'd like to sell these cd's"
"Sure, give us... oh, about 20 minutes"
"20 minutes? There's only ten cd's there. It won't take you 20 minutes!. What are you going to do, listen to them?"
"No, I'm going to carry on looking at the cd's belonging to the four other people who brought in cd's to sell ahead of you, then I'm going to look at yours. Take a look around you - it's our busiest time of the week. We're open from 9am until midnight every day of the year, but everyone still comes in on Saturday afternoon."

"I brought some cd's in to sell about 15 minutes ago, have you had a chance to look at them yet?"
"Yeah... now, which ones were yours?"
"It was just a stack of cd's"
"Well, I've got five stacks of cd's here, which one would be yours?"
"Er, I don't know"
"Well, what did you bring in?"
"I brought in a stack of cd's"
"Ok, let me put it another way - what titles were you selling?"
"Oh, I don't know"
"You don't know which cd's you picked up and brought in to sell to us?"
"I don't really remember"

Ouch, that's a nasty one Gosho.

I experienced a varient of the "do you work here" thing in a German department store. I must have been dressed in a similar way to the people working there because 4 people came up to me wanting to know things. One one women wanted to know the price of something... at least I think so because I don't speak German. When I said so, she switched to English and still kept acting as if I worked there.

By the 3rd time it happened I was already on my way out of the store... I was almost at the door when the 4th one "got me".

I've since wondered if it was a German "Candid Camera"-type programme.

Gosho..would you be the subject of High Fidelity???

Fortunately I've spent most of my adult life hidden away int he lab..mainly because the few times I've had to deal with "The General Public" I've had to be restrained!

Great thread!

I used to work in a supermarket. Lots of stories, here's one.

A loud family waddle around my department, their 13 year old kid is being obnoxious and the parents are just as bad, not that they did anything in particular to me, it's just that after working in a place like that, you begin to hate everyone, consider the entire human race scum, and generally want to kill anyone who comes your way.

Anyway, the kid is moaning louder now, I have already passed judgement on them in my mind, they waddle up to me:

"Oi mate!" Shouts the teenager (who, by the way, is hideously ugly and smells). I turn, say nothing, stare the kid in the face like I want to kill him.
"Where's the toilet in 'ere?" He spits. They are behind him - 5 feet away, I can see them. I notice that he really needs to go, he has a pained expression (which makes him look even uglier) and I briefly revel in the thought of his pain.
After a lengthy silence I say "We haven't got any" without so much as a blink. I turn back slowly and get on with whatever I was doing.

I wonder if he pissed himself?

Not very good I know, but I'm saving the best for later.

I have to add that I'm not that judgemental anymore, it just happens in a place like that. People really are scum.

High Fidelity? Do you mean the Nick Hornby novel? I've never read it. Do you think I ought to?

I don't think you should bother...you seem to be living it